So remember my last blog post where I was all like "yay! I'm dating someone and he's really nice"? Yeah, scratch that. That didn't work out. He's still nice, but that didn't work out. So in the meantime, I waddle back into the tepid waters of the dating pool again. Someone drown me please!
My friend told me today I should start keeping a record of some of the stories I tell her about the guys I've gone out with. Some of them are just laughable. There's the 28 year old who I referred to as "The Puppy" because it was as if he were nipping at my heels constantly. When I told him I didn't think we were right for each other, but I wished him the best of luck, he turned around and blamed me by saying I was too busy to date. After knowing me TWO WHOLE DAYS he determined THAT was why we wouldn't work out. Not the incessant texting about NOTHING (i.e. "did you get your potatoes yet? LOL"). Why the F*#@ do you care if I bought the potatoes I said I was going to buy or not?! BACK OFF DUDE! Thanks for telling me I'm really pretty though.
Then there was the guy who says he's 42, but looks 52. Then says how he did coke from the time he was 18 until about 38, when he switched to crack, but he's good now. Um...BYE! I don't care how much money you have! Maybe that's why you look 52 instead of 42! And then, he asks me ON A FIRST MEETING "how much do they pay at Children's? I mean, you have to be making a decent living". Um...'scuse me?! I make enough to drive my Camry back to Stallis THANKYOUVERYMUCH! Then I get a text after I get home "what do you think?" Um...what? Does your ego need that much feeding that you have to ask me what I think? You should be saying "this is what I thought". Uh Buh-bye now!
There were also a few nice guys who I ended up being friends with. I like those guys. So now there's LBFD, LBFG and LBFR (Let's Be Friends...Fill in the blank). They had the balls to say "hey, you're fricken awesome...in a friend sort of way". You can never have too many friends, especially those who buy you White Russians or run saltines and 7up to your house when you look like death (and they walk in and say "holy f*&%" because you look so awful, but you don't care cuz you know you're not gonna date them!).
Oh oh oh! So back to my piss tainted dating pool...So then there's the guy who seemed REALLY nice. Called, texted, very attentive for about 5 days. Had a great first meeting on Valentine's Day. Thought everything was really promising...UNTIL HE FELL OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET! Last words? "I'll talk to you tomorrow". 2 days later, he unfriended me on Facebook! Found out there was another little side dish he was interested in. Oh well, good luck with his passive aggressive cowardly ass. I don't need it! I can't do passive aggressive cowards. I can't and I won't and you can't make me!
So for the guys who may be reading this...Let's chat, shall we? First, no bathroom selfies on your dating profiles. NO BATHROOM SELFIES! No selfies lifting up your shirt to show off your abs. Along these same lines...NO GYM SELFIES EITHER! Do not take pictures of yourself in the mirror holding your phone. Find a friend! Do not post pictures with carcasses, this includes fish. Don't post ONLY pictures of your kids. Yeah, they're cute, we get it, but if you look like a hobbit, be up front with it. Some chicks dig hobbits. Along the same lines, don't post pics of only your pets or cars. We're glad you don't drive a Datsun, but please, I don't need to see 7 pics of your Chevy truck in all it's glory. Use proper grammar. There's a different between "your shit" and "you're shit". You look like a complete idiot if you can't spell. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD USE PUNCTUATION! THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR! This is not a proper sentence I wish I could say it was but then I would be lying does anyone want chicken for dinner no ok I guess pizza it is. And finally, take a decent picture. SMILE! If you look like a convicted felon, we're gonna think you're a convicted felon!
Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel a little better. Ladies, raise a glass, here's to not settling. Here's to quality over quantity. Here's to being happy without a clown instead of miserable with one. Cheers to all my peeps in the dating world. I commend you for not giving up, and applaud you for not settling for anything less than what you deserve!
Peace
Monday, March 23, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
What's The Worst That Can Happen? Happiness?
Do you ever sometimes wonder why you do the things you do? I've been contemplating these thoughts for a while now. I want to know why I'm doing the things I am doing or why I think the way I think. I figure if I can get to the bottom of it, then I can handle it better. In this struggle, I have also learned that I usually expect the worst. I usually see the bad before the good and I usually end up being wrong. I try to guard myself from any more hurt and pain, but at the same time, I'm guarding myself from happiness too.
Dating has brought out a lot of this in me. I've gone out with a few different guys over the last 4-5 months. None of them were the right fit. I felt myself slipping into old, familiar habits without even realizing it. Thankfully, it didn't work out. I say "thankfully" because if it did, I wouldn't have met the man I'm dating now.
I have struggled with a lot of insecurities since we started dating. Most of them stem from thinking I won't be good enough or he'll find something out and not like me anymore or that he'll just plain stop calling like some people have in the past. I started by expecting him to be like all the rest. I was projecting the treatment I had received in the past onto him. Again, thankfully, I was dead wrong.
In this process, I have found myself on the verge of panic attacks (sorry to my friends who have had to suffer through my analyzing and processing of all of this). I've been so afraid of what could go wrong that I wasn't able to enjoy the good things either. I was so focused on trying to prepare myself for the pain I expected that I couldn't even relish in the happy moments. I also internalized a lot of things that had NOTHING to do with me. I was manifesting my own problems because of assumptions I made and in the process, I was making myself miserable. One of my longtime coworkers recently said "enjoy the happy times while you can. If it's not going to work out, it's not going to work out. There's nothing you can do to stop that so why not at least enjoy it while you can?" He was right. I can't control this and I can't stop it, but I can stop trying to prepare myself for the worst and start enjoying the best.
I realized last night that I am lucky to have someone who is supportive and understanding. I told him I was afraid that I was going to push him away with some of the stuff I'm processing through and his response was "well, I'm sitting right here. You're fine". What?! You mean my neuroses didn't make me look like a complete monster complete with a hair growing mole? The funny thing is, I thought my neurotic overthinking was going to somehow blemish what he thought. To him, it was no big deal. He understood I just needed to say some stuff out loud. I also told him about some of the stuff I am still going through that is completely out of my control and his only response was "you've been through a lot and you will get through this too". Part of me thought he may make a mad dash out the door because (gasp!) I'm not perfect. I often fear the imperfections will outweigh the good parts, but what if someone can see through all that? My girlfriends can do it. They are my biggest supporters and closer to me than family. They know my neurotic moments and how I overthink EVERYTHING, but still love me anyway. Why should I expect anything less from someone I'm dating?
