Honesty Honestly

Hey look at that!  A whole summer has gone by and I haven't blogged!  Shocker!

So here I am, finally getting around to blogging.  I've been thinking about this subject for a while and have been contemplating about writing about it.  After some events this week, I finally got the motivation to sit down and put it on "paper".

I realize that I am an honest person in a dishonest world.  This frustrates me.  It torments me.  It makes me absolutely batty!  I choose to live my life honestly.  I choose to be authentic, genuine and caring.  I don't always get the same in return.  In fact, I spent years getting the exact opposite of that in return.  For a long time, I went along thinking my life was based on things that were honest and real.  I thought my life was authentic.  Then I found out I had been lied to...a lot...and repeatedly.  This feeling makes me sick to my stomach.  The lies negate the positive experiences in my life because I feel like it was all a sham.  The smoke and mirrors that tricked me into being fooled.  I feel like when I am lied to, it is a personal insult to me because someone doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me.  

As I said earlier, there were some events this week that brought this subject to the forefront and made me want to talk about it.  I had been talking to someone for a while, probably over a month.  I didn't have much intention on being more than friends with him.  He seemed like a nice guy, but logistically, it wasn't going to happen.  I ended up meeting him anyway figuring I'd make a new friend.  He wanted to be more than friends.  For some reason, I didn't do my detective work before I met him and the next day, discovered everything he told me was a lie.  He was not separated.  His divorce had not been in process for a year.  He did not have 1 kid, he had 2 (the youngest is only 2 months old).  All lies.  I was INFURIATED and sick to my stomach.  It made me sick to think I trusted him.  It made me sick to think there are people out there that try to take advantage of people just for their own selfish gain.  It made me sick to think his wife is an innocent victim in all of this.  It made me sick to think none of my flags went up.

Normally, my gut instincts are pretty good.  My gut tells me something is off, but I don't always know what.  This is the point where I turn into a paranoid freak trying to figure out what is off.  I had this "gift" when I was married too.  I knew SOMETHING was off, but I didn't know what.  I would drive myself crazy until I found out.  And then once I found out, I would try to fix it.  Fix, fix, fix, never give up, fix...until I gave so much of myself that I didn't know who I was anymore.  This time, I sent a message telling him I knew the truth along with a few choice words.  I waited for a response.  After about 5 minutes, I realized I didn't care what his response was.  It would probably be mean.  It would probably be another lie.  I didn't want to know what he had to say for himself because I didn't care.  I blocked his number, blocked him on Facebook (even though we weren't friends), and blocked him anywhere else I could find.  I didn't want any part of this.  

Again, I was discouraged.  Again, I was upset.  Again, I had lost faith in humanity and dating in general.  Dating has been difficult.  Everyone has their own set of experiences to bring to the table and it's sorting out whether or not your baggage can handle someone else's baggage and vice versa.  There have been a very select few that I have met that I think I could actually be in a trusting, loving, productive relationship.  Unfortunately, there have been other factors that have contributed in the inability to making it work (schedules, distance, etc).  It's frustrating when the good parts are there, but factors outside your control affect the ability to make it work.  It's even more frustrating when you know you've found someone who brings out feelings you haven't had in a while, but you just can't figure it out.  

This brings up a whole new set of problems.  Because I have had these experiences, I have become jaded and distrusting, yet trusting at the same time.  I have ruined relationships because of this.  I have pushed people away because I think they are being dishonest and they aren't (or at least won't admit to it).  As I said before, I take it personally when I am lied to.  I feel like someone is disrespecting ME when I am lied to.  I keep feeling like I am the problem when I am lied to because it is happening to me.  I once had someone tell me I MAKE people lie to me.  The thought of this tormented me for a long time.  I later realized it was his pathetic cop out for justifying his own lies.  

Lies are a form of manipulation.  They manipulate someone into thinking the truth is not what it really is.  We all lie in some way, shape or form.  My driver's license doesn't have my real weight on it.  I'd like to call it my "goal weight".  LOL  There are lies that are small and harmless.  There are lies that are unintentional.  Then there are lies that are trying to cover what is really going on.  They are meant to distort reality.  They are hiding something or covering it up.  This is where the damage is done.

