I apologize for the delay in posting. Life has gotten in the way recently...
It's hard to believe tomorrow will be father's day already. Where did the past months go? I know I've mentioned this before, but I seriously feel like I've lost months of my life...sometimes years. I find myself wanting to write "March" on forms I have to fill out at work. Things have been a blur.
One thing I do know is that there are different types of losses. Sometimes we mourn the loss of people in our lives. Sometimes it's the loss of an expectation we had, sometimes it's a physical loss and sometimes it's an emotional loss. Obviously with my dad, it was a physical and emotional loss. With other family, it is much different. They are still here physically, but the loss is emotional and dealing with the let down that they can't be in my life the way I wish they could.
It's hard to reach out to these people for fear of being rejected again, fear of not being good enough, fear of being hurt again, but I tried after my dad died. I tried to change things and start over. I've had to accept the fact that one of the people I reached out to (in a small way) has no interest in having a different, more meaningful relationship. They don't want to reciprocate or even acknowledge my presence when I'm there. I'm not going to invest anything else in someone who can't even say hi to me when I'm there. I've had enough heartache this year to last me a lifetime. I don't need any more. And the sad thing is...this person knows what I have gone through this year and there is no compassion, no sympathy, no empathy. So what else can I do? I don't think I have to make myself more vulnerable and set myself up for more pain. I've had my share of pain this year.
The other person I reached out to seemed to be ok for a little while. And then they showed their colors again. Still the same old games. This was years worth of estrangement that I put aside to try to mend fences. When the time came and I got hurt again, I expressed MY feelings and was told, once again, that they weren't valid. The difference this time is that there were numerous other people there to validate my feelings and tell me they understood. For once, I had validation.
Losing someone physically is definitely hard. It's definitely definite. There is no going back and changing things or making things right. There is no mending fences. IIWII (It is what it is). The mourning is painful and gut wrenching. However, losing someone emotionally is sometimes just as painful. Having to accept the fact that you will never have the relationship you thought you'd have with someone is devastating at times. You have to accept that the person can't be who you need them to be. You have to accept that you can't give your happiness away to try to please someone who is unpleasable. It's knowing that person may live miles from you, but won't pick up the phone and call because they can't swallow their pride. They can't be a better person. They can't put anyone in front of themselves. It's not tricking yourself into thinking you're not good enough. Rejection sucks.
It recently came up in therapy that I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to just be. I'm always looking for something wrong and I'm always on edge expecting the worst. Our therapist told me I deserve to be happy. I DESERVE to be happy. She told me I am good enough. I am a good person. I am a good person who has been told all her life she wasn't good enough. And the people who told me that were really the ones that weren't good enough. They just wanted me to feel worse than them so they could feel better about themselves. These are the same people I struggle with losing emotionally.
I don't really mourn the loss of the person, but I mourn the loss of the relationship and the loss of what could have been. The loss of the expectation of what the relationship should be. The loss of the potential life I could have had with them. I've had to accept that IIWII and that I'm not willing to add more pain into my life with nothing positive in return. On the flip side, I also have to accept that other people DO have these positive relationships and as jealous and I am of that, I am glad that I have had many surrogate mothers in my life and many people who I consider my family that aren't blood related to me. The people in my life who love me unconditionally and don't make me feel bad about myself are the ones I choose to invest in. Those are the ones that will call me just to make sure I'm ok. They are the ones that I can hang out with and just be. I don't feel like I have to worry about being rejected. I know they love my for who I am and I AM good enough. Secretly I think these people are going to figure out "the real me" and run for the hills, but I need to remember, they DO know the real me and they are ok with it. They know I can be negative, emotional and neurotic and they are ok with that. Someone needs to make them look normal.
My new normal may be negative, emotional and neurotic, but at least I know my new normal is with the family I've surrounded myself with (either blood related or not) who would drive hundreds of miles in a snowstorm to be at my dad's funeral. They are the people who show up for our 4th of July party EVERY year and always ask how they can help, what can they bring, or what can they clean? And when I tell them "nothing" they still do it anyways. These are the same people who snow blow the driveway when Shane's gone. They are the people who see my pain and want to make it go away. They love me for who I am and understand I DESERVE to be happy and they do their best to try to help me get there.