I've always been the type to wait for the other shoe to drop because it always has, but what if it DOESN'T? I'm always waiting for the bad things to happen and trying to prepare for it that I am missing out on the good stuff too. After our conversation last night, I realized there are a lot of good things here I need to appreciate. WHAT IF...an issue comes up and we talk about it and it's done? ...it never comes back up in a later conversation? ...he doesn't obsessively overanalyze it to the point of driving himself crazy? (oh wait, that's me). I have been so conditioned to think an issue is never truly closed. It can rear it's ugly head at any moment so I need to be prepared to combat it. Living like this has caused me to constantly have my defenses up to the point I can't enjoy the good parts. But this...this is DIFFERENT. After driving myself crazy one day, I thought it was over and prepared myself to walk away. We had an adult discussion about it and I explained my side and he explained his. We both understood where the other one was coming from and it was done...or so he thought. When I came over that night and said I was surprised he was even talking to me, he basically said "we resolved it. moving on?" What?! you don't want to rehash this until we've dissected every little detail and made 7 new problems?
Little by little, bit by bit, My New Normal is my wall is coming down and I'm starting to see there is a world out there with happiness, normalcy and healthiness. I'm starting to see I CAN be in a functional relationship, I just need to learn how. I am slowly learning how to accept the good things and the happy times. I'm learning to laugh at the things that make me happy and I'm learning to just breathe because if it goes down the crapper, it goes down the crapper, but for now, it's not so why not enjoy the ride while I can. I kinda feel like I've been on a cross country trip with a blindfold on. There is so much beauty around me but I'm afraid to see it because there might be some bumps along the road too.
Sometimes, my overthinking and overanalyzing can be used for good. I can finally understand why I do what I do and correct it. It is the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference
I'm lucky that I am changing. I am starting to see myself the way my friends see me and maybe, just maybe, that's pretty dang good.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
A New Christmas
I know I say this every time I blog, but I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've blogged!
As I sit here on this Christmas Eve, I can't believe how much has changed in just a few short years. I look back on all that life has thrown at me and for some things, I'm grateful. For others, I'm sad, but I hope I will learn something from the experience.
I reflect back to last year and the loss of my marriage and the changes I faced during this time of year last year. I felt like I lost a family I was part of for 9 years. I was on my own again, but it was also a year since my dad had passed and I didn't know how Christmas would be without him. Mary was awesome. She worked hard to make sure he was part of it, but also wanted us all together. It was such a comfort to know some things just wouldn't change. Unfortunately, this year is no exception. Now that she's gone, Christmas just isn't the same. It will still be Christmas, but not the way it was. I wish I would have appreciated those days when they were here because now that they're gone, I miss them more than I ever thought I would. There is no yule log playing on the TV. There are no gifts under the tree with all of our names on them. There's no white elephant exchange (which may be a good thing because I don't know that I need another monkey hula ornament creeping me out JESSICA!). There is no meal where we eat way too much and too many sweets and walk out fat and happy. The joy she brought to this time of year is missing. There's a huge hole in my heart I never realized would be there until I lost my dad and her. I didn't realize the gift I was given for so many years was my dad and her in my life.
On a happier note, there are a lot of things to be grateful for. I'm grateful my life has changed for the better. I spent the past year healing mentally, emotionally and physically. I didn't know where my life would be a year ago. I'm not where I thought I would be, but I am right where I should be. This year has not been without struggle or pain, but it has been filled with joy too. I feel happy again. I am able to enjoy my life and do the things I never thought I'd do.
I went out for my (non) birthday this year. I say "non" because I didn't want any over the top overt birthday obnoxiousness. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who understand the difficulty of losing my dad and grandpa on my birthday and know it's a lot for me to handle. But I had FUN! I felt like a kid again at Dave & Buster's playing video games and enjoying myself. My favorite part of the night (besides having my amazing friends by my side), was 4 way air hockey. That was A BLAST. I highly suggest it if you ever go to D&B. Unfortunately, not everyone was able to make it out for my birthday. My closest friends, who are like sisters to me, made time to go out another night and made it special. I love this close knit group of friends. I can always be myself around them and we can always talk about anything (ahem...inappropriate pictures, ladies...).
I have also started dating again. This has been a learning experience that has brought some challenges. I didn't realize some of the insecurities and anxieties I would be feeling. I've had some pretty crappy dates, some ok dates, some amazing dates and even gained a few great friends out of the experience. For right now, I've been lucky enough to enjoy the company of someone who I enjoy spending time with who has been amazingly patient and understanding about the things I'm going through. He didn't know about my birthday, but when I told him, he said he wanted to take me out for a special night and to make good memories. How could I pass that up? I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I am going to enjoy what I have and be thankful for all the people God has put in my life this year.
My New Normal this year isn't what I thought it would be, but God has shown me I have some amazing friends who I consider family. I also have some amazing family. I was able to see a lot of my family I don't see very often. My aunt and my cousin stayed with me in August for a few days and it was awesome. I missed them so much and I cherished the time they were here. I didn't know where I would be this year physically, emotionally or mentally, but I am in a good place. I have people in my life who want me in theirs. I am so blessed.
And of course, I'm lucky enough to have some hilarious furry creatures. They have been my constants. I realized in September of this year that I had Scooter 9 years. A quarter of my life has been with this dog. He's "just a dog" right? Not my Scoots. He's been such a comfort through all of this. The tail is always wagging and he will never turn down a snuggle.
I have been a lucky girl this year. The gifts I have been given can't be wrapped in pretty paper with a bow on top. They are gifts I unwrapped in my heart that will always have a place in there. It's been the love and support of the people around me, the companionship of my fur babies and the blessings God has bestowed on me. Why would I want anything else?
Merry Christmas everyone. May God bless you in amazing ways this year with love, acceptance, support and amazing people who make you and your life better.
As I sit here on this Christmas Eve, I can't believe how much has changed in just a few short years. I look back on all that life has thrown at me and for some things, I'm grateful. For others, I'm sad, but I hope I will learn something from the experience.
I reflect back to last year and the loss of my marriage and the changes I faced during this time of year last year. I felt like I lost a family I was part of for 9 years. I was on my own again, but it was also a year since my dad had passed and I didn't know how Christmas would be without him. Mary was awesome. She worked hard to make sure he was part of it, but also wanted us all together. It was such a comfort to know some things just wouldn't change. Unfortunately, this year is no exception. Now that she's gone, Christmas just isn't the same. It will still be Christmas, but not the way it was. I wish I would have appreciated those days when they were here because now that they're gone, I miss them more than I ever thought I would. There is no yule log playing on the TV. There are no gifts under the tree with all of our names on them. There's no white elephant exchange (which may be a good thing because I don't know that I need another monkey hula ornament creeping me out JESSICA!). There is no meal where we eat way too much and too many sweets and walk out fat and happy. The joy she brought to this time of year is missing. There's a huge hole in my heart I never realized would be there until I lost my dad and her. I didn't realize the gift I was given for so many years was my dad and her in my life.