I know I need to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is like me.  Not everyone can be honest about how they feel, what they are doing or what has happened in the past.  I know these are not the people for me, but I also need to not feel slighted by these people.  I posted something to Facebook the other day that said "Just because someone fails to see your worth, doesn't mean you are worthless."  It is so true.  I have such a hard time remembering this.  If someone lies to me and doesn't give me the respect I deserve, this is not a reflection on me.  This is a reflection on them and the type of person they are.  I think, especially as a woman, we put our worth into how others treat us and fail to have confidence in ourselves and what we deserve so we either tolerate it or get discouraged and depressed by it.  I'm the second one.  I get discouraged and depressed.

My very wise friend told me a week ago that I worry about what people think of me, but it's the wrong people.  My friends see my worth.  My friends love me and care about me.  My friends get my brand of crazy and accept me for who I am.  My friends actually LIKE ME, but for some reason, I don't put stock into that.  I put stock into the people who don't see all of these things.  I need to focus on the ones that understand I am not perfect, but I deserve to be loved.  I am going to have bad days, but I deserve to be forgiven.  I am going to screw up, but I deserve to not be discarded.  I am a good person and deserve good things in return.  People who don't see that, don't deserve the love I have to give.  If someone can't forgive me for having a bad day or can't have compassion regarding the fact that yes, I get sad about the things I've lost and I get sad about the way I wish my life would have turned out, then they aren't worth it.  I've had to come to terms with the fact that the people who said they would always be there for me and love me unconditionally, may not.  I've learned this the hard way recently and it breaks my heart, but I refuse to try to fix something that is out of my control.  I am human and will not empty myself to find love and acceptance from someone who can't accept me for who I am, flaws and all.

I will continue to live my life honestly, authentically and with care and love.  I hope that someday, I will find that person who can do the same AND is available logistically.  I need to do my best to not put my value and worth into people who do not bring positive things to my life.  I realize this means letting go of relationships I thought would be set in stone, but what is the point if the foundation isn't based on love, honesty and respect?

If you love someone, be honest with them.  Give them the decency to have the truth and let them live their lives based on that truth and not on the lies you've given them.  The truth will always stand on it's own.  Lies are a flimsy foundation that will usually fall apart eventually.  The truth may not always be what you want to hear, but it will always be the truth.  If other people lie or you are lied to, that doesn't justify being dishonest in return.  Be authentic.  Be compassionate.  Be loving.  Be true to yourself and real.  You can guarantee you will always get the same from me in return and I will always try my best to do it in a way that is caring, loving and respectful (even though I may fail sometimes).  

The reason I blog is to get my innards out and also to hopefully have some influence on the world around me.  I hope what you've read brings out positives in you and the world around you.  It wasn't to judge anyone, but if you feel judged by the words I just wrote, you may have some introspection to do to figure out why you are feeling that way.  I hope it is a good thing and I hope you can understand this blog wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but just a reflection on my life recently and how I analyze and value honesty around me.

Dana

New Beginnings

It's no surprised to any followers of this blog that the last few years have been full of a lot changes, tragedies, turmoil and stress.  At the same time, it has also been the start of a lot of new beginnings.  Some started years ago while others have started more recently.  All of the stresses I have been dealing with the past few years have finally come to an end today.  Onto new beginnings.

After my dad died, I joined a Griefshare group (www.griefshare.org) to help me through some of the pain.  One of the things I learned was that although our loved ones had just recently died, many people had started grieving long before the actual death.  They were given a diagnosis months before and had a chance to start their grieving process sooner.  For me, my grief started on that tragic day.  It was sudden and immediate.  

Many of the new beginnings I have been faced with were sudden, immediate and completely out of my control.  Others were planned, calculated and patiently waited out.  Many of these events overlapped and forced me to juggle numerous stresses at one time.  It was exhausting.  I was trapped in my own hell.  I couldn't move forward and couldn't go back.  I had to just wait.  

As I said before, today marks the end of the last personal struggle I've faced over the past few years.  I felt like I couldn't drop the last anchor until today.  Today marks my final new beginning.  There will always be grief and there will always be pain, but the intertwined situations that have caused so much pain, stress and heartache for me the past few years are O-V-E-R!  Of course, I probably just jinxed myself, but oh well.

