I know I say this every time I blog, but I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've blogged!
As I sit here on this Christmas Eve, I can't believe how much has changed in just a few short years. I look back on all that life has thrown at me and for some things, I'm grateful. For others, I'm sad, but I hope I will learn something from the experience.
I reflect back to last year and the loss of my marriage and the changes I faced during this time of year last year. I felt like I lost a family I was part of for 9 years. I was on my own again, but it was also a year since my dad had passed and I didn't know how Christmas would be without him. Mary was awesome. She worked hard to make sure he was part of it, but also wanted us all together. It was such a comfort to know some things just wouldn't change. Unfortunately, this year is no exception. Now that she's gone, Christmas just isn't the same. It will still be Christmas, but not the way it was. I wish I would have appreciated those days when they were here because now that they're gone, I miss them more than I ever thought I would. There is no yule log playing on the TV. There are no gifts under the tree with all of our names on them. There's no white elephant exchange (which may be a good thing because I don't know that I need another monkey hula ornament creeping me out JESSICA!). There is no meal where we eat way too much and too many sweets and walk out fat and happy. The joy she brought to this time of year is missing. There's a huge hole in my heart I never realized would be there until I lost my dad and her. I didn't realize the gift I was given for so many years was my dad and her in my life.
On a happier note, there are a lot of things to be grateful for. I'm grateful my life has changed for the better. I spent the past year healing mentally, emotionally and physically. I didn't know where my life would be a year ago. I'm not where I thought I would be, but I am right where I should be. This year has not been without struggle or pain, but it has been filled with joy too. I feel happy again. I am able to enjoy my life and do the things I never thought I'd do.
I went out for my (non) birthday this year. I say "non" because I didn't want any over the top overt birthday obnoxiousness. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who understand the difficulty of losing my dad and grandpa on my birthday and know it's a lot for me to handle. But I had FUN! I felt like a kid again at Dave & Buster's playing video games and enjoying myself. My favorite part of the night (besides having my amazing friends by my side), was 4 way air hockey. That was A BLAST. I highly suggest it if you ever go to D&B. Unfortunately, not everyone was able to make it out for my birthday. My closest friends, who are like sisters to me, made time to go out another night and made it special. I love this close knit group of friends. I can always be myself around them and we can always talk about anything (ahem...inappropriate pictures, ladies...).
I have also started dating again. This has been a learning experience that has brought some challenges. I didn't realize some of the insecurities and anxieties I would be feeling. I've had some pretty crappy dates, some ok dates, some amazing dates and even gained a few great friends out of the experience. For right now, I've been lucky enough to enjoy the company of someone who I enjoy spending time with who has been amazingly patient and understanding about the things I'm going through. He didn't know about my birthday, but when I told him, he said he wanted to take me out for a special night and to make good memories. How could I pass that up? I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I am going to enjoy what I have and be thankful for all the people God has put in my life this year.
My New Normal this year isn't what I thought it would be, but God has shown me I have some amazing friends who I consider family. I also have some amazing family. I was able to see a lot of my family I don't see very often. My aunt and my cousin stayed with me in August for a few days and it was awesome. I missed them so much and I cherished the time they were here. I didn't know where I would be this year physically, emotionally or mentally, but I am in a good place. I have people in my life who want me in theirs. I am so blessed.
And of course, I'm lucky enough to have some hilarious furry creatures. They have been my constants. I realized in September of this year that I had Scooter 9 years. A quarter of my life has been with this dog. He's "just a dog" right? Not my Scoots. He's been such a comfort through all of this. The tail is always wagging and he will never turn down a snuggle.
I have been a lucky girl this year. The gifts I have been given can't be wrapped in pretty paper with a bow on top. They are gifts I unwrapped in my heart that will always have a place in there. It's been the love and support of the people around me, the companionship of my fur babies and the blessings God has bestowed on me. Why would I want anything else?
Merry Christmas everyone. May God bless you in amazing ways this year with love, acceptance, support and amazing people who make you and your life better.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Living, Loving and Learning
As many of you probably saw on Facebook, yesterday marked a year since I filed for divorce. Without a blink, I know I am in a better place than where I was a year ago. I was able to reflect on where I was a year ago and where I am now. It also got me thinking where I want to be.
A year ago, I was physically sick over the events in my life. Kidney stones were out of control, blood pressure was high, stress was high and I was exhausted. EXHAUSTED. I went to see my doctor a few weeks ago. I had the usual blood tests, urine tests, physical, etc. I compared this year's results with last year's results. The difference was obvious. My doctor pointed out that my kidneys and liver were functioning at normal levels again. They were not last year. Part of that may have been because of the stones, but I have stones now and they are still functioning normal. It was a great feeling to see, in writing, that my physical health is no longer taking a toll due to the stress of my situation. I can also see it in pictures. I can see a difference in my eyes. My eyes are brighter now. My smile is more genuine and not forced now. A family friend told me within weeks of moving out that my body language changed after I left. I was more relaxed, especially in my face. I didn't keep the stress on my face and tenseness in my body.
I have also started dating again. This whole process has been hard. It has brought up a whole new set of challenges for me that I haven't had for 10 years. Some of them are new due to the divorce and the situation I was faced with that led to the divorce. I'm realizing that I will never be in the same place I was before. I am in a different place. It is My New Normal. The experiences I have had in the past 10 years have changed me; some good, some bad. I have found myself being insecure and self conscious. I have discovered some of these situations are a first for me. I don't know how to navigate them, but I am willing to figure them out.
My biggest problem is I tend to take things personally. I know this is something I need to work on. I've always had this problem, but I think the events of the past year have exacerbated this insecurity. I am so used to trying to anticipate every possible scenario to minimize the surprises and to prepare myself to deal with situations. Between a divorce, financial instability, death of a loved one and my own health issues, I want to minimize the surprises as much as I can. Unfortunately, this causes me to overthink EVERYTHING and come up with possible outcomes and reasons for each scenario. It's kinda like one of those build your own stories books we used to read as kids. I map out every possible story in my head to try to prepare myself for every possible outcome. In the process, I work myself into a frenzy feeling insecure and responsible for the outcomes when honestly, may not have anything to do with me.
The biggest frustration in all of this is that I am usually fighting myself in these situations. I'm exhausting every option in my head and the actual outcome usually isn't one I have thought about and usually is much simpler than the frenzy I've worked up in my own head. I need to learn how to slow my brain down, simplify and be confident in my situation. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. With dating now, I've found that I need someone who can accept me for who I am now while understanding this is not who I want to be in the future. I want to be better and work on this, but I also feel like I can't work on it unless I am in the situation to have these feelings. (For the record, this is not why I want to be with someone. It's because I genuinely miss the companionship and want someone in my life).
I've realized this makes me wish I could date my girlfriends if they were in a man's body. LOL My female friends understand it. They get it. They know exactly where I am coming from because a lot of them are wired the same. I think the biggest reason is they see the redeeming qualities in me and they trump the less appealing qualities. They know my insecurities are a character flaw and something I want to work on. They are also my biggest cheerleaders. They are able to understand me; not on a superficial level, but deep down in my soul. They see my heart. They know I am a deeply complicated person who tries to be in touch with my feelings and the reasons I am feeling that way. They know they can ask me for anything and I will do my best to help. They know I will be there to support them how they have supported me. They know the things I have been through have brought me life experience no one else can understand. They know these things have damaged me, but it doesn't change the goodness in my heart. One of my friends in my bible study told me she felt like God was putting me through all of this to use me for good things. When I have friends who are losing parents, contemplating or going through divorce and feeling defeated, they know I understand what they are going through on a deeper level. I have been able to offer support to friends in many of these situations because I've survived them.
It reminds me of "Just Give Me a Reason" by P!nk and Nate Ruess. I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday and was reminded "We're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again". I am not broken, but I was close. I am bent, but I am learning to love again. I'm learning to love life again. I'm learning to love getting out and meeting new people again. I am learning to love adventure and activity again. I am learning to love the person who I have become in the past year since I filed for divorce. I am also learning to embrace the dating process and understand it is a process and it's not my comfort zone. It's not what I am used to. It's not what I've been conditioned to for the past 10 years. It has not broken me, just bent me, and I am learning to love again. For that, I can thank God everyday he has given me another day to make a difference in the lives of those I encounter. I can be thankful My New Normal is not what I imagined it would be a year ago. I will keep getting better. I will keep growing and examining the changes in my life. I will keep living my life forward, but understanding it in reverse. I will keep Living, Loving and Learning.