On a happier note, there are a lot of things to be grateful for. I'm grateful my life has changed for the better. I spent the past year healing mentally, emotionally and physically. I didn't know where my life would be a year ago. I'm not where I thought I would be, but I am right where I should be. This year has not been without struggle or pain, but it has been filled with joy too. I feel happy again. I am able to enjoy my life and do the things I never thought I'd do.
I went out for my (non) birthday this year. I say "non" because I didn't want any over the top overt birthday obnoxiousness. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who understand the difficulty of losing my dad and grandpa on my birthday and know it's a lot for me to handle. But I had FUN! I felt like a kid again at Dave & Buster's playing video games and enjoying myself. My favorite part of the night (besides having my amazing friends by my side), was 4 way air hockey. That was A BLAST. I highly suggest it if you ever go to D&B. Unfortunately, not everyone was able to make it out for my birthday. My closest friends, who are like sisters to me, made time to go out another night and made it special. I love this close knit group of friends. I can always be myself around them and we can always talk about anything (ahem...inappropriate pictures, ladies...).
I have also started dating again. This has been a learning experience that has brought some challenges. I didn't realize some of the insecurities and anxieties I would be feeling. I've had some pretty crappy dates, some ok dates, some amazing dates and even gained a few great friends out of the experience. For right now, I've been lucky enough to enjoy the company of someone who I enjoy spending time with who has been amazingly patient and understanding about the things I'm going through. He didn't know about my birthday, but when I told him, he said he wanted to take me out for a special night and to make good memories. How could I pass that up? I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I am going to enjoy what I have and be thankful for all the people God has put in my life this year.
My New Normal this year isn't what I thought it would be, but God has shown me I have some amazing friends who I consider family. I also have some amazing family. I was able to see a lot of my family I don't see very often. My aunt and my cousin stayed with me in August for a few days and it was awesome. I missed them so much and I cherished the time they were here. I didn't know where I would be this year physically, emotionally or mentally, but I am in a good place. I have people in my life who want me in theirs. I am so blessed.
And of course, I'm lucky enough to have some hilarious furry creatures. They have been my constants. I realized in September of this year that I had Scooter 9 years. A quarter of my life has been with this dog. He's "just a dog" right? Not my Scoots. He's been such a comfort through all of this. The tail is always wagging and he will never turn down a snuggle.
I have been a lucky girl this year. The gifts I have been given can't be wrapped in pretty paper with a bow on top. They are gifts I unwrapped in my heart that will always have a place in there. It's been the love and support of the people around me, the companionship of my fur babies and the blessings God has bestowed on me. Why would I want anything else?
Merry Christmas everyone. May God bless you in amazing ways this year with love, acceptance, support and amazing people who make you and your life better.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Living, Loving and Learning
As many of you probably saw on Facebook, yesterday marked a year since I filed for divorce. Without a blink, I know I am in a better place than where I was a year ago. I was able to reflect on where I was a year ago and where I am now. It also got me thinking where I want to be.
A year ago, I was physically sick over the events in my life. Kidney stones were out of control, blood pressure was high, stress was high and I was exhausted. EXHAUSTED. I went to see my doctor a few weeks ago. I had the usual blood tests, urine tests, physical, etc. I compared this year's results with last year's results. The difference was obvious. My doctor pointed out that my kidneys and liver were functioning at normal levels again. They were not last year. Part of that may have been because of the stones, but I have stones now and they are still functioning normal. It was a great feeling to see, in writing, that my physical health is no longer taking a toll due to the stress of my situation. I can also see it in pictures. I can see a difference in my eyes. My eyes are brighter now. My smile is more genuine and not forced now. A family friend told me within weeks of moving out that my body language changed after I left. I was more relaxed, especially in my face. I didn't keep the stress on my face and tenseness in my body.
I have also started dating again. This whole process has been hard. It has brought up a whole new set of challenges for me that I haven't had for 10 years. Some of them are new due to the divorce and the situation I was faced with that led to the divorce. I'm realizing that I will never be in the same place I was before. I am in a different place. It is My New Normal. The experiences I have had in the past 10 years have changed me; some good, some bad. I have found myself being insecure and self conscious. I have discovered some of these situations are a first for me. I don't know how to navigate them, but I am willing to figure them out.
My biggest problem is I tend to take things personally. I know this is something I need to work on. I've always had this problem, but I think the events of the past year have exacerbated this insecurity. I am so used to trying to anticipate every possible scenario to minimize the surprises and to prepare myself to deal with situations. Between a divorce, financial instability, death of a loved one and my own health issues, I want to minimize the surprises as much as I can. Unfortunately, this causes me to overthink EVERYTHING and come up with possible outcomes and reasons for each scenario. It's kinda like one of those build your own stories books we used to read as kids. I map out every possible story in my head to try to prepare myself for every possible outcome. In the process, I work myself into a frenzy feeling insecure and responsible for the outcomes when honestly, may not have anything to do with me.
The biggest frustration in all of this is that I am usually fighting myself in these situations. I'm exhausting every option in my head and the actual outcome usually isn't one I have thought about and usually is much simpler than the frenzy I've worked up in my own head. I need to learn how to slow my brain down, simplify and be confident in my situation. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. With dating now, I've found that I need someone who can accept me for who I am now while understanding this is not who I want to be in the future. I want to be better and work on this, but I also feel like I can't work on it unless I am in the situation to have these feelings. (For the record, this is not why I want to be with someone. It's because I genuinely miss the companionship and want someone in my life).
I've realized this makes me wish I could date my girlfriends if they were in a man's body. LOL My female friends understand it. They get it. They know exactly where I am coming from because a lot of them are wired the same. I think the biggest reason is they see the redeeming qualities in me and they trump the less appealing qualities. They know my insecurities are a character flaw and something I want to work on. They are also my biggest cheerleaders. They are able to understand me; not on a superficial level, but deep down in my soul. They see my heart. They know I am a deeply complicated person who tries to be in touch with my feelings and the reasons I am feeling that way. They know they can ask me for anything and I will do my best to help. They know I will be there to support them how they have supported me. They know the things I have been through have brought me life experience no one else can understand. They know these things have damaged me, but it doesn't change the goodness in my heart. One of my friends in my bible study told me she felt like God was putting me through all of this to use me for good things. When I have friends who are losing parents, contemplating or going through divorce and feeling defeated, they know I understand what they are going through on a deeper level. I have been able to offer support to friends in many of these situations because I've survived them.