I am grateful for where the past few years have brought me.  It wasn't easy, but God had a hand in this and a hand protecting me.  I've lost so much in a few short years (death, divorce, financial, physical, emotional, mental), but at the same time, I've come out the other side stronger, smarter, healthier and a little tougher.  I may never fully understand all that has happened, but I do understand what it has taught me.  It's taught me to be patient.  It's taught me to persevere.  It's taught me to accept what I can't control.  

I am more in touch with who I am than I ever was.  I am willing to look at myself and see someone who is flawed, but not willing to compromise who I am to please anyone or selfishly gain.  I try to be fair, understanding, helpful, giving, loving and positive.  (note: I said TRY).  I know God has a plan for me and I don't understand what it is, but I will do my best to follow the path He has put me on.  It would have been easy to hide in drugs, alcohol or other addictions.  It would have been easy to jump into another relationship right after my divorce to mask my own flaws.  It would have been easy to settle for someone less than what I deserve.  It would have been easy to give up and not care.  I chose not to take the easy route.  I chose to do what was RIGHT and heal through this process.  I chose to embrace all that was happening to me and analyze it so I could understand it better.  I chose to grow as a person and be a better version of who I was before.  I chose to alter My New Normal into something I never thought was possible.  

I am still a work in progress, but today, I can look back and say I did it.  I survived  I'm going to be ok.  The last few years of my life have been hard, but I am lucky to be where I am today and I will not look back and dwell on the woulda, coulda, shouldas.  

Thank you to those who have had any part of my journey.  Thank you for your words of encouragement, your support, your hugs, your tears, your pep talks, the dinners you bought me, the events you took me to, the drinks you bought me, the time you spent with me and the love you've given me.  At the same time, I also need to thank those who weren't there for me or that caused some of the pain.  Thank you for helping me realize the type of people I want in my life.  Thank you for not wasting my time in thinking you actually cared.  Thank you or not taking time away from the people that did matter.  Thank you for making it easy to walk away. The real tragedy would have been missing out on those that wanted to be in my life and not realizing what I was giving up.  

I pray no one ever has to experience the things I have over the past few years, but know that if you do, you will be ok.  You can survive.  Face it head on, deal with it, heal from it, learn from it and grow from it.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that your situation or suffering isn't a big deal.  All they are saying is it isn't a big deal TO THEM.  It is a big deal and you have every right to feel that way. 

Onto new beginnings!

Dana

It's time to get my blog on...dating style

So remember my last blog post where I was all like "yay!  I'm dating someone and he's really nice"? Yeah, scratch that. That didn't work out.  He's still nice, but that didn't work out.  So in the meantime, I waddle back into the tepid waters of the dating pool again.  Someone drown me please!

My friend told me today I should start keeping a record of some of the stories I tell her about the guys I've gone out with. Some of them are just laughable. There's the 28 year old who I referred to as "The Puppy" because it was as if he were nipping at my heels constantly. When I told him I didn't think we were right for each other, but I wished him the best of luck, he turned around and blamed me by saying I was too busy to date.  After knowing me TWO WHOLE DAYS he determined THAT was why we wouldn't work out.  Not the incessant texting about NOTHING (i.e. "did you get your potatoes yet? LOL").  Why the F*#@ do you care if I bought the potatoes I said I was going to buy or not?!  BACK OFF DUDE!  Thanks for telling me I'm really pretty though.

Then there was the guy who says he's 42, but looks 52.  Then says how he did coke from the time he was 18 until about 38, when he switched to crack, but he's good now.  Um...BYE!  I don't care how much money you have!  Maybe that's why you look 52 instead of 42!  And then, he asks me ON A FIRST MEETING "how much do they pay at Children's?  I mean, you have to be making a decent living".  Um...'scuse me?! I make enough to drive my Camry back to Stallis THANKYOUVERYMUCH!  Then I get a text after I get home "what do you think?" Um...what?  Does your ego need that much feeding that you have to ask me what I think?  You should be saying "this is what I thought".  Uh Buh-bye now!

There were also a few nice guys who I ended up being friends with.  I like those guys.  So now there's LBFD, LBFG and LBFR (Let's Be Friends...Fill in the blank).  They had the balls to say "hey, you're fricken awesome...in a friend sort of way".  You can never have too many friends, especially those who buy you White Russians or run saltines and 7up to your house when you look like death (and they walk in and say "holy f*&%" because you look so awful, but you don't care cuz you know you're not gonna date them!).