A year ago, I was physically sick over the events in my life. Kidney stones were out of control, blood pressure was high, stress was high and I was exhausted. EXHAUSTED. I went to see my doctor a few weeks ago. I had the usual blood tests, urine tests, physical, etc. I compared this year's results with last year's results. The difference was obvious. My doctor pointed out that my kidneys and liver were functioning at normal levels again. They were not last year. Part of that may have been because of the stones, but I have stones now and they are still functioning normal. It was a great feeling to see, in writing, that my physical health is no longer taking a toll due to the stress of my situation. I can also see it in pictures. I can see a difference in my eyes. My eyes are brighter now. My smile is more genuine and not forced now. A family friend told me within weeks of moving out that my body language changed after I left. I was more relaxed, especially in my face. I didn't keep the stress on my face and tenseness in my body.
I have also started dating again. This whole process has been hard. It has brought up a whole new set of challenges for me that I haven't had for 10 years. Some of them are new due to the divorce and the situation I was faced with that led to the divorce. I'm realizing that I will never be in the same place I was before. I am in a different place. It is My New Normal. The experiences I have had in the past 10 years have changed me; some good, some bad. I have found myself being insecure and self conscious. I have discovered some of these situations are a first for me. I don't know how to navigate them, but I am willing to figure them out.
My biggest problem is I tend to take things personally. I know this is something I need to work on. I've always had this problem, but I think the events of the past year have exacerbated this insecurity. I am so used to trying to anticipate every possible scenario to minimize the surprises and to prepare myself to deal with situations. Between a divorce, financial instability, death of a loved one and my own health issues, I want to minimize the surprises as much as I can. Unfortunately, this causes me to overthink EVERYTHING and come up with possible outcomes and reasons for each scenario. It's kinda like one of those build your own stories books we used to read as kids. I map out every possible story in my head to try to prepare myself for every possible outcome. In the process, I work myself into a frenzy feeling insecure and responsible for the outcomes when honestly, may not have anything to do with me.
The biggest frustration in all of this is that I am usually fighting myself in these situations. I'm exhausting every option in my head and the actual outcome usually isn't one I have thought about and usually is much simpler than the frenzy I've worked up in my own head. I need to learn how to slow my brain down, simplify and be confident in my situation. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. With dating now, I've found that I need someone who can accept me for who I am now while understanding this is not who I want to be in the future. I want to be better and work on this, but I also feel like I can't work on it unless I am in the situation to have these feelings. (For the record, this is not why I want to be with someone. It's because I genuinely miss the companionship and want someone in my life).
I've realized this makes me wish I could date my girlfriends if they were in a man's body. LOL My female friends understand it. They get it. They know exactly where I am coming from because a lot of them are wired the same. I think the biggest reason is they see the redeeming qualities in me and they trump the less appealing qualities. They know my insecurities are a character flaw and something I want to work on. They are also my biggest cheerleaders. They are able to understand me; not on a superficial level, but deep down in my soul. They see my heart. They know I am a deeply complicated person who tries to be in touch with my feelings and the reasons I am feeling that way. They know they can ask me for anything and I will do my best to help. They know I will be there to support them how they have supported me. They know the things I have been through have brought me life experience no one else can understand. They know these things have damaged me, but it doesn't change the goodness in my heart. One of my friends in my bible study told me she felt like God was putting me through all of this to use me for good things. When I have friends who are losing parents, contemplating or going through divorce and feeling defeated, they know I understand what they are going through on a deeper level. I have been able to offer support to friends in many of these situations because I've survived them.
It reminds me of "Just Give Me a Reason" by P!nk and Nate Ruess. I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday and was reminded "We're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again". I am not broken, but I was close. I am bent, but I am learning to love again. I'm learning to love life again. I'm learning to love getting out and meeting new people again. I am learning to love adventure and activity again. I am learning to love the person who I have become in the past year since I filed for divorce. I am also learning to embrace the dating process and understand it is a process and it's not my comfort zone. It's not what I am used to. It's not what I've been conditioned to for the past 10 years. It has not broken me, just bent me, and I am learning to love again. For that, I can thank God everyday he has given me another day to make a difference in the lives of those I encounter. I can be thankful My New Normal is not what I imagined it would be a year ago. I will keep getting better. I will keep growing and examining the changes in my life. I will keep living my life forward, but understanding it in reverse. I will keep Living, Loving and Learning.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Where has the summer gone?
i probably shouldn't be posting right now. Why? Because I'm tired so who know what's gonna come outta my blog.
But anywho...
I can't believe how fast this summer has gone. I also can't believe how much fun I've had. I said I wanted to have the summer of fun and I have been. There have still been some internal struggles, but I'm working through them and trying to get myself in a better place.
The biggest change is that I've been getting OUT and doing stuff. I used to be such a homebody before. I thought I just loved my house (which I did), but I also realized it was because I was afraid to leave. Whenever I left, it was a "cat's away so the mouse is at play" situation and it usually ended with me having to pick up some kind of pieces. I had this massive sense of relief when I could go out and enjoy myself without the worry of what I was going to come home to (with the exception of kitten shenanigans).
The stress I felt last summer was making me sick, literally. My kidney stones were awful, I was getting bladder infections all the time because of it and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had no motivation. None. Nope. Nada. I think I rode my bike once last year. ONCE! I've already rode 350 miles so far in June, July and August. 350 MILES?! SAY WHAT?! As much as I enjoyed my garden and my pool, I barely dealt with either one of them last year. This year, I longed for a garden, but the timing and cash-flow weren't cooperating so next year...I have a sense of peace this year that I didn't have last year. Granted, I still have stress, but it's not the same stress. It's residual crap I need to handle from the fallout of the divorce, but I know in time, that too will pass.
I've discovered so much about myself this past year. I am ok living by myself again. At first, I was scared that I would end up hitting my head, passing out and having Snickers eat my face off, but now I'm actually enjoying it. I still go through phases where I feel lonely, but I will gladly take the loneliness compared to what I was living before. Even though money is much tighter and I need to be more disciplined than in the past, it's ok. I'm finding some amazing things to do for free or cheap. It's stuff I've always wanted to do, but didn't want to do alone. I've reconnected with so many amazing people and have added some new ones to the mix too. I realize just how blessed I am to have the support of all these people around me.
With the changes in my marital status, I've also had to come to terms with dating again. It's terrifying. The though of having to get to know someone again, wonder if they're interested, be scared if they think I'm too fat, too goofy, too big haired, too nerdy, too obnoxious, etc. It's terrifying. I have slowly been putting myself out there, but I'm realizing I'm not the same person I was before. I'm not willing to settle or lower my standards just so I can be with someone. I'm ok with that. I've also noticed there are a lot of guys out there that try to convince me otherwise. I'm not going to compromise who I am to be with someone. Not anymore. It's not to say I'm not willing to compromise, I'm just not willing to compromise who I am to make someone else happy. Can I be better? Absolutely, and I'm working on that, but I am far from perfect. I'm still insecure. I still take things personally. I still guard my heart because of all the hurt I've had to face. On the flip side though, I know I have a lot to offer. I'll get there eventually. It just might take some time. I'm not willing to rush just so I can squeeze myself into a mold I think will make me normal only to find out it's the furthest thing from normal. I would rather have a slightly off kilter happy relationship than a dysfunctional miserable one.
Another things I've discovered this past year is my laugh. I think I've belly laughed harder this year than ever before. That OMG-my-gut-hurts-my-cheeks-are-about-to-explode-and-I-have-tears-running-down-my-face belly laugh. It's a feeling I lost a few years back. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I held that back for so long because of everything I was going through. It's coming back and it feels awesome. I've had some awesome things to laugh about. To name a few, sitting in my living room with some old, old friends reminiscing and laughing uncontrollably (this has happened numerous times), watching Snickers face plant into the kitty condo and then her ass catches up to her 2 seconds later, State Fair ('nuff said), Brewer games (thanks Colleen) and the endless uses for an Aramiz Ramirez head-on-a-stick, watching Ann sleep during fireworks, jumping on the trampoline with Camden and Coleson, dressing up as Thor with a baby dressed up as Thor, endlessly tickling Arianna and Elias, attempting to get Grandma lit on fuzzy navels (I love that woman), telling the ridiculous stories of my dating life, conquering the hammock (thank you for lowering it Dale), swinging on a children's tire swing whilst drinking martinis (pinkies out girls!), cards against humanity, Breakaway and many many more. I thought I lost my laugh. It's back, and still loud, and probably a little too obnoxious, but I'm ok with that because it is genuine, from the heart and 100% Dana.
This year has flown by. That's how the last few years have been. With the stress comes the ability to lose time. I guess sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes it's not. I wish summer would slow down a little. I'm enjoying getting out and having fun. I have a lot more things I want to do!