It reminds me of "Just Give Me a Reason" by P!nk and Nate Ruess. I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday and was reminded "We're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again". I am not broken, but I was close. I am bent, but I am learning to love again. I'm learning to love life again. I'm learning to love getting out and meeting new people again. I am learning to love adventure and activity again. I am learning to love the person who I have become in the past year since I filed for divorce. I am also learning to embrace the dating process and understand it is a process and it's not my comfort zone. It's not what I am used to. It's not what I've been conditioned to for the past 10 years. It has not broken me, just bent me, and I am learning to love again. For that, I can thank God everyday he has given me another day to make a difference in the lives of those I encounter. I can be thankful My New Normal is not what I imagined it would be a year ago. I will keep getting better. I will keep growing and examining the changes in my life. I will keep living my life forward, but understanding it in reverse. I will keep Living, Loving and Learning.
A year ago, I was physically sick over the events in my life. Kidney stones were out of control, blood pressure was high, stress was high and I was exhausted. EXHAUSTED. I went to see my doctor a few weeks ago. I had the usual blood tests, urine tests, physical, etc. I compared this year's results with last year's results. The difference was obvious. My doctor pointed out that my kidneys and liver were functioning at normal levels again. They were not last year. Part of that may have been because of the stones, but I have stones now and they are still functioning normal. It was a great feeling to see, in writing, that my physical health is no longer taking a toll due to the stress of my situation. I can also see it in pictures. I can see a difference in my eyes. My eyes are brighter now. My smile is more genuine and not forced now. A family friend told me within weeks of moving out that my body language changed after I left. I was more relaxed, especially in my face. I didn't keep the stress on my face and tenseness in my body.
I have also started dating again. This whole process has been hard. It has brought up a whole new set of challenges for me that I haven't had for 10 years. Some of them are new due to the divorce and the situation I was faced with that led to the divorce. I'm realizing that I will never be in the same place I was before. I am in a different place. It is My New Normal. The experiences I have had in the past 10 years have changed me; some good, some bad. I have found myself being insecure and self conscious. I have discovered some of these situations are a first for me. I don't know how to navigate them, but I am willing to figure them out.
My biggest problem is I tend to take things personally. I know this is something I need to work on. I've always had this problem, but I think the events of the past year have exacerbated this insecurity. I am so used to trying to anticipate every possible scenario to minimize the surprises and to prepare myself to deal with situations. Between a divorce, financial instability, death of a loved one and my own health issues, I want to minimize the surprises as much as I can. Unfortunately, this causes me to overthink EVERYTHING and come up with possible outcomes and reasons for each scenario. It's kinda like one of those build your own stories books we used to read as kids. I map out every possible story in my head to try to prepare myself for every possible outcome. In the process, I work myself into a frenzy feeling insecure and responsible for the outcomes when honestly, may not have anything to do with me.
The biggest frustration in all of this is that I am usually fighting myself in these situations. I'm exhausting every option in my head and the actual outcome usually isn't one I have thought about and usually is much simpler than the frenzy I've worked up in my own head. I need to learn how to slow my brain down, simplify and be confident in my situation. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. With dating now, I've found that I need someone who can accept me for who I am now while understanding this is not who I want to be in the future. I want to be better and work on this, but I also feel like I can't work on it unless I am in the situation to have these feelings. (For the record, this is not why I want to be with someone. It's because I genuinely miss the companionship and want someone in my life).
I've realized this makes me wish I could date my girlfriends if they were in a man's body. LOL My female friends understand it. They get it. They know exactly where I am coming from because a lot of them are wired the same. I think the biggest reason is they see the redeeming qualities in me and they trump the less appealing qualities. They know my insecurities are a character flaw and something I want to work on. They are also my biggest cheerleaders. They are able to understand me; not on a superficial level, but deep down in my soul. They see my heart. They know I am a deeply complicated person who tries to be in touch with my feelings and the reasons I am feeling that way. They know they can ask me for anything and I will do my best to help. They know I will be there to support them how they have supported me. They know the things I have been through have brought me life experience no one else can understand. They know these things have damaged me, but it doesn't change the goodness in my heart. One of my friends in my bible study told me she felt like God was putting me through all of this to use me for good things. When I have friends who are losing parents, contemplating or going through divorce and feeling defeated, they know I understand what they are going through on a deeper level. I have been able to offer support to friends in many of these situations because I've survived them.
It reminds me of "Just Give Me a Reason" by P!nk and Nate Ruess. I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday and was reminded "We're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again". I am not broken, but I was close. I am bent, but I am learning to love again. I'm learning to love life again. I'm learning to love getting out and meeting new people again. I am learning to love adventure and activity again. I am learning to love the person who I have become in the past year since I filed for divorce. I am also learning to embrace the dating process and understand it is a process and it's not my comfort zone. It's not what I am used to. It's not what I've been conditioned to for the past 10 years. It has not broken me, just bent me, and I am learning to love again. For that, I can thank God everyday he has given me another day to make a difference in the lives of those I encounter. I can be thankful My New Normal is not what I imagined it would be a year ago. I will keep getting better. I will keep growing and examining the changes in my life. I will keep living my life forward, but understanding it in reverse. I will keep Living, Loving and Learning.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Where has the summer gone?
i probably shouldn't be posting right now. Why? Because I'm tired so who know what's gonna come outta my blog.
But anywho...
I can't believe how fast this summer has gone. I also can't believe how much fun I've had. I said I wanted to have the summer of fun and I have been. There have still been some internal struggles, but I'm working through them and trying to get myself in a better place.
The biggest change is that I've been getting OUT and doing stuff. I used to be such a homebody before. I thought I just loved my house (which I did), but I also realized it was because I was afraid to leave. Whenever I left, it was a "cat's away so the mouse is at play" situation and it usually ended with me having to pick up some kind of pieces. I had this massive sense of relief when I could go out and enjoy myself without the worry of what I was going to come home to (with the exception of kitten shenanigans).
The stress I felt last summer was making me sick, literally. My kidney stones were awful, I was getting bladder infections all the time because of it and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had no motivation. None. Nope. Nada. I think I rode my bike once last year. ONCE! I've already rode 350 miles so far in June, July and August. 350 MILES?! SAY WHAT?! As much as I enjoyed my garden and my pool, I barely dealt with either one of them last year. This year, I longed for a garden, but the timing and cash-flow weren't cooperating so next year...I have a sense of peace this year that I didn't have last year. Granted, I still have stress, but it's not the same stress. It's residual crap I need to handle from the fallout of the divorce, but I know in time, that too will pass.