Oh oh oh!  So back to my piss tainted dating pool...So then there's the guy who seemed REALLY nice.  Called, texted, very attentive for about 5 days.  Had a great first meeting on Valentine's Day.  Thought everything was really promising...UNTIL HE FELL OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET!  Last words? "I'll talk to you tomorrow".  2 days later, he unfriended me on Facebook!  Found out there was another little side dish he was interested in.  Oh well, good luck with his passive aggressive cowardly ass.  I don't need it!  I can't do passive aggressive cowards.  I can't and I won't and you can't make me!

So for the guys who may be reading this...Let's chat, shall we?  First, no bathroom selfies on your dating profiles.  NO BATHROOM SELFIES! No selfies lifting up your shirt to show off your abs. Along these same lines...NO GYM SELFIES EITHER! Do not take pictures of yourself in the mirror holding your phone.  Find a friend!  Do not post pictures with carcasses, this includes fish.  Don't post ONLY pictures of your kids. Yeah, they're cute, we get it, but if you look like a hobbit, be up front with it.  Some chicks dig hobbits.  Along the same lines, don't post pics of only your pets or cars.  We're glad you don't drive a Datsun, but please, I don't need to see 7 pics of your Chevy truck in all it's glory. Use proper grammar.  There's a different between "your shit" and "you're shit".  You look like a complete idiot if you can't spell.  AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD USE PUNCTUATION!  THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR! This is not a proper sentence I wish I could say it was but then I would be lying does anyone want chicken for dinner no ok I guess pizza it is.  And finally, take a decent picture.  SMILE!  If you look like a convicted felon, we're gonna think you're a convicted felon!

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel a little better.  Ladies, raise a glass, here's to not settling.  Here's to quality over quantity.  Here's to being happy without a clown instead of miserable with one.  Cheers to all my peeps in the dating world.  I commend you for not giving up, and applaud you for not settling for anything less than what you deserve!

Peace

What's The Worst That Can Happen? Happiness?

Do you ever sometimes wonder why you do the things you do?  I've been contemplating these thoughts for a while now.  I want to know why I'm doing the things I am doing or why I think the way I think.  I figure if I can get to the bottom of it, then I can handle it better.  In this struggle, I have also learned that I usually expect the worst.  I usually see the bad before the good and I usually end up being wrong.  I try to guard myself from any more hurt and pain, but at the same time, I'm guarding myself from happiness too.

Dating has brought out a lot of this in me.  I've gone out with a few different guys over the last 4-5 months.  None of them were the right fit.  I felt myself slipping into old, familiar habits without even realizing it.  Thankfully, it didn't work out.  I say "thankfully" because if it did, I wouldn't have met the man I'm dating now.  

I have struggled with a lot of insecurities since we started dating.  Most of them stem from thinking I won't be good enough or he'll find something out and not like me anymore or that he'll just plain stop calling like some people have in the past.  I started by expecting him to be like all the rest.  I was projecting the treatment I had received in the past onto him.  Again, thankfully, I was dead wrong.

In this process, I have found myself on the verge of panic attacks (sorry to my friends who have had to suffer through my analyzing and processing of all of this).  I've been so afraid of what could go wrong that I wasn't able to enjoy the good things either.  I was so focused on trying to prepare myself for the pain I expected that I couldn't even relish in the happy moments.  I also internalized a lot of things that had NOTHING to do with me.  I was manifesting my own problems because of assumptions I made and in the process, I was making myself miserable.  One of my longtime coworkers recently said "enjoy the happy times while you can.  If it's not going to work out, it's not going to work out.  There's nothing you can do to stop that so why not at least enjoy it while you can?"  He was right.  I can't control this and I can't stop it, but I can stop trying to prepare myself for the worst and start enjoying the best.