I hope everyone is having a fantastical summer so far. I know some of you have been dealing with pain, heartache, breakups, death, illness, unemployment and other struggles. I hope you realize, there is a time for this in your life. Without the pain and struggle, we can't appreciate the good times. If anyone can be a testament to that, it's me. I have had so much happen in just a few short years. I've lost some of the most important people in my life, gone through a divorce, dealt with the financial fallout, dealt with the pain of kidney stones and eventual surgery and so many more things I'd love to write, but I'm not willing to air my ex's dirty laundry. I will be ok and so will you. Ask for help, surround your self with good people, don't slip into old habits, don't hurt the ones you love, enjoy life.
My new normal still isn't what I wanted it to be, but lately, it's been turning out to be ok.
Peace out homies,
Dana
But anywho...
I can't believe how fast this summer has gone. I also can't believe how much fun I've had. I said I wanted to have the summer of fun and I have been. There have still been some internal struggles, but I'm working through them and trying to get myself in a better place.
The biggest change is that I've been getting OUT and doing stuff. I used to be such a homebody before. I thought I just loved my house (which I did), but I also realized it was because I was afraid to leave. Whenever I left, it was a "cat's away so the mouse is at play" situation and it usually ended with me having to pick up some kind of pieces. I had this massive sense of relief when I could go out and enjoy myself without the worry of what I was going to come home to (with the exception of kitten shenanigans).
The stress I felt last summer was making me sick, literally. My kidney stones were awful, I was getting bladder infections all the time because of it and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had no motivation. None. Nope. Nada. I think I rode my bike once last year. ONCE! I've already rode 350 miles so far in June, July and August. 350 MILES?! SAY WHAT?! As much as I enjoyed my garden and my pool, I barely dealt with either one of them last year. This year, I longed for a garden, but the timing and cash-flow weren't cooperating so next year...I have a sense of peace this year that I didn't have last year. Granted, I still have stress, but it's not the same stress. It's residual crap I need to handle from the fallout of the divorce, but I know in time, that too will pass.
I've discovered so much about myself this past year. I am ok living by myself again. At first, I was scared that I would end up hitting my head, passing out and having Snickers eat my face off, but now I'm actually enjoying it. I still go through phases where I feel lonely, but I will gladly take the loneliness compared to what I was living before. Even though money is much tighter and I need to be more disciplined than in the past, it's ok. I'm finding some amazing things to do for free or cheap. It's stuff I've always wanted to do, but didn't want to do alone. I've reconnected with so many amazing people and have added some new ones to the mix too. I realize just how blessed I am to have the support of all these people around me.
With the changes in my marital status, I've also had to come to terms with dating again. It's terrifying. The though of having to get to know someone again, wonder if they're interested, be scared if they think I'm too fat, too goofy, too big haired, too nerdy, too obnoxious, etc. It's terrifying. I have slowly been putting myself out there, but I'm realizing I'm not the same person I was before. I'm not willing to settle or lower my standards just so I can be with someone. I'm ok with that. I've also noticed there are a lot of guys out there that try to convince me otherwise. I'm not going to compromise who I am to be with someone. Not anymore. It's not to say I'm not willing to compromise, I'm just not willing to compromise who I am to make someone else happy. Can I be better? Absolutely, and I'm working on that, but I am far from perfect. I'm still insecure. I still take things personally. I still guard my heart because of all the hurt I've had to face. On the flip side though, I know I have a lot to offer. I'll get there eventually. It just might take some time. I'm not willing to rush just so I can squeeze myself into a mold I think will make me normal only to find out it's the furthest thing from normal. I would rather have a slightly off kilter happy relationship than a dysfunctional miserable one.
Another things I've discovered this past year is my laugh. I think I've belly laughed harder this year than ever before. That OMG-my-gut-hurts-my-cheeks-are-about-to-explode-and-I-have-tears-running-down-my-face belly laugh. It's a feeling I lost a few years back. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I held that back for so long because of everything I was going through. It's coming back and it feels awesome. I've had some awesome things to laugh about. To name a few, sitting in my living room with some old, old friends reminiscing and laughing uncontrollably (this has happened numerous times), watching Snickers face plant into the kitty condo and then her ass catches up to her 2 seconds later, State Fair ('nuff said), Brewer games (thanks Colleen) and the endless uses for an Aramiz Ramirez head-on-a-stick, watching Ann sleep during fireworks, jumping on the trampoline with Camden and Coleson, dressing up as Thor with a baby dressed up as Thor, endlessly tickling Arianna and Elias, attempting to get Grandma lit on fuzzy navels (I love that woman), telling the ridiculous stories of my dating life, conquering the hammock (thank you for lowering it Dale), swinging on a children's tire swing whilst drinking martinis (pinkies out girls!), cards against humanity, Breakaway and many many more. I thought I lost my laugh. It's back, and still loud, and probably a little too obnoxious, but I'm ok with that because it is genuine, from the heart and 100% Dana.
This year has flown by. That's how the last few years have been. With the stress comes the ability to lose time. I guess sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes it's not. I wish summer would slow down a little. I'm enjoying getting out and having fun. I have a lot more things I want to do!
I hope everyone is having a fantastical summer so far. I know some of you have been dealing with pain, heartache, breakups, death, illness, unemployment and other struggles. I hope you realize, there is a time for this in your life. Without the pain and struggle, we can't appreciate the good times. If anyone can be a testament to that, it's me. I have had so much happen in just a few short years. I've lost some of the most important people in my life, gone through a divorce, dealt with the financial fallout, dealt with the pain of kidney stones and eventual surgery and so many more things I'd love to write, but I'm not willing to air my ex's dirty laundry. I will be ok and so will you. Ask for help, surround your self with good people, don't slip into old habits, don't hurt the ones you love, enjoy life.
My new normal still isn't what I wanted it to be, but lately, it's been turning out to be ok.
Peace out homies,
Dana
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Happy Father's Day
I know I haven't posted in a long time. It's been a rough and then busy couple of months. Life has gotten in the way, but this week, I've been thinking a lot about my dad. It's father's day so naturally he is on my mind with every reminder I see.
I miss him. I miss him everyday. He lived 100 miles away, but I miss him more now than I ever did. It's so permanent. The only way he lives on now is in my memories.
My dad and I had a way about us. We could talk about things one minute and be screaming mad the next. When we got mad, we knew how to push each other's buttons and usually did. But I know, if I ever needed something, not wanted, but NEEDED something, I could count on him. I remember when he was at my house a few years ago and said he had a conversation with my grandpa regarding a family situation. My grandpa said "If Dana called you and said she needed help, wouldn't you help her?" My dad's response was (paraphrasing) "yes, because I know if Dana ever called and asked for help it was because she truly needed it, but Dana doesn't need my help. She has been taking care of herself for a long time and would only ask if she had tried every other way." I knew it was his way of telling me he was proud of me for being strong, independent and not taking advantage of others. He didn't have to say it.
The details surrounding my dad's death still haunt me. (see New Life if you aren't familiar). I have a hard time with milestone days: his birthday, my birthday (the day he and my grandpa died), Father's Day, Christmas. With every passing year, I pray for understanding and acceptance that he's gone. I still want to call him. I still want his advice. And now that his wife is gone, I feel like I've lost the one person in this world who kept his memory alive the most. She loved him so much and was so strong the past year and a half.
I know it's natural to wish someone who is gone was still here, but it is tenfold for me. With all of the changes this past year (divorce, moving, financial problems related to the divorce, kidney stones, etc), I wish he was here to help me, but he wasn't. I had to rely on myself, my friends, what little family I have left and most importantly, God. Maybe the lesson in all of this was to teach me that I am in control of nothing and I need to learn how to let go and let God. That's great, tell that to the control freak who tries to keep everything from falling apart to avoid the chaos, conflict and complications. Guess what? I have control over NOTHING. I can't control what happened. I can't control my situation. These things have happened and are happening and I can't stop it. I can't make my ex-husband do what he said he was going to do. I couldn't make the problems in our marriage go away. I can't stop my financial situation. I couldn't stop my dad from dying. I couldn't stop Mary from dying. I couldn't control the day my grandpa died or the day my dad died. I have to throw my hands in the air and pray for peace, guidance and understanding. What's that saying? The night is darkest before the dawn. Well, dawn better be pretty darn bright considering how dark it's been.
At this point, all I can do is look back and be thankful for all the things my dad did. He was my dad. He made me a birthday cake one year. HE made me a birthday cake. It was a 2 layer chocolate cake. He frosted it and wrote on the top in white icing "Happy Birthday Dana", but that wasn't enough. That wasn't my dad. On the side of the cake, he wrote "Babbs", his nickname for me. He later bought me a shirt that said "Babb's shirt". Here's me with it the Christmas after he died (only 11 days after) with Grams. We all wore camo in his honor.