I've discovered so much about myself this past year. I am ok living by myself again. At first, I was scared that I would end up hitting my head, passing out and having Snickers eat my face off, but now I'm actually enjoying it. I still go through phases where I feel lonely, but I will gladly take the loneliness compared to what I was living before. Even though money is much tighter and I need to be more disciplined than in the past, it's ok. I'm finding some amazing things to do for free or cheap. It's stuff I've always wanted to do, but didn't want to do alone. I've reconnected with so many amazing people and have added some new ones to the mix too. I realize just how blessed I am to have the support of all these people around me.
With the changes in my marital status, I've also had to come to terms with dating again. It's terrifying. The though of having to get to know someone again, wonder if they're interested, be scared if they think I'm too fat, too goofy, too big haired, too nerdy, too obnoxious, etc. It's terrifying. I have slowly been putting myself out there, but I'm realizing I'm not the same person I was before. I'm not willing to settle or lower my standards just so I can be with someone. I'm ok with that. I've also noticed there are a lot of guys out there that try to convince me otherwise. I'm not going to compromise who I am to be with someone. Not anymore. It's not to say I'm not willing to compromise, I'm just not willing to compromise who I am to make someone else happy. Can I be better? Absolutely, and I'm working on that, but I am far from perfect. I'm still insecure. I still take things personally. I still guard my heart because of all the hurt I've had to face. On the flip side though, I know I have a lot to offer. I'll get there eventually. It just might take some time. I'm not willing to rush just so I can squeeze myself into a mold I think will make me normal only to find out it's the furthest thing from normal. I would rather have a slightly off kilter happy relationship than a dysfunctional miserable one.
Another things I've discovered this past year is my laugh. I think I've belly laughed harder this year than ever before. That OMG-my-gut-hurts-my-cheeks-are-about-to-explode-and-I-have-tears-running-down-my-face belly laugh. It's a feeling I lost a few years back. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I held that back for so long because of everything I was going through. It's coming back and it feels awesome. I've had some awesome things to laugh about. To name a few, sitting in my living room with some old, old friends reminiscing and laughing uncontrollably (this has happened numerous times), watching Snickers face plant into the kitty condo and then her ass catches up to her 2 seconds later, State Fair ('nuff said), Brewer games (thanks Colleen) and the endless uses for an Aramiz Ramirez head-on-a-stick, watching Ann sleep during fireworks, jumping on the trampoline with Camden and Coleson, dressing up as Thor with a baby dressed up as Thor, endlessly tickling Arianna and Elias, attempting to get Grandma lit on fuzzy navels (I love that woman), telling the ridiculous stories of my dating life, conquering the hammock (thank you for lowering it Dale), swinging on a children's tire swing whilst drinking martinis (pinkies out girls!), cards against humanity, Breakaway and many many more. I thought I lost my laugh. It's back, and still loud, and probably a little too obnoxious, but I'm ok with that because it is genuine, from the heart and 100% Dana.
This year has flown by. That's how the last few years have been. With the stress comes the ability to lose time. I guess sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes it's not. I wish summer would slow down a little. I'm enjoying getting out and having fun. I have a lot more things I want to do!
I hope everyone is having a fantastical summer so far. I know some of you have been dealing with pain, heartache, breakups, death, illness, unemployment and other struggles. I hope you realize, there is a time for this in your life. Without the pain and struggle, we can't appreciate the good times. If anyone can be a testament to that, it's me. I have had so much happen in just a few short years. I've lost some of the most important people in my life, gone through a divorce, dealt with the financial fallout, dealt with the pain of kidney stones and eventual surgery and so many more things I'd love to write, but I'm not willing to air my ex's dirty laundry. I will be ok and so will you. Ask for help, surround your self with good people, don't slip into old habits, don't hurt the ones you love, enjoy life.
My new normal still isn't what I wanted it to be, but lately, it's been turning out to be ok.
Peace out homies,
Dana
But anywho...
I can't believe how fast this summer has gone. I also can't believe how much fun I've had. I said I wanted to have the summer of fun and I have been. There have still been some internal struggles, but I'm working through them and trying to get myself in a better place.
The biggest change is that I've been getting OUT and doing stuff. I used to be such a homebody before. I thought I just loved my house (which I did), but I also realized it was because I was afraid to leave. Whenever I left, it was a "cat's away so the mouse is at play" situation and it usually ended with me having to pick up some kind of pieces. I had this massive sense of relief when I could go out and enjoy myself without the worry of what I was going to come home to (with the exception of kitten shenanigans).
The stress I felt last summer was making me sick, literally. My kidney stones were awful, I was getting bladder infections all the time because of it and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had no motivation. None. Nope. Nada. I think I rode my bike once last year. ONCE! I've already rode 350 miles so far in June, July and August. 350 MILES?! SAY WHAT?! As much as I enjoyed my garden and my pool, I barely dealt with either one of them last year. This year, I longed for a garden, but the timing and cash-flow weren't cooperating so next year...I have a sense of peace this year that I didn't have last year. Granted, I still have stress, but it's not the same stress. It's residual crap I need to handle from the fallout of the divorce, but I know in time, that too will pass.
I've discovered so much about myself this past year. I am ok living by myself again. At first, I was scared that I would end up hitting my head, passing out and having Snickers eat my face off, but now I'm actually enjoying it. I still go through phases where I feel lonely, but I will gladly take the loneliness compared to what I was living before. Even though money is much tighter and I need to be more disciplined than in the past, it's ok. I'm finding some amazing things to do for free or cheap. It's stuff I've always wanted to do, but didn't want to do alone. I've reconnected with so many amazing people and have added some new ones to the mix too. I realize just how blessed I am to have the support of all these people around me.
With the changes in my marital status, I've also had to come to terms with dating again. It's terrifying. The though of having to get to know someone again, wonder if they're interested, be scared if they think I'm too fat, too goofy, too big haired, too nerdy, too obnoxious, etc. It's terrifying. I have slowly been putting myself out there, but I'm realizing I'm not the same person I was before. I'm not willing to settle or lower my standards just so I can be with someone. I'm ok with that. I've also noticed there are a lot of guys out there that try to convince me otherwise. I'm not going to compromise who I am to be with someone. Not anymore. It's not to say I'm not willing to compromise, I'm just not willing to compromise who I am to make someone else happy. Can I be better? Absolutely, and I'm working on that, but I am far from perfect. I'm still insecure. I still take things personally. I still guard my heart because of all the hurt I've had to face. On the flip side though, I know I have a lot to offer. I'll get there eventually. It just might take some time. I'm not willing to rush just so I can squeeze myself into a mold I think will make me normal only to find out it's the furthest thing from normal. I would rather have a slightly off kilter happy relationship than a dysfunctional miserable one.