I realized last night that I am lucky to have someone who is supportive and understanding.  I told him I was afraid that I was going to push him away with some of the stuff I'm processing through and his response was "well, I'm sitting right here.  You're fine".  What?!  You mean my neuroses didn't make me look like a complete monster complete with a hair growing mole?  The funny thing is, I thought my neurotic overthinking was going to somehow blemish what he thought.  To him, it was no big deal.  He understood I just needed to say some stuff out loud.  I also told him about some of the stuff I am still going through that is completely out of my control and his only response was "you've been through a lot and you will get through this too".  Part of me thought he may make a mad dash out the door because (gasp!) I'm not perfect.  I often fear the imperfections will outweigh the good parts, but what if someone can see through all that?  My girlfriends can do it.  They are my biggest supporters and closer to me than family.  They know my neurotic moments and how I overthink EVERYTHING, but still love me anyway.  Why should I expect anything less from someone I'm dating?

I've always been the type to wait for the other shoe to drop because it always has, but what if it DOESN'T?  I'm always waiting for the bad things to happen and trying to prepare for it that I am missing out on the good stuff too.  After our conversation last night, I realized there are a lot of good things here I need to appreciate.  WHAT IF...an issue comes up and we talk about it and it's done? ...it never comes back up in a later conversation? ...he doesn't obsessively overanalyze it to the point of driving himself crazy? (oh wait, that's me).  I have been so conditioned to think an issue is never truly closed.  It can rear it's ugly head at any moment so I need to be prepared to combat it.  Living like this has caused me to constantly have my defenses up to the point I can't enjoy the good parts.  But this...this is DIFFERENT.  After driving myself crazy one day, I thought it was over and prepared myself to walk away.  We had an adult discussion about it and I explained my side and he explained his.  We both understood where the other one was coming from and it was done...or so he thought.  When I came over that night and said I was surprised he was even talking to me, he basically said "we resolved it.  moving on?" What?!  you don't want to rehash this until we've dissected every little detail and made 7 new problems?

Little by little, bit by bit, My New Normal is my wall is coming down and I'm starting to see there is a world out there with happiness, normalcy and healthiness.  I'm starting to see I CAN be in a functional relationship, I just need to learn how.  I am slowly learning how to accept the good things and the happy times.  I'm learning to laugh at the things that make me happy and I'm learning to just breathe because if it goes down the crapper, it goes down the crapper, but for now, it's not so why not enjoy the ride while I can.  I kinda feel like I've been on a cross country trip with a blindfold on.  There is so much beauty around me but I'm afraid to see it because there might be some bumps along the road too.

Sometimes, my overthinking and overanalyzing can be used for good.  I can finally understand why I do what I do and correct it.  It is the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

change the things I can 

and the wisdom to know the difference

I'm lucky that I am changing.  I am starting to see myself the way my friends see me and maybe, just maybe, that's pretty dang good.

A New Christmas

I know I say this every time I blog, but I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've blogged!

As I sit here on this Christmas Eve, I can't believe how much has changed in just a few short years.  I look back on all that life has thrown at me and for some things, I'm grateful.  For others, I'm sad, but I hope I will learn something from the experience.

I reflect back to last year and the loss of my marriage and the changes I faced during this time of year last year.  I felt like I lost a family I was part of for 9 years.  I was on my own again, but it was also a year since my dad had passed and I didn't know how Christmas would be without him.  Mary was awesome.  She worked hard to make sure he was part of it, but also wanted us all together.  It was such a comfort to know some things just wouldn't change.  Unfortunately, this year is no exception.  Now that she's gone, Christmas just isn't the same.  It will still be Christmas, but not the way it was.  I wish I would have appreciated those days when they were here because now that they're gone, I miss them more than I ever thought I would.  There is no yule log playing on the TV.  There are no gifts under the tree with all of our names on them.  There's no white elephant exchange (which may be a good thing because I don't know that I need another monkey hula ornament creeping me out JESSICA!).  There is no meal where we eat way too much and too many sweets and walk out fat and happy.  The joy she brought to this time of year is missing.  There's a huge hole in my heart I never realized would be there until I lost my dad and her.  I didn't realize the gift I was given for so many years was my dad and her in my life.

On a happier note, there are a lot of things to be grateful for.  I'm grateful my life has changed for the better.  I spent the past year healing mentally, emotionally and physically.  I didn't know where my life would be a year ago.  I'm not where I thought I would be, but I am right where I should be.  This year has not been without struggle or pain, but it has been filled with joy too.  I feel happy again.  I am able to enjoy my life and do the things I never thought I'd do.