He taught me to fish. Even the last time I went fishing with him (which was probably 10 years ago), he still baited my line. Why? Because he knew how much I DESPISED touching worms and putting them on a hook. He fixed my 1985 Dodge Daytona exhaust more times that I could count (sorry for those of you that had to experience that car). He also taught me how to pull off a good practical joke.
I'll never forget the time we went fishing (I think I was about 20-21 at the time), just me and him. We were out in the boat and I was casting my line and kept getting hooked on rocks. He was already getting irritated with me. He told me to cast near this pier. Well, I did...ON the pier. My treble hook got caught in between the boards of the deck of the pier. He was not about to cut a line so pissing and moaning, he trolled over to the pier and leaned over the side of the boat trying to unhook my hook. Then it started raining. Big Dave was not one to enjoy the shitty part of nature. He eventually got it unhooked and we went back to shore...him swearing the entire way. During this same camping trip, when my brother and I drove into the campground, there stood our dad and two uncles at the RV one of my uncles rented. They were emptying the chemical toilet. There stood 3 idiots, drinking beer, yelling "shitter's full!" at my brother and me.
As much as I miss him, I will always be glad he was my daddy. There were good times and there were bad times, but he was my dad and I was his baby girl, his Babbs. For all of you whose fathers are still around, be grateful. Hug them tighter on Father's Day. Tell him how much you love him and that you're glad he's your dad. For those of you that have lost your fathers, whether to death, illness, mental illness, addiction or whatever the reason may be, be grateful for him, even if you think it wasn't good. His involvement, or lack thereof, in your life is the reason you are who you are and if you're reading this, you're one of my friends and last I checked, you're amazing because I've been lucky to have awesome people supporting me. For all of you that are fathers, hug your kids a little tighter. Think about the father you want to be. Think about the father you should be. Are you living up to that standard? If not, time to do what you need to do. Help them, but don't enable. Love them, but don't smother them. Teach them, but don't do it for them. Be their rock, whether they need it or not. Show your kids what a real man is and teach them what you want them to be.
Happy Father's Day
Love,
Dave's baby girl
I miss him. I miss him everyday. He lived 100 miles away, but I miss him more now than I ever did. It's so permanent. The only way he lives on now is in my memories.
My dad and I had a way about us. We could talk about things one minute and be screaming mad the next. When we got mad, we knew how to push each other's buttons and usually did. But I know, if I ever needed something, not wanted, but NEEDED something, I could count on him. I remember when he was at my house a few years ago and said he had a conversation with my grandpa regarding a family situation. My grandpa said "If Dana called you and said she needed help, wouldn't you help her?" My dad's response was (paraphrasing) "yes, because I know if Dana ever called and asked for help it was because she truly needed it, but Dana doesn't need my help. She has been taking care of herself for a long time and would only ask if she had tried every other way." I knew it was his way of telling me he was proud of me for being strong, independent and not taking advantage of others. He didn't have to say it.
The details surrounding my dad's death still haunt me. (see New Life if you aren't familiar). I have a hard time with milestone days: his birthday, my birthday (the day he and my grandpa died), Father's Day, Christmas. With every passing year, I pray for understanding and acceptance that he's gone. I still want to call him. I still want his advice. And now that his wife is gone, I feel like I've lost the one person in this world who kept his memory alive the most. She loved him so much and was so strong the past year and a half.
I know it's natural to wish someone who is gone was still here, but it is tenfold for me. With all of the changes this past year (divorce, moving, financial problems related to the divorce, kidney stones, etc), I wish he was here to help me, but he wasn't. I had to rely on myself, my friends, what little family I have left and most importantly, God. Maybe the lesson in all of this was to teach me that I am in control of nothing and I need to learn how to let go and let God. That's great, tell that to the control freak who tries to keep everything from falling apart to avoid the chaos, conflict and complications. Guess what? I have control over NOTHING. I can't control what happened. I can't control my situation. These things have happened and are happening and I can't stop it. I can't make my ex-husband do what he said he was going to do. I couldn't make the problems in our marriage go away. I can't stop my financial situation. I couldn't stop my dad from dying. I couldn't stop Mary from dying. I couldn't control the day my grandpa died or the day my dad died. I have to throw my hands in the air and pray for peace, guidance and understanding. What's that saying? The night is darkest before the dawn. Well, dawn better be pretty darn bright considering how dark it's been.
At this point, all I can do is look back and be thankful for all the things my dad did. He was my dad. He made me a birthday cake one year. HE made me a birthday cake. It was a 2 layer chocolate cake. He frosted it and wrote on the top in white icing "Happy Birthday Dana", but that wasn't enough. That wasn't my dad. On the side of the cake, he wrote "Babbs", his nickname for me. He later bought me a shirt that said "Babb's shirt". Here's me with it the Christmas after he died (only 11 days after) with Grams. We all wore camo in his honor.
He taught me to fish. Even the last time I went fishing with him (which was probably 10 years ago), he still baited my line. Why? Because he knew how much I DESPISED touching worms and putting them on a hook. He fixed my 1985 Dodge Daytona exhaust more times that I could count (sorry for those of you that had to experience that car). He also taught me how to pull off a good practical joke.
I'll never forget the time we went fishing (I think I was about 20-21 at the time), just me and him. We were out in the boat and I was casting my line and kept getting hooked on rocks. He was already getting irritated with me. He told me to cast near this pier. Well, I did...ON the pier. My treble hook got caught in between the boards of the deck of the pier. He was not about to cut a line so pissing and moaning, he trolled over to the pier and leaned over the side of the boat trying to unhook my hook. Then it started raining. Big Dave was not one to enjoy the shitty part of nature. He eventually got it unhooked and we went back to shore...him swearing the entire way. During this same camping trip, when my brother and I drove into the campground, there stood our dad and two uncles at the RV one of my uncles rented. They were emptying the chemical toilet. There stood 3 idiots, drinking beer, yelling "shitter's full!" at my brother and me.
As much as I miss him, I will always be glad he was my daddy. There were good times and there were bad times, but he was my dad and I was his baby girl, his Babbs. For all of you whose fathers are still around, be grateful. Hug them tighter on Father's Day. Tell him how much you love him and that you're glad he's your dad. For those of you that have lost your fathers, whether to death, illness, mental illness, addiction or whatever the reason may be, be grateful for him, even if you think it wasn't good. His involvement, or lack thereof, in your life is the reason you are who you are and if you're reading this, you're one of my friends and last I checked, you're amazing because I've been lucky to have awesome people supporting me. For all of you that are fathers, hug your kids a little tighter. Think about the father you want to be. Think about the father you should be. Are you living up to that standard? If not, time to do what you need to do. Help them, but don't enable. Love them, but don't smother them. Teach them, but don't do it for them. Be their rock, whether they need it or not. Show your kids what a real man is and teach them what you want them to be.
Happy Father's Day
Love,
Dave's baby girl
Friday, March 7, 2014
An Open Letter to Mary
I debated on putting something so open and heartfelt on my public blog, but I realized this is not the kind of thing I want to keep private. I feel if I kept this private, everyone wouldn't get a chance to know the glue that has held our family together. They wouldn't understand the immense loss we are all facing and they couldn't comprehend the grief we are living with.
This letter is to Mary, my stepmom, the love of my dad's life, mother of 3, stepmother of 2, mother in law to 3, grandmother to 2, sister, daughter and friend of many.
I feel like I have so much to say and so little time to say it. When did the time get so small? 15 years ago you came into my life. It was 15 years I didn't appreciate you enough. I didn't let you in. I didn't want to let you get close. I was afraid of what it would be like to have a mother figure because of the turmoil I went through. It wasn't personal. It was my own defenses going up because that was all I knew. I wish I would have grown closer to you. I wish I wouldn't have let this time be wasted.
I can't live in regrets though. I have to be thankful. I could have gone my entire life without knowing you and that would have been the real tragedy. Who would have been there for me after my dad died? Who could have understood better than you? You didn't care about the past. You didn't judge me for who I was. You didn't treat me like the brat I used to be. You treated me like a mother would treat her daughter. You hugged me, listened to me, gave me advice, cried with me, laughed with me and most importantly, loved me.
I don't think people know how much you will be missed. Those of us in your family know. There will be a void that can never be filled. The day we found out about your illness, a part of our hearts became permanently vacant. It can never be filled again because the tenant could never be replaced. I hate that your kids have to feel an ounce of this. They love you so much.
You have loved everyone so freely and so openly. When someone needed a hand, you stepped up and helped in any way you could. You took care of Grandma after Grandpa died. You didn't have to. You did it because you loved her and cared about her. The appreciation the two of you had for each other was admirable. That can never be replicated or replaced.