Another things I've discovered this past year is my laugh. I think I've belly laughed harder this year than ever before. That OMG-my-gut-hurts-my-cheeks-are-about-to-explode-and-I-have-tears-running-down-my-face belly laugh. It's a feeling I lost a few years back. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I held that back for so long because of everything I was going through. It's coming back and it feels awesome. I've had some awesome things to laugh about. To name a few, sitting in my living room with some old, old friends reminiscing and laughing uncontrollably (this has happened numerous times), watching Snickers face plant into the kitty condo and then her ass catches up to her 2 seconds later, State Fair ('nuff said), Brewer games (thanks Colleen) and the endless uses for an Aramiz Ramirez head-on-a-stick, watching Ann sleep during fireworks, jumping on the trampoline with Camden and Coleson, dressing up as Thor with a baby dressed up as Thor, endlessly tickling Arianna and Elias, attempting to get Grandma lit on fuzzy navels (I love that woman), telling the ridiculous stories of my dating life, conquering the hammock (thank you for lowering it Dale), swinging on a children's tire swing whilst drinking martinis (pinkies out girls!), cards against humanity, Breakaway and many many more. I thought I lost my laugh. It's back, and still loud, and probably a little too obnoxious, but I'm ok with that because it is genuine, from the heart and 100% Dana.
This year has flown by. That's how the last few years have been. With the stress comes the ability to lose time. I guess sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes it's not. I wish summer would slow down a little. I'm enjoying getting out and having fun. I have a lot more things I want to do!
I hope everyone is having a fantastical summer so far. I know some of you have been dealing with pain, heartache, breakups, death, illness, unemployment and other struggles. I hope you realize, there is a time for this in your life. Without the pain and struggle, we can't appreciate the good times. If anyone can be a testament to that, it's me. I have had so much happen in just a few short years. I've lost some of the most important people in my life, gone through a divorce, dealt with the financial fallout, dealt with the pain of kidney stones and eventual surgery and so many more things I'd love to write, but I'm not willing to air my ex's dirty laundry. I will be ok and so will you. Ask for help, surround your self with good people, don't slip into old habits, don't hurt the ones you love, enjoy life.
My new normal still isn't what I wanted it to be, but lately, it's been turning out to be ok.
Peace out homies,
Dana
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Happy Father's Day
I know I haven't posted in a long time. It's been a rough and then busy couple of months. Life has gotten in the way, but this week, I've been thinking a lot about my dad. It's father's day so naturally he is on my mind with every reminder I see.
I miss him. I miss him everyday. He lived 100 miles away, but I miss him more now than I ever did. It's so permanent. The only way he lives on now is in my memories.
My dad and I had a way about us. We could talk about things one minute and be screaming mad the next. When we got mad, we knew how to push each other's buttons and usually did. But I know, if I ever needed something, not wanted, but NEEDED something, I could count on him. I remember when he was at my house a few years ago and said he had a conversation with my grandpa regarding a family situation. My grandpa said "If Dana called you and said she needed help, wouldn't you help her?" My dad's response was (paraphrasing) "yes, because I know if Dana ever called and asked for help it was because she truly needed it, but Dana doesn't need my help. She has been taking care of herself for a long time and would only ask if she had tried every other way." I knew it was his way of telling me he was proud of me for being strong, independent and not taking advantage of others. He didn't have to say it.
The details surrounding my dad's death still haunt me. (see New Life if you aren't familiar). I have a hard time with milestone days: his birthday, my birthday (the day he and my grandpa died), Father's Day, Christmas. With every passing year, I pray for understanding and acceptance that he's gone. I still want to call him. I still want his advice. And now that his wife is gone, I feel like I've lost the one person in this world who kept his memory alive the most. She loved him so much and was so strong the past year and a half.
I know it's natural to wish someone who is gone was still here, but it is tenfold for me. With all of the changes this past year (divorce, moving, financial problems related to the divorce, kidney stones, etc), I wish he was here to help me, but he wasn't. I had to rely on myself, my friends, what little family I have left and most importantly, God. Maybe the lesson in all of this was to teach me that I am in control of nothing and I need to learn how to let go and let God. That's great, tell that to the control freak who tries to keep everything from falling apart to avoid the chaos, conflict and complications. Guess what? I have control over NOTHING. I can't control what happened. I can't control my situation. These things have happened and are happening and I can't stop it. I can't make my ex-husband do what he said he was going to do. I couldn't make the problems in our marriage go away. I can't stop my financial situation. I couldn't stop my dad from dying. I couldn't stop Mary from dying. I couldn't control the day my grandpa died or the day my dad died. I have to throw my hands in the air and pray for peace, guidance and understanding. What's that saying? The night is darkest before the dawn. Well, dawn better be pretty darn bright considering how dark it's been.
At this point, all I can do is look back and be thankful for all the things my dad did. He was my dad. He made me a birthday cake one year. HE made me a birthday cake. It was a 2 layer chocolate cake. He frosted it and wrote on the top in white icing "Happy Birthday Dana", but that wasn't enough. That wasn't my dad. On the side of the cake, he wrote "Babbs", his nickname for me. He later bought me a shirt that said "Babb's shirt". Here's me with it the Christmas after he died (only 11 days after) with Grams. We all wore camo in his honor.
He taught me to fish. Even the last time I went fishing with him (which was probably 10 years ago), he still baited my line. Why? Because he knew how much I DESPISED touching worms and putting them on a hook. He fixed my 1985 Dodge Daytona exhaust more times that I could count (sorry for those of you that had to experience that car). He also taught me how to pull off a good practical joke.
I'll never forget the time we went fishing (I think I was about 20-21 at the time), just me and him. We were out in the boat and I was casting my line and kept getting hooked on rocks. He was already getting irritated with me. He told me to cast near this pier. Well, I did...ON the pier. My treble hook got caught in between the boards of the deck of the pier. He was not about to cut a line so pissing and moaning, he trolled over to the pier and leaned over the side of the boat trying to unhook my hook. Then it started raining. Big Dave was not one to enjoy the shitty part of nature. He eventually got it unhooked and we went back to shore...him swearing the entire way. During this same camping trip, when my brother and I drove into the campground, there stood our dad and two uncles at the RV one of my uncles rented. They were emptying the chemical toilet. There stood 3 idiots, drinking beer, yelling "shitter's full!" at my brother and me.