I went out for my (non) birthday this year.  I say "non" because I didn't want any over the top overt birthday obnoxiousness.  Thankfully, I have amazing friends who understand the difficulty of losing my dad and grandpa on my birthday and know it's a lot for me to handle.  But I had FUN!  I felt like a kid again at Dave & Buster's playing video games and enjoying myself.  My favorite part of the night (besides having my amazing friends by my side), was 4 way air hockey.  That was A BLAST.  I highly suggest it if you ever go to D&B.  Unfortunately, not everyone was able to make it out for my birthday.  My closest friends, who are like sisters to me, made time to go out another night and made it special.  I love this close knit group of friends.  I can always be myself around them and we can always talk about anything (ahem...inappropriate pictures, ladies...).

I have also started dating again.  This has been a learning experience that has brought some challenges.  I didn't realize some of the insecurities and anxieties I would be feeling.  I've had some pretty crappy dates, some ok dates, some amazing dates and even gained a few great friends out of the experience.  For right now, I've been lucky enough to enjoy the company of someone who I enjoy spending time with who has been amazingly patient and understanding about the things I'm going through.  He didn't know about my birthday, but when I told him, he said he wanted to take me out for a special night and to make good memories.  How could I pass that up?  I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I am going to enjoy what I have and be thankful for all the people God has put in my life this year.

My New Normal this year isn't what I thought it would be, but God has shown me I have some amazing friends who I consider family.  I also have some amazing family.  I was able to see a lot of my family I don't see very often.  My aunt and my cousin stayed with me in August for a few days and it was awesome.  I missed them so much and I cherished the time they were here.  I didn't know where I would be this year physically, emotionally or mentally, but I am in a good place.  I have people in my life who want me in theirs.  I am so blessed.

And of course, I'm lucky enough to have some hilarious furry creatures.  They have been my constants.  I realized in September of this year that I had Scooter 9 years.  A quarter of my life has been with this dog.  He's "just a dog" right?  Not my Scoots.  He's been such a comfort through all of this.  The tail is always wagging and he will never turn down a snuggle.

I have been a lucky girl this year.  The gifts I have been given can't be wrapped in pretty paper with a bow on top.  They are gifts I unwrapped in my heart that will always have a place in there.  It's been the love and support of the people around me, the companionship of my fur babies and the blessings God has bestowed on me.  Why would I want anything else?

Merry Christmas everyone.  May God bless you in amazing ways this year with love, acceptance, support and amazing people who make you and your life better.

Living, Loving and Learning

As many of you probably saw on Facebook, yesterday marked a year since I filed for divorce.  Without a blink, I know I am in a better place than where I was a year ago.  I was able to reflect on where I was a year ago and where I am now.  It also got me thinking where I want to be.

A year ago, I was physically sick over the events in my life.  Kidney stones were out of control, blood pressure was high, stress was high and I was exhausted.  EXHAUSTED.  I went to see my doctor a few weeks ago.  I had the usual blood tests, urine tests, physical, etc.  I compared this year's results with last year's results.  The difference was obvious.  My doctor pointed out that my kidneys and liver were functioning at normal levels again.  They were not last year.  Part of that may have been because of the stones, but I have stones now and they are still functioning normal.  It was a great feeling to see, in writing, that my physical health is no longer taking a toll due to the stress of my situation.  I can also see it in pictures.  I can see a difference in my eyes.  My eyes are brighter now.  My smile is more genuine and not forced now.  A family friend told me within weeks of moving out that my body language changed after I left.  I was more relaxed, especially in my face.  I didn't keep the stress on my face and tenseness in my body.

I have also started dating again.  This whole process has been hard.  It has brought up a whole new set of challenges for me that I haven't had for 10 years.  Some of them are new due to the divorce and the situation I was faced with that led to the divorce.  I'm realizing that I will never be in the same place I was before.  I am in a different place.  It is My New Normal.  The experiences I have had in the past 10 years have changed me; some good, some bad.  I have found myself being insecure and self conscious.  I have discovered some of these situations are a first for me.  I don't know how to navigate them, but I am willing to figure them out.