You set a great example of unconditional love. You loved all of us wholeheartedly. You always wanted holidays to be a good memory. You always wanted us to be happy. And even when we weren't, you didn't hold a grudge if we took it out on you. You just loved us. Life was a celebration to you. I can honestly say I didn't appreciate it enough. I didn't celebrate it enough. I didn't take advantage of it enough. The good thing is that I know this now and there is time to change.
The past year and 2 1/2 months have brought us closer. I am eternally grateful for that. It's also why this pain is so overwhelming. You never made me feel like I was a burden. You understood my grief and my pain. You didn't diminish it or try to minimize it. You grieved with me. With all of us.
I'm sorry for all the times I was a snot nosed brat. I guess that would translate into "red headed stepchild" (sometimes literally depending on the color choice). I'm sorry for not letting you in. I'm sorry for not letting you love me more. I'm sorry for wasting all the time we had. I'm sorry for the regrets. I'm sorry for the heartache. I'm sorry for not being able to be there everyday (you'd get sick of me anyway). I'm sorry all of this is happening to you.
I don't understand God's plan in all of this. I don't understand God's plan in my life the past few years. Things have been so hard. You've been there for me every step of the way. I don't know how we will get through this. I pray God will protect us and get us through this. I pray you have peace in this transition.
I love you. I'm sorry for not showing you more. I'm sorry for not saying it more. I don't know any other way to tell you how much you've meant to me, especially since Dad died. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being there.
If there is any comfort in all of this, it's that we had the chance to say the things that needed to be said. We had the chance to tell each other how much we love each other. We had the chance to be together. To enjoy our time together while we still had it.
Soon, your journey will end and we will have to find a way to go on. It will not be easy. How do you keep your house stable when the foundation is gone? In the end, these are the things that give me comfort...God is preparing an amazing place in heaven for you. One deserving of an amazing woman who has given so much to so many. He will wrap you in His loving embrace. There will be no more pain. There will be no more cancer. There will be no more sickness. But I know what there will be...waiting for you, with open arms, will be the love of your life ready to wrap his arms around his amazing wife.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love you,
Dana
This letter is to Mary, my stepmom, the love of my dad's life, mother of 3, stepmother of 2, mother in law to 3, grandmother to 2, sister, daughter and friend of many.
I feel like I have so much to say and so little time to say it. When did the time get so small? 15 years ago you came into my life. It was 15 years I didn't appreciate you enough. I didn't let you in. I didn't want to let you get close. I was afraid of what it would be like to have a mother figure because of the turmoil I went through. It wasn't personal. It was my own defenses going up because that was all I knew. I wish I would have grown closer to you. I wish I wouldn't have let this time be wasted.
I can't live in regrets though. I have to be thankful. I could have gone my entire life without knowing you and that would have been the real tragedy. Who would have been there for me after my dad died? Who could have understood better than you? You didn't care about the past. You didn't judge me for who I was. You didn't treat me like the brat I used to be. You treated me like a mother would treat her daughter. You hugged me, listened to me, gave me advice, cried with me, laughed with me and most importantly, loved me.
I don't think people know how much you will be missed. Those of us in your family know. There will be a void that can never be filled. The day we found out about your illness, a part of our hearts became permanently vacant. It can never be filled again because the tenant could never be replaced. I hate that your kids have to feel an ounce of this. They love you so much.
You have loved everyone so freely and so openly. When someone needed a hand, you stepped up and helped in any way you could. You took care of Grandma after Grandpa died. You didn't have to. You did it because you loved her and cared about her. The appreciation the two of you had for each other was admirable. That can never be replicated or replaced.
You set a great example of unconditional love. You loved all of us wholeheartedly. You always wanted holidays to be a good memory. You always wanted us to be happy. And even when we weren't, you didn't hold a grudge if we took it out on you. You just loved us. Life was a celebration to you. I can honestly say I didn't appreciate it enough. I didn't celebrate it enough. I didn't take advantage of it enough. The good thing is that I know this now and there is time to change.
The past year and 2 1/2 months have brought us closer. I am eternally grateful for that. It's also why this pain is so overwhelming. You never made me feel like I was a burden. You understood my grief and my pain. You didn't diminish it or try to minimize it. You grieved with me. With all of us.
I'm sorry for all the times I was a snot nosed brat. I guess that would translate into "red headed stepchild" (sometimes literally depending on the color choice). I'm sorry for not letting you in. I'm sorry for not letting you love me more. I'm sorry for wasting all the time we had. I'm sorry for the regrets. I'm sorry for the heartache. I'm sorry for not being able to be there everyday (you'd get sick of me anyway). I'm sorry all of this is happening to you.
I don't understand God's plan in all of this. I don't understand God's plan in my life the past few years. Things have been so hard. You've been there for me every step of the way. I don't know how we will get through this. I pray God will protect us and get us through this. I pray you have peace in this transition.
I love you. I'm sorry for not showing you more. I'm sorry for not saying it more. I don't know any other way to tell you how much you've meant to me, especially since Dad died. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being there.
If there is any comfort in all of this, it's that we had the chance to say the things that needed to be said. We had the chance to tell each other how much we love each other. We had the chance to be together. To enjoy our time together while we still had it.
Soon, your journey will end and we will have to find a way to go on. It will not be easy. How do you keep your house stable when the foundation is gone? In the end, these are the things that give me comfort...God is preparing an amazing place in heaven for you. One deserving of an amazing woman who has given so much to so many. He will wrap you in His loving embrace. There will be no more pain. There will be no more cancer. There will be no more sickness. But I know what there will be...waiting for you, with open arms, will be the love of your life ready to wrap his arms around his amazing wife.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love you,
Dana
Friday, January 31, 2014
I don't have to be dramatic ALL the time!
The purpose of this blog isn't to get all of my feelings out all the time. I don't want it to be dramatic all the time (hence my post about red velvet cake. LOL). I also want to use this blog as a place to share information, wisdom, recipes and whatever else comes to my demented mind.
So today is gonna be about food. Because I love food. I'm not a foodie, but I do love trying new recipes and concocting masterpieces in my kitchen. It's no secret, I love, love, LOVE Taste of Home. If you're not familiar, it is a magazine/website for food and recipes. The best part? All of the recipes are reader submitted. I have found TONS of amazing recipes on the site. I pay for an electronic subscription (about $12/year) and download it on my iPad, but it also gives you unlimited access to their website to all of the recipes. Most of them are free, but some of them are subscriber only recipes. So here are some of my favorites, no particular order (with my modifications noted):
Baked Barbecue Beef (sloppy joes)
Pumpkin Pie Dip (goes great with Nilla wafers too)
Refrigerator Dill Pickles
Apple Kielbasa Kabobs
Antipasto Kabobs
Baked Chimichangas (I don't always put the sauce on these. They are pretty good without it.)
Beef Broccoli Stir Fry
Beef Stuffed Zucchini (I typically do not make these in the microwave. I bake them at about 375 for a half hour. I have also done them on the grill and they turned out great!)
Chicken with Florentine sauce
Chili Cheese Dog Casserole (I had to use a little more cornbread than the recipe asked for. I have made this with turkey hot dogs and beef dogs before. Both turned out great)
Chocolate Caramel Candy (tastes like Snickers)
Chocolate Chip Dip (also goes great with Nilla wafers. Typically I can't find graham cracker sticks so I used Honey Maid Scooby Snacks, Honey)
Golden Chicken Nuggets
Honey Garlic Meatballs
Peanut Butter Brownie Bars
Rustic Nut Bars (I usually end up buying a few cans of the Planters Nut-rition with the pistachios in it)
Salisbury Steak with Gravy (I will double the recipe and put them in a 13x9 baking pan. They take a little longer to cook and I will flip them after about a hour. I usually add fresh mushrooms and will cut up an onion into wedges. I put this over the meat and then cover with the gravy mixture.)
Traditional Lasagna
Zucchini Pizza Casserole (I love this recipe. You can add anything you want to it. I usually top with pepperoni and mushrooms too)
Please let me know if you try these and what you think! I'd like to post stuff like this every once in a while and would love your suggestions too!
Dana
So today is gonna be about food. Because I love food. I'm not a foodie, but I do love trying new recipes and concocting masterpieces in my kitchen. It's no secret, I love, love, LOVE Taste of Home. If you're not familiar, it is a magazine/website for food and recipes. The best part? All of the recipes are reader submitted. I have found TONS of amazing recipes on the site. I pay for an electronic subscription (about $12/year) and download it on my iPad, but it also gives you unlimited access to their website to all of the recipes. Most of them are free, but some of them are subscriber only recipes. So here are some of my favorites, no particular order (with my modifications noted):
Baked Barbecue Beef (sloppy joes)
Pumpkin Pie Dip (goes great with Nilla wafers too)
Refrigerator Dill Pickles
Apple Kielbasa Kabobs
Antipasto Kabobs
Baked Chimichangas (I don't always put the sauce on these. They are pretty good without it.)