As much as I miss him, I will always be glad he was my daddy. There were good times and there were bad times, but he was my dad and I was his baby girl, his Babbs. For all of you whose fathers are still around, be grateful. Hug them tighter on Father's Day. Tell him how much you love him and that you're glad he's your dad. For those of you that have lost your fathers, whether to death, illness, mental illness, addiction or whatever the reason may be, be grateful for him, even if you think it wasn't good. His involvement, or lack thereof, in your life is the reason you are who you are and if you're reading this, you're one of my friends and last I checked, you're amazing because I've been lucky to have awesome people supporting me. For all of you that are fathers, hug your kids a little tighter. Think about the father you want to be. Think about the father you should be. Are you living up to that standard? If not, time to do what you need to do. Help them, but don't enable. Love them, but don't smother them. Teach them, but don't do it for them. Be their rock, whether they need it or not. Show your kids what a real man is and teach them what you want them to be.
Happy Father's Day
Love,
Dave's baby girl
I miss him. I miss him everyday. He lived 100 miles away, but I miss him more now than I ever did. It's so permanent. The only way he lives on now is in my memories.
My dad and I had a way about us. We could talk about things one minute and be screaming mad the next. When we got mad, we knew how to push each other's buttons and usually did. But I know, if I ever needed something, not wanted, but NEEDED something, I could count on him. I remember when he was at my house a few years ago and said he had a conversation with my grandpa regarding a family situation. My grandpa said "If Dana called you and said she needed help, wouldn't you help her?" My dad's response was (paraphrasing) "yes, because I know if Dana ever called and asked for help it was because she truly needed it, but Dana doesn't need my help. She has been taking care of herself for a long time and would only ask if she had tried every other way." I knew it was his way of telling me he was proud of me for being strong, independent and not taking advantage of others. He didn't have to say it.
The details surrounding my dad's death still haunt me. (see New Life if you aren't familiar). I have a hard time with milestone days: his birthday, my birthday (the day he and my grandpa died), Father's Day, Christmas. With every passing year, I pray for understanding and acceptance that he's gone. I still want to call him. I still want his advice. And now that his wife is gone, I feel like I've lost the one person in this world who kept his memory alive the most. She loved him so much and was so strong the past year and a half.
I know it's natural to wish someone who is gone was still here, but it is tenfold for me. With all of the changes this past year (divorce, moving, financial problems related to the divorce, kidney stones, etc), I wish he was here to help me, but he wasn't. I had to rely on myself, my friends, what little family I have left and most importantly, God. Maybe the lesson in all of this was to teach me that I am in control of nothing and I need to learn how to let go and let God. That's great, tell that to the control freak who tries to keep everything from falling apart to avoid the chaos, conflict and complications. Guess what? I have control over NOTHING. I can't control what happened. I can't control my situation. These things have happened and are happening and I can't stop it. I can't make my ex-husband do what he said he was going to do. I couldn't make the problems in our marriage go away. I can't stop my financial situation. I couldn't stop my dad from dying. I couldn't stop Mary from dying. I couldn't control the day my grandpa died or the day my dad died. I have to throw my hands in the air and pray for peace, guidance and understanding. What's that saying? The night is darkest before the dawn. Well, dawn better be pretty darn bright considering how dark it's been.
At this point, all I can do is look back and be thankful for all the things my dad did. He was my dad. He made me a birthday cake one year. HE made me a birthday cake. It was a 2 layer chocolate cake. He frosted it and wrote on the top in white icing "Happy Birthday Dana", but that wasn't enough. That wasn't my dad. On the side of the cake, he wrote "Babbs", his nickname for me. He later bought me a shirt that said "Babb's shirt". Here's me with it the Christmas after he died (only 11 days after) with Grams. We all wore camo in his honor.
He taught me to fish. Even the last time I went fishing with him (which was probably 10 years ago), he still baited my line. Why? Because he knew how much I DESPISED touching worms and putting them on a hook. He fixed my 1985 Dodge Daytona exhaust more times that I could count (sorry for those of you that had to experience that car). He also taught me how to pull off a good practical joke.
I'll never forget the time we went fishing (I think I was about 20-21 at the time), just me and him. We were out in the boat and I was casting my line and kept getting hooked on rocks. He was already getting irritated with me. He told me to cast near this pier. Well, I did...ON the pier. My treble hook got caught in between the boards of the deck of the pier. He was not about to cut a line so pissing and moaning, he trolled over to the pier and leaned over the side of the boat trying to unhook my hook. Then it started raining. Big Dave was not one to enjoy the shitty part of nature. He eventually got it unhooked and we went back to shore...him swearing the entire way. During this same camping trip, when my brother and I drove into the campground, there stood our dad and two uncles at the RV one of my uncles rented. They were emptying the chemical toilet. There stood 3 idiots, drinking beer, yelling "shitter's full!" at my brother and me.
As much as I miss him, I will always be glad he was my daddy. There were good times and there were bad times, but he was my dad and I was his baby girl, his Babbs. For all of you whose fathers are still around, be grateful. Hug them tighter on Father's Day. Tell him how much you love him and that you're glad he's your dad. For those of you that have lost your fathers, whether to death, illness, mental illness, addiction or whatever the reason may be, be grateful for him, even if you think it wasn't good. His involvement, or lack thereof, in your life is the reason you are who you are and if you're reading this, you're one of my friends and last I checked, you're amazing because I've been lucky to have awesome people supporting me. For all of you that are fathers, hug your kids a little tighter. Think about the father you want to be. Think about the father you should be. Are you living up to that standard? If not, time to do what you need to do. Help them, but don't enable. Love them, but don't smother them. Teach them, but don't do it for them. Be their rock, whether they need it or not. Show your kids what a real man is and teach them what you want them to be.
Happy Father's Day
Love,
Dave's baby girl
Friday, March 7, 2014
An Open Letter to Mary
I debated on putting something so open and heartfelt on my public blog, but I realized this is not the kind of thing I want to keep private. I feel if I kept this private, everyone wouldn't get a chance to know the glue that has held our family together. They wouldn't understand the immense loss we are all facing and they couldn't comprehend the grief we are living with.
This letter is to Mary, my stepmom, the love of my dad's life, mother of 3, stepmother of 2, mother in law to 3, grandmother to 2, sister, daughter and friend of many.
I feel like I have so much to say and so little time to say it. When did the time get so small? 15 years ago you came into my life. It was 15 years I didn't appreciate you enough. I didn't let you in. I didn't want to let you get close. I was afraid of what it would be like to have a mother figure because of the turmoil I went through. It wasn't personal. It was my own defenses going up because that was all I knew. I wish I would have grown closer to you. I wish I wouldn't have let this time be wasted.