My biggest problem is I tend to take things personally.  I know this is something I need to work on.  I've always had this problem, but I think the events of the past year have exacerbated this insecurity.  I am so used to trying to anticipate every possible scenario to minimize the surprises and to prepare myself to deal with situations.  Between a divorce, financial instability, death of a loved one and my own health issues, I want to minimize the surprises as much as I can.  Unfortunately, this causes me to overthink EVERYTHING and come up with possible outcomes and reasons for each scenario.  It's kinda like one of those build your own stories books we used to read as kids.  I map out every possible story in my head to try to prepare myself for every possible outcome.  In the process, I work myself into a frenzy feeling insecure and responsible for the outcomes when honestly, may not have anything to do with me.

The biggest frustration in all of this is that I am usually fighting myself in these situations.  I'm exhausting every option in my head and the actual outcome usually isn't one I have thought about and usually is much simpler than the frenzy I've worked up in my own head.  I need to learn how to slow my brain down, simplify and be confident in my situation.  Unfortunately, this is easier said than done.  With dating now, I've found that I need someone who can accept me for who I am now while understanding this is not who I want to be in the future.  I want to be better and work on this, but I also feel like I can't work on it unless I am in the situation to have these feelings.  (For the record, this is not why I want to be with someone.  It's because I genuinely miss the companionship and want someone in my life).

I've realized this makes me wish I could date my girlfriends if they were in a man's body.  LOL  My female friends understand it.  They get it.  They know exactly where I am coming from because a lot of them are wired the same.  I think the biggest reason is they see the redeeming qualities in me and they trump the less appealing qualities.  They know my insecurities are a character flaw and something I want to work on.  They are also my biggest cheerleaders.  They are able to understand me; not on a superficial level, but deep down in my soul.  They see my heart.  They know I am a deeply complicated person who tries to be in touch with my feelings and the reasons I am feeling that way.  They know they can ask me for anything and I will do my best to help.  They know I will be there to support them how they have supported me.  They know the things I have been through have brought me life experience no one else can understand.  They know these things have damaged me, but it doesn't change the goodness in my heart. One of my friends in my bible study told me she felt like God was putting me through all of this to use me for good things.  When I have friends who are losing parents, contemplating or going through divorce and feeling defeated, they know I understand what they are going through on a deeper level. I have been able to offer support to friends in many of these situations because I've survived them.

It reminds me of "Just Give Me a Reason" by P!nk and Nate Ruess.  I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday and was reminded "We're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again".  I am not broken, but I was close.  I am bent, but I am learning to love again.  I'm learning to love life again.  I'm learning to love getting out and meeting new people again.  I am learning to love adventure and activity again.  I am learning to love the person who I have become in the past year since I filed for divorce.  I am also learning to embrace the dating process and understand it is a process and it's not my comfort zone.  It's not what I am used to.  It's not what I've been conditioned to for the past 10 years.  It has not broken me, just bent me, and I am learning to love again.  For that, I can thank God everyday he has given me another day to make a difference in the lives of those I encounter.  I can be thankful My New Normal is not what I imagined it would be a year ago.  I will keep getting better.  I will keep growing and examining the changes in my life.  I will keep living my life forward, but understanding it in reverse.  I will keep Living, Loving and Learning.

Where has the summer gone?

i probably shouldn't be posting right now.  Why?  Because I'm tired so who know what's gonna come outta my blog.

But anywho...

I can't believe how fast this summer has gone.  I also can't believe how much fun I've had.  I said I wanted to have the summer of fun and I have been.  There have still been some internal struggles, but I'm working through them and trying to get myself in a better place.

The biggest change is that I've been getting OUT and doing stuff.  I used to be such a homebody before.  I thought I just loved my house (which I did), but I also realized it was because I was afraid to leave.  Whenever I left, it was a "cat's away so the mouse is at play" situation and it usually ended with me having to pick up some kind of pieces.  I had this massive sense of relief when I could go out and enjoy myself without the worry of what I was going to come home to (with the exception of kitten shenanigans).

The stress I felt last summer was making me sick, literally.  My kidney stones were awful, I was getting bladder infections all the time because of it and my blood pressure was through the roof.  I had no motivation. None.  Nope.  Nada.  I think I rode my bike once last year.  ONCE!  I've already rode 350 miles so far in June, July and August.  350 MILES?!  SAY WHAT?!  As much as I enjoyed my garden and my pool, I barely dealt with either one of them last year.  This year, I longed for a garden, but the timing and cash-flow weren't cooperating so next year...I have a sense of peace this year that I didn't have last year.  Granted, I still have stress, but it's not the same stress.  It's residual crap I need to handle from the fallout of the divorce, but I know in time, that too will pass.