Beef Broccoli Stir Fry
Beef Stuffed Zucchini (I typically do not make these in the microwave. I bake them at about 375 for a half hour. I have also done them on the grill and they turned out great!)
Chicken with Florentine sauce
Chili Cheese Dog Casserole (I had to use a little more cornbread than the recipe asked for. I have made this with turkey hot dogs and beef dogs before. Both turned out great)
Chocolate Caramel Candy (tastes like Snickers)
Chocolate Chip Dip (also goes great with Nilla wafers. Typically I can't find graham cracker sticks so I used Honey Maid Scooby Snacks, Honey)
Golden Chicken Nuggets
Honey Garlic Meatballs
Peanut Butter Brownie Bars
Rustic Nut Bars (I usually end up buying a few cans of the Planters Nut-rition with the pistachios in it)
Salisbury Steak with Gravy (I will double the recipe and put them in a 13x9 baking pan. They take a little longer to cook and I will flip them after about a hour. I usually add fresh mushrooms and will cut up an onion into wedges. I put this over the meat and then cover with the gravy mixture.)
Traditional Lasagna
Zucchini Pizza Casserole (I love this recipe. You can add anything you want to it. I usually top with pepperoni and mushrooms too)
Please let me know if you try these and what you think! I'd like to post stuff like this every once in a while and would love your suggestions too!
Dana
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Fighting the Urge to be...well...Me!
Throughout our lives, we go through many changes and transformations. Sometimes it's a new haircut or losing weight and sometimes it's from the inside out. Some of those changes are forced and some of them are our choice. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. Recognizing the changes you need to make is sometimes the easiest part. Following through on those changes is the challenge.
Having your normal changed for you is sometimes much easier than changing it for yourself. For instance, when my dad died, my normal changed. My new normal was a world that he wasn't a physical part of anymore. I had no say in this normal. I had no way of changing it. I had no control over it at all. It was learning, day by day, to live my life without this person in it. It was being forced to come to terms with the unfinished business that was leftover when he was gone. It was being forced everyday to emotionally survive (some days being harder than others). I had to go on without him because I had no other choice. Now granted, I did have choices along the way, but the drastic life changing force behind all of it was completely out of my control.
Changing your own normal is much more difficult. In the months that passed following my dad's death, it became more apparent that my marriage was not going to survive. I was in survival mode for a long time. I didn't have contentment. I didn't have security. I didn't have happiness. But even without these things, I fought for my marriage. I kept telling myself I couldn't go through all of this trauma and drama in 1 year. In 12 months, my world had turned upside down and completely changed and I fought it, but in the end, I made the decision. Sometimes it's easier to have the decision made for you because then if it doesn't work out, it's easy to blame someone else. I took a leap of faith and decided it didn't matter if I fell flat on my face. I needed to try something different. As we all know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I was ready to stop running on the hamster wheel of dysfunction.
In the months following the separation and eventual divorce, I started to feel alive again. I started feeling myself come back. I started feeling happy, joyful, fun, free, and new. But at the same time, I struggled with loneliness, abandonment and anxiety. These old foes I had long suppressed were back. Some of them never left, but now that I was alone, they were bigger than ever. 9 years of living with someone and then suddenly being alone is a very big transition.
I know it will take time, but I also know I am not alone. Part of the reason I am so open with my feelings on this blog is so everyone reading knows they are NOT the only person who has had these feelings. It's also to get feedback and affirmation that I am not alone when feeling like this. We are not made to go through life alone and when we trick ourselves into thinking we should, we isolate and put ourselves deeper into depression, anxiety and dysfunction. I have tried to be an open book. I have tried to let people in because if I don't, I will end up spending days on end in bed with no contact and sink deeper and deeper. THAT is not normal. THAT is not ok. But it is MY tendency and that is what I want to change.
I have always been the independent type. I taught myself a long time ago that I shouldn't expect someone to know how I feel unless I've told them. I can't be mad at someone for not knowing my innermost feelings if I haven't expressed them. I have also been the type to go out and get what I want. For instance, at Christmas, my stepmom wanted to know what I wanted. Par for the course, I couldn't figure out what I wanted because anytime I wanted something, I just went and got it without thinking "hey, maybe I can ask for this for christmas". Sometimes I do this to the point that I miss out on things because I didn't wait. I miss out on the joy of receiving a gift someone wants to give me with love. I miss out on feeling that there is someone out there that wants to make me happy. I miss the chance to connect with others emotionally because I'm too independent and want to do it myself.
On the flip side, I also miss out on the things I desire. I want to be loved. Plain and simple. Don't we all? When I am doing everything for myself, there isn't room to let someone else do it for me out of love. At the same time, it is my tendency to force things. It's my tendency to chase, but it's my desire to be chased. I am doing the exact opposite to get the outcome I want. It's not that I think a bunch of guys should be swooning over me or anything, but I think I don't give them a chance to chase. I know this sounds kinda dumb, but I assure you, it's not a game.
I spent the last few years doing everything. It became normal to not have anything done for me. I did the shopping and would buy little things here and there, but I started realizing it was never done in return. I knew his likes, but he didn't know mine. I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel desired. I felt (and still feel) like I wasn't good enough to be on the receiving end of the good things. I realize he could have stepped up, but sometimes when you are with someone who has a strong personality like I do, it's intimidating and very hard. I wasn't making things easy by doing everything and being so independent.
So where am I going with all of this? I need to change my urge to be me. I need to stop doing things the Dana way and start doing things the healthier way. I would love, LOVE to date right now. I miss the companionship. But is it the right thing for me right now? Probably not. The opportunity has been there, but I realize that the second any interest is shown, I'm the one doing all the work. I'm the one making first contact. I'm the one suggesting plans. I'm the one asking. And I realize, I'm not the one being chased. I'm not the one feeling good about myself because someone wants to spend time with me. I am the one feeling the rejection. I am the one feeling worse about myself. There has to be give and take and I'm all give and no take. I NEED TO CHANGE THIS NORMAL! I need a new normal in which the person I am with puts in comparably equal effort to be a part of my life and I have done the same. So often, I think if I do more now, I will get more in return and instead, I just get drained. I need to stop forcing it and start letting someone show me I am worth it. I don't know how, but I will try. And this isn't always a romantic relationship pattern, although I think it is worse there. This is also a friendship pattern. I find myself being disappointed because I don't feel like someone wants to be my friend as much as I want to be theirs. But they have grown accustomed to the Dana that is calling them and making plans with them, not the other way around. I feel like I have fallen off their radar and they have moved on to more important things in their life and left me behind.
It meant so much to me when my friend asked me to do something last week. Out of the blue, she (you know who you are) texted me and we ended up going out for dinner. We had such a nice time catching up and talking and it filled my cup. We are so much alike sometimes we both end up being stubborn, independently bullheaded women that don't reach out when we should. She reminded me that it is ok to ask for help. It is ok to make a phone call. It is ok to be the first to call. But she also gave me the reassurance that our friendship is not a one way street and that we each bring something to this friendship that is fulfilling, energizing and special. It wasn't what she said. It was just her presence in my life and her desire to care. She reminded me that I am worth being friends with and that I am good enough. We have an easy give and take. I wish all friendships and relationships could be this easy.
I have mentioned to a few people that suggested I start dating that I am terrified. I thought at first it was just the rejection I was terrified about, but I think what really terrifies me is that I will repeat this unhealthy pattern and end up miserable again. I won't have my cup filled and will keep exerting more energy to try to make it happen instead of realizing it's not my job to make it happen. I'm having a confidence problem right now because I don't know how to trust my gut. I don't know how to believe in myself. My gut reaction right now when someone shows interest in me is "why would he want to go out with me?!" Uh...that's not ok. I understand it is hard for anyone to see this because the person they see is usually the exact opposite. From the outside, I appear confident, but this is mostly in my friendships so it's easy. At the same time, I have so many insecurities that I struggle on a daily basis. I would like the companionship, but I think I would just end up screwing it up. I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I can't be this easygoing, laid back, confident person. Maybe in time that will be the case, but I also think I need someone unbelievably patient and understanding to the struggles I am facing. And part of me thinks it's not fair to subject someone to that.
I hope I can be cognizant of these patterns and start seeing them more. I think the more I see them, the more I will be able to change them. I want to move past the mistakes I've made and the bad habits I have ingrained in my brain and start working towards healthier, more meaningful relationships. I think with all of the things I have been through in my life and especially in the last few years, I deserve nothing less than an amazing person who can look back at me and see the same in return.
Here's to my new normal, cheers!