I can't live in regrets though. I have to be thankful. I could have gone my entire life without knowing you and that would have been the real tragedy. Who would have been there for me after my dad died? Who could have understood better than you? You didn't care about the past. You didn't judge me for who I was. You didn't treat me like the brat I used to be. You treated me like a mother would treat her daughter. You hugged me, listened to me, gave me advice, cried with me, laughed with me and most importantly, loved me.
I don't think people know how much you will be missed. Those of us in your family know. There will be a void that can never be filled. The day we found out about your illness, a part of our hearts became permanently vacant. It can never be filled again because the tenant could never be replaced. I hate that your kids have to feel an ounce of this. They love you so much.
You have loved everyone so freely and so openly. When someone needed a hand, you stepped up and helped in any way you could. You took care of Grandma after Grandpa died. You didn't have to. You did it because you loved her and cared about her. The appreciation the two of you had for each other was admirable. That can never be replicated or replaced.
You set a great example of unconditional love. You loved all of us wholeheartedly. You always wanted holidays to be a good memory. You always wanted us to be happy. And even when we weren't, you didn't hold a grudge if we took it out on you. You just loved us. Life was a celebration to you. I can honestly say I didn't appreciate it enough. I didn't celebrate it enough. I didn't take advantage of it enough. The good thing is that I know this now and there is time to change.
The past year and 2 1/2 months have brought us closer. I am eternally grateful for that. It's also why this pain is so overwhelming. You never made me feel like I was a burden. You understood my grief and my pain. You didn't diminish it or try to minimize it. You grieved with me. With all of us.
I'm sorry for all the times I was a snot nosed brat. I guess that would translate into "red headed stepchild" (sometimes literally depending on the color choice). I'm sorry for not letting you in. I'm sorry for not letting you love me more. I'm sorry for wasting all the time we had. I'm sorry for the regrets. I'm sorry for the heartache. I'm sorry for not being able to be there everyday (you'd get sick of me anyway). I'm sorry all of this is happening to you.
I don't understand God's plan in all of this. I don't understand God's plan in my life the past few years. Things have been so hard. You've been there for me every step of the way. I don't know how we will get through this. I pray God will protect us and get us through this. I pray you have peace in this transition.
I love you. I'm sorry for not showing you more. I'm sorry for not saying it more. I don't know any other way to tell you how much you've meant to me, especially since Dad died. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being there.
If there is any comfort in all of this, it's that we had the chance to say the things that needed to be said. We had the chance to tell each other how much we love each other. We had the chance to be together. To enjoy our time together while we still had it.
Soon, your journey will end and we will have to find a way to go on. It will not be easy. How do you keep your house stable when the foundation is gone? In the end, these are the things that give me comfort...God is preparing an amazing place in heaven for you. One deserving of an amazing woman who has given so much to so many. He will wrap you in His loving embrace. There will be no more pain. There will be no more cancer. There will be no more sickness. But I know what there will be...waiting for you, with open arms, will be the love of your life ready to wrap his arms around his amazing wife.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love you,
Dana
This letter is to Mary, my stepmom, the love of my dad's life, mother of 3, stepmother of 2, mother in law to 3, grandmother to 2, sister, daughter and friend of many.
I feel like I have so much to say and so little time to say it. When did the time get so small? 15 years ago you came into my life. It was 15 years I didn't appreciate you enough. I didn't let you in. I didn't want to let you get close. I was afraid of what it would be like to have a mother figure because of the turmoil I went through. It wasn't personal. It was my own defenses going up because that was all I knew. I wish I would have grown closer to you. I wish I wouldn't have let this time be wasted.
I can't live in regrets though. I have to be thankful. I could have gone my entire life without knowing you and that would have been the real tragedy. Who would have been there for me after my dad died? Who could have understood better than you? You didn't care about the past. You didn't judge me for who I was. You didn't treat me like the brat I used to be. You treated me like a mother would treat her daughter. You hugged me, listened to me, gave me advice, cried with me, laughed with me and most importantly, loved me.
I don't think people know how much you will be missed. Those of us in your family know. There will be a void that can never be filled. The day we found out about your illness, a part of our hearts became permanently vacant. It can never be filled again because the tenant could never be replaced. I hate that your kids have to feel an ounce of this. They love you so much.
You have loved everyone so freely and so openly. When someone needed a hand, you stepped up and helped in any way you could. You took care of Grandma after Grandpa died. You didn't have to. You did it because you loved her and cared about her. The appreciation the two of you had for each other was admirable. That can never be replicated or replaced.
You set a great example of unconditional love. You loved all of us wholeheartedly. You always wanted holidays to be a good memory. You always wanted us to be happy. And even when we weren't, you didn't hold a grudge if we took it out on you. You just loved us. Life was a celebration to you. I can honestly say I didn't appreciate it enough. I didn't celebrate it enough. I didn't take advantage of it enough. The good thing is that I know this now and there is time to change.
The past year and 2 1/2 months have brought us closer. I am eternally grateful for that. It's also why this pain is so overwhelming. You never made me feel like I was a burden. You understood my grief and my pain. You didn't diminish it or try to minimize it. You grieved with me. With all of us.
I'm sorry for all the times I was a snot nosed brat. I guess that would translate into "red headed stepchild" (sometimes literally depending on the color choice). I'm sorry for not letting you in. I'm sorry for not letting you love me more. I'm sorry for wasting all the time we had. I'm sorry for the regrets. I'm sorry for the heartache. I'm sorry for not being able to be there everyday (you'd get sick of me anyway). I'm sorry all of this is happening to you.
I don't understand God's plan in all of this. I don't understand God's plan in my life the past few years. Things have been so hard. You've been there for me every step of the way. I don't know how we will get through this. I pray God will protect us and get us through this. I pray you have peace in this transition.
I love you. I'm sorry for not showing you more. I'm sorry for not saying it more. I don't know any other way to tell you how much you've meant to me, especially since Dad died. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being there.
If there is any comfort in all of this, it's that we had the chance to say the things that needed to be said. We had the chance to tell each other how much we love each other. We had the chance to be together. To enjoy our time together while we still had it.
Soon, your journey will end and we will have to find a way to go on. It will not be easy. How do you keep your house stable when the foundation is gone? In the end, these are the things that give me comfort...God is preparing an amazing place in heaven for you. One deserving of an amazing woman who has given so much to so many. He will wrap you in His loving embrace. There will be no more pain. There will be no more cancer. There will be no more sickness. But I know what there will be...waiting for you, with open arms, will be the love of your life ready to wrap his arms around his amazing wife.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love you,
Dana
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