I've discovered so much about myself this past year.  I am ok living by myself again.  At first, I was scared that I would end up hitting my head, passing out and having Snickers eat my face off, but now I'm actually enjoying it.  I still go through phases where I feel lonely, but I will gladly take the loneliness compared to what I was living before.  Even though money is much tighter and I need to be more disciplined than in the past, it's ok.  I'm finding some amazing things to do for free or cheap. It's stuff I've always wanted to do, but didn't want to do alone.  I've reconnected with so many amazing people and have added some new ones to the mix too.  I realize just how blessed I am to have the support of all these people around me.

With the changes in my marital status, I've also had to come to terms with dating again.  It's terrifying.  The though of having to get to know someone again, wonder if they're interested, be scared if they think I'm too fat, too goofy, too big haired, too nerdy, too obnoxious, etc.  It's terrifying. I have slowly been putting myself out there, but I'm realizing I'm not the same person I was before.  I'm not willing to settle or lower my standards just so I can be with someone.  I'm ok with that.  I've also noticed there are a lot of guys out there that try to convince me otherwise.  I'm not going to compromise who I am to be with someone.  Not anymore.  It's not to say I'm not willing to compromise, I'm just not willing to compromise who I am to make someone else happy.  Can I be better? Absolutely, and I'm working on that, but I am far from perfect.  I'm still insecure.  I still take things personally.  I still guard my heart because of all the hurt I've had to face.  On the flip side though, I know I have a lot to offer.  I'll get there eventually.  It just might take some time.  I'm not willing to rush just so I can squeeze myself into a mold I think will make me normal only to find out it's the furthest thing from normal.  I would rather have a slightly off kilter happy relationship than a dysfunctional miserable one.

Another things I've discovered this past year is my laugh.  I think I've belly laughed harder this year than ever before.  That OMG-my-gut-hurts-my-cheeks-are-about-to-explode-and-I-have-tears-running-down-my-face belly laugh.  It's a feeling I lost a few years back.  I love to laugh.  I love to make people laugh.  I held that back for so long because of everything I was going through.  It's coming back and it feels awesome.  I've had some awesome things to laugh about.  To name a few, sitting in my living room with some old, old friends reminiscing and laughing uncontrollably (this has happened numerous times), watching Snickers face plant into the kitty condo and then her ass catches up to her 2 seconds later, State Fair ('nuff said), Brewer games (thanks Colleen) and the endless uses for an Aramiz Ramirez head-on-a-stick, watching Ann sleep during fireworks, jumping on the trampoline with Camden and Coleson, dressing up as Thor with a baby dressed up as Thor, endlessly tickling Arianna and Elias, attempting to get Grandma lit on fuzzy navels (I love that woman), telling the ridiculous stories of my dating life, conquering the hammock (thank you for lowering it Dale), swinging on a children's tire swing whilst drinking martinis (pinkies out girls!), cards against humanity, Breakaway and many many more.  I thought I lost my laugh.  It's back, and still loud, and probably a little too obnoxious, but I'm ok with that because it is genuine, from the heart and 100% Dana.

This year has flown by.  That's how the last few years have been.  With the stress comes the ability to lose time.  I guess sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes it's not.  I wish summer would slow down a little.  I'm enjoying getting out and having fun.  I have a lot more things I want to do!

I hope everyone is having a fantastical summer so far.  I know some of you have been dealing with pain, heartache, breakups, death, illness, unemployment and other struggles.  I hope you realize, there is a time for this in your life.  Without the pain and struggle, we can't appreciate the good times.  If anyone can be a testament to that, it's me.  I have had so much happen in just a few short years.  I've lost some of the most important people in my life, gone through a divorce, dealt with the financial fallout, dealt with the pain of kidney stones and eventual surgery and so many more things I'd love to write, but I'm not willing to air my ex's dirty laundry.  I will be ok and so will you.  Ask for help, surround your self with good people, don't slip into old habits, don't hurt the ones you love, enjoy life.

My new normal still isn't what I wanted it to be, but lately, it's been turning out to be ok.

Peace out homies,
Dana