Dana
Friday, January 17, 2014
It's time to get serious
I know most of you are used to my blog being an in depth journey into the 5% of my brain that decides to work that day, but today we're going to delve into a topic that affects a larger portion of the population and what could be considered an epidemic; the fleecing of America, one Red Velvet cake at a time.
If you have been friends with me on Facebook for a while, then you have probably seen my opinions regarding my confusion surrounding the Red Velvet cake craze. The popularity of Red Velvet cake has exploded in the past years and I have to bring logic into this discussion. This leads me to ask...
WHY IS IT RED?!
It's not deliciously cherry, raspberry, strawberry or even cranberry flavored, so what's the point? Why make it red? Red just to be red is kind of like having meetings about meetings. WHAT'S THE POINT?!
I went to my trusty recipe source, www.tasteofhome.com for a reconnoissance mission. What I discovered is startling. A search of the words "Red Velvet cake" resulted in 19 recipes. In each recipe, the ingredient to make red velvet cake red was, in fact, red food coloring...a lot of it. Even in "Grandma's Red Velvet Cake" recipe, the secret red ingredient wasn't a secret at all. It was just food coloring.
I continued my mission, which led me to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_velvet_cake. It explains that the red in Red Velvet cake originally came from an unlikely source: beet juice. Foods were rationed during the depression so bakers came up with beet juice as an alternative to color the cakes and make it more moist (I had to add that word just for my friends that can't stand it). Interesting. So the red in red velvet cake did serve a purpose! However, like most things, we've "modernized" it to make it look like it used to without it actually being what it used to be (wood veneer anyone?)
I know a lot of you may be thinking I have put way too much thought into this topic, and I assure you, I have. I am worried about the discrimination that is happening to the other variations of food coloring out there. Are we missing out? Could we have a rainbow of velvet cakes, but we've been so focused on red that we are literally seeing red through our rose colored glasses? I worry there is an entire market that remains untapped. What about, dare I say it, Blue Velvet cake?! I almost feel like Ted in "There's Something About Mary" when he dashes the hopes of the entrepreneurial hitchhiker turned murderer by suggesting someone may come out with 6 Minute Abs. I know you all want tell me to step into your office cuz I'm effing fired, but hear me out! Let's give the green, blue and yellow a chance!
So my baker friends, find your favorite Red Velvet cake recipe that doesn't require a cake mix, try a different color and report back. What does it look like? What happened? Can we diversify our portfolio of colored cakes or must we discriminate with only red?
Thank you for taking the time to think about this troubling topic. Alternate food colorings everywhere thank you. The More You Know...
The Dana
If you have been friends with me on Facebook for a while, then you have probably seen my opinions regarding my confusion surrounding the Red Velvet cake craze. The popularity of Red Velvet cake has exploded in the past years and I have to bring logic into this discussion. This leads me to ask...
WHY IS IT RED?!
It's not deliciously cherry, raspberry, strawberry or even cranberry flavored, so what's the point? Why make it red? Red just to be red is kind of like having meetings about meetings. WHAT'S THE POINT?!
I went to my trusty recipe source, www.tasteofhome.com for a reconnoissance mission. What I discovered is startling. A search of the words "Red Velvet cake" resulted in 19 recipes. In each recipe, the ingredient to make red velvet cake red was, in fact, red food coloring...a lot of it. Even in "Grandma's Red Velvet Cake" recipe, the secret red ingredient wasn't a secret at all. It was just food coloring.
I continued my mission, which led me to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_velvet_cake. It explains that the red in Red Velvet cake originally came from an unlikely source: beet juice. Foods were rationed during the depression so bakers came up with beet juice as an alternative to color the cakes and make it more moist (I had to add that word just for my friends that can't stand it). Interesting. So the red in red velvet cake did serve a purpose! However, like most things, we've "modernized" it to make it look like it used to without it actually being what it used to be (wood veneer anyone?)
I know a lot of you may be thinking I have put way too much thought into this topic, and I assure you, I have. I am worried about the discrimination that is happening to the other variations of food coloring out there. Are we missing out? Could we have a rainbow of velvet cakes, but we've been so focused on red that we are literally seeing red through our rose colored glasses? I worry there is an entire market that remains untapped. What about, dare I say it, Blue Velvet cake?! I almost feel like Ted in "There's Something About Mary" when he dashes the hopes of the entrepreneurial hitchhiker turned murderer by suggesting someone may come out with 6 Minute Abs. I know you all want tell me to step into your office cuz I'm effing fired, but hear me out! Let's give the green, blue and yellow a chance!
So my baker friends, find your favorite Red Velvet cake recipe that doesn't require a cake mix, try a different color and report back. What does it look like? What happened? Can we diversify our portfolio of colored cakes or must we discriminate with only red?
Thank you for taking the time to think about this troubling topic. Alternate food colorings everywhere thank you. The More You Know...
The Dana
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Never waste the pain
Sometimes I have those days where I don't know why I do something, but God reveals to me later His plan. Today was one of those days.
I went out last night and stayed up a little too late. I didn't wake up until 9:30am. Normally I am at church at 9:30am. I decided to get out of bed, make pretty and go to the late service. I could have easily stayed in bed, loafed around and not gone, but I had that feeling I should go. I'm glad I did. Jill Briscoe was doing the sermon this morning. I like hearing her speak. She is usually down to earth, easy to understand with a good mix of humor. She has a way of taking everyday things and making biblical sense of it.
This morning she was talking about looking back at our past can help us understand our present and future. Toward the end of the sermon (if you want to watch it, it will be available at www.elmbrook.org on Monday afternoon) she was talking about an author who spoke of a farmer pounding nails into his apple tree to get it to produce fruit. The following year, the apple tree produced some of the best fruit it had. It had started to become dormant and complacent and the nails remind the tree it was a tree and it's job was to produce fruit. It jolted the tree to be productive. Jill was talking about difficult news she had received and how her friend reminded her to not waste the pain. Use the pain to bear fruit.
So often in our lives, God pounds nails in our trunk. He tries to remind us what our purpose is and tries to get us to bear quality fruit. He doesn't want us to waste our pain. He wants us to use our pain to help others, work harder, produce better fruit.
It's no secret the past year or so has been the most painful of my life. For so long, I tried to understand it, make sense of it, dissect it, digest it, but I still couldn't grasp it. I was in the middle of the pain and couldn't use it. My nails weren't done being pounded in my trunk and I needed to take the time to heal and grow before I could produce better fruit. So often we try to rush through our pain because we think we can't handle it. We try to avoid it because it's pain. Who wants pain right? We get to the point where we can't handle the unavoidable pain because we never took the time to learn how to deal with it when it wasn't overwhelming.
Now that I'm moving past the pain, I realize I don't want to waste it. I realize I have something to offer and I wouldn't have that had I not gone through the pain. For instance, my friend's dad recently passed away. He had been battling cancer and found out he was running out of options. My friend was telling me about the options and was feeling discouraged. I shared with him how my dad had passed and the lack of options we were faced with. He hoped to have more time with his dad, but unfortunately, he left this earth in the middle of his latest treatment.
In the past, I wouldn't have understood my friend's pain. I wouldn't have been able to give him kind, compassionate comfort and advice. I wouldn't have been able to give him the perspective I gained by going through the pain. I feel compelled to reach out to him. I feel obligated to be available to him. I feel honored that God equipped me with the tools to help. Since my grief is still fresh, I know what gave me comfort. I know what made me feel better. I know what made me feel worse. I know how hard it was to make the phone calls to friends for help. I know I felt like a burden. I know my grief was overwhelming. I know people who hadn't gone through it didn't understand and didn't know how to ease my pain. Here I am, knowing what it feels like to lose a parent. Knowing what it feels like to lose a parent unexpectedly to cancer. Knowing what it feels like to be at odds with my surviving parent. Knowing the guilt, pain, failure, doubt, and uncertainty. But here I am, knowing what it feels like to work through it. Knowing was it feels like to resolve the pain. Knowing what it feels like to get past the difficult feelings. Knowing what it feel like to heal. My pain was not wasted and it is not in vain.
At the same time, I am also 2 days post divorce. I thought this process would be more difficult for me. I thought I would be sad, but I'm not. I am relieved. I feel alive. I feel like I've been given a second chance at happiness. The chains that were holding me back from being true to myself are gone. I am starting to be myself again. I am starting to find the happiness I had once lost. But I also don't want to waste that pain. I know there is a plan, but I don't know what it is. There will come a day where my divorce, and all the struggles that caused it, will be used to comfort someone else. My pain will be used to help someone else going through a similar situation. It will not be wasted. It will not be in vain. I hate that anyone has to feel an ounce of the pain I have been through recently, but I know it is part of life and the other part of it is reaching out to those who are in pain and helping them through it because they would do the same for me. There have been so many amazing friends and family that have reached out to me to give me comfort because they know the pain. They have been through a divorce. They have been through divorce for the same reasons I was going through one. They know how hard it is to adjust to single life again. And they've been there for me. We aren't meant to go through difficult situations alone and if we didn't have go through it ourselves, we wouldn't have the training to help others through similar challenges.
I know I'm not done working through my pain, but I know I've been through enough to understand how I can be there for others struggling through their own pain. I know God's training has brought me to this point. I know the people God has put in my life to keep me from falling. I know I'm not going through this alone. I know I'm growing into a stronger, better Dana. I know my new normal is nothing like the normal I had a year ago. I ran into a friend of mine at church today. She was in my first bible study and we had to interview each other and tell the group about the other person. I said "we're not even the same people we were 2 1/2 years ago. Look at how much we have changed!" We have come a long way.
Never waste your pain. Live in it. Go through it. Don't avoid it. Understand it. Feel it. And when the time is right, let it be your guide.
Dana
I went out last night and stayed up a little too late. I didn't wake up until 9:30am. Normally I am at church at 9:30am. I decided to get out of bed, make pretty and go to the late service. I could have easily stayed in bed, loafed around and not gone, but I had that feeling I should go. I'm glad I did. Jill Briscoe was doing the sermon this morning. I like hearing her speak. She is usually down to earth, easy to understand with a good mix of humor. She has a way of taking everyday things and making biblical sense of it.
This morning she was talking about looking back at our past can help us understand our present and future. Toward the end of the sermon (if you want to watch it, it will be available at www.elmbrook.org on Monday afternoon) she was talking about an author who spoke of a farmer pounding nails into his apple tree to get it to produce fruit. The following year, the apple tree produced some of the best fruit it had. It had started to become dormant and complacent and the nails remind the tree it was a tree and it's job was to produce fruit. It jolted the tree to be productive. Jill was talking about difficult news she had received and how her friend reminded her to not waste the pain. Use the pain to bear fruit.
So often in our lives, God pounds nails in our trunk. He tries to remind us what our purpose is and tries to get us to bear quality fruit. He doesn't want us to waste our pain. He wants us to use our pain to help others, work harder, produce better fruit.
It's no secret the past year or so has been the most painful of my life. For so long, I tried to understand it, make sense of it, dissect it, digest it, but I still couldn't grasp it. I was in the middle of the pain and couldn't use it. My nails weren't done being pounded in my trunk and I needed to take the time to heal and grow before I could produce better fruit. So often we try to rush through our pain because we think we can't handle it. We try to avoid it because it's pain. Who wants pain right? We get to the point where we can't handle the unavoidable pain because we never took the time to learn how to deal with it when it wasn't overwhelming.
Now that I'm moving past the pain, I realize I don't want to waste it. I realize I have something to offer and I wouldn't have that had I not gone through the pain. For instance, my friend's dad recently passed away. He had been battling cancer and found out he was running out of options. My friend was telling me about the options and was feeling discouraged. I shared with him how my dad had passed and the lack of options we were faced with. He hoped to have more time with his dad, but unfortunately, he left this earth in the middle of his latest treatment.
In the past, I wouldn't have understood my friend's pain. I wouldn't have been able to give him kind, compassionate comfort and advice. I wouldn't have been able to give him the perspective I gained by going through the pain. I feel compelled to reach out to him. I feel obligated to be available to him. I feel honored that God equipped me with the tools to help. Since my grief is still fresh, I know what gave me comfort. I know what made me feel better. I know what made me feel worse. I know how hard it was to make the phone calls to friends for help. I know I felt like a burden. I know my grief was overwhelming. I know people who hadn't gone through it didn't understand and didn't know how to ease my pain. Here I am, knowing what it feels like to lose a parent. Knowing what it feels like to lose a parent unexpectedly to cancer. Knowing what it feels like to be at odds with my surviving parent. Knowing the guilt, pain, failure, doubt, and uncertainty. But here I am, knowing what it feels like to work through it. Knowing was it feels like to resolve the pain. Knowing what it feels like to get past the difficult feelings. Knowing what it feel like to heal. My pain was not wasted and it is not in vain.
At the same time, I am also 2 days post divorce. I thought this process would be more difficult for me. I thought I would be sad, but I'm not. I am relieved. I feel alive. I feel like I've been given a second chance at happiness. The chains that were holding me back from being true to myself are gone. I am starting to be myself again. I am starting to find the happiness I had once lost. But I also don't want to waste that pain. I know there is a plan, but I don't know what it is. There will come a day where my divorce, and all the struggles that caused it, will be used to comfort someone else. My pain will be used to help someone else going through a similar situation. It will not be wasted. It will not be in vain. I hate that anyone has to feel an ounce of the pain I have been through recently, but I know it is part of life and the other part of it is reaching out to those who are in pain and helping them through it because they would do the same for me. There have been so many amazing friends and family that have reached out to me to give me comfort because they know the pain. They have been through a divorce. They have been through divorce for the same reasons I was going through one. They know how hard it is to adjust to single life again. And they've been there for me. We aren't meant to go through difficult situations alone and if we didn't have go through it ourselves, we wouldn't have the training to help others through similar challenges.
I know I'm not done working through my pain, but I know I've been through enough to understand how I can be there for others struggling through their own pain. I know God's training has brought me to this point. I know the people God has put in my life to keep me from falling. I know I'm not going through this alone. I know I'm growing into a stronger, better Dana. I know my new normal is nothing like the normal I had a year ago. I ran into a friend of mine at church today. She was in my first bible study and we had to interview each other and tell the group about the other person. I said "we're not even the same people we were 2 1/2 years ago. Look at how much we have changed!" We have come a long way.
Never waste your pain. Live in it. Go through it. Don't avoid it. Understand it. Feel it. And when the time is right, let it be your guide.
Dana
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Lonely or Independent?
I have been processing lately. Processing my situation. Processing my past, present and future. Processing, processing, processing...does not compute.
One of the things that I'm struggling with is being alone. I haven't lived by myself in 9 1/2 years. I've decided to blog about this since I keep having all these thoughts about it. I struggle. "OMG my phone hasn't rang in 2 days. Nobody loves me!" I've always had this self esteem problem for reasons I won't get into in this post. Please people. Let's focus on one pile of baggage at a time. Otherwise I won't have anything to blog about in the future, but I digress...
So I've been feeling lonely lately. It's been bugging me. Maybe it's just the winter blahs. Maybe it has to do with so much change. Maybe it's just PMS. Maybe it's just gas. Who knows? I've started to try to focus on the positives of living alone again. It's helping me, little bit by little bit. So let's just look at the list...
Bad Stuff first...
1. If a rapist or murderer comes in my house, all I have his my impeccable singing skills and an overly friendly dog to distract him before I whip out a can of whoop ass and go to town.
2. It's hard to cook for 1 person. Heavy on the convenience foods. I love cooking...I hate heating.
3. I've discovered my dog has a never-ending amount of hair and guess who gets to clean that?
4. I have to do my own dishes.
5. I have to take out my own garbage.
6. I have to do all the heavy lifting on my own.
7. I have to pay all my own bills.
8. I have to clean up poop...inside and out. I hate poop.
But then I think...I'm lucky I'm independent enough to be able to do all of those things on my own. God graced me with the strength to be able to accomplish all of these feats. He's training me to be stronger and to do it on my own.
So the good stuff...
1. I don't have to share snuggle time with my furry beasts. I get them all to myself. (this could also be on the bad list. LOL)
2. This is forcing me to reach out to people. I have been spending more time with people I wouldn't have otherwise. I've reconnected with so many amazing friends that have been ridiculously supportive and also continued loving friendships with those who have been there the whole time.
3. The remote is mine and mine alone.
4. I can crush as much candy as I want and not be judged.
5. I have a queen bed all to myself...well...and Scooter.
6. If I want to sit around the house in my underwear all day...I can.
7. I get to decorate how I want and make this place my own. I don't have to compromise.
8. If I want to take an hour to straighten my hair, I can. It's my time and I can do what I want with it.
9. I can have anyone over, whenever I want.
I know I'm going to struggle at times because it's change and who likes change? I need to keep moving forward and looking at my new normal as an opportunity to grow into a better person. I want to be more positive. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better listener. I want to dig out the garbage that has been holding me back for years. I want to be able to look at all of these things and realize maybe God's plan was to put me through the ringer to make me stronger. Good things have to be on the horizon for me. I hope there is a day where I can be blissfully happy with myself so I can be blissfully happy with someone else. My goal isn't to be with someone. It's to be with myself and know that I am enough. I am good enough. I am pretty enough. I am nice enough. I am kind enough. And gosh darn it people like me (Thanks Stuart Smalley).
On a side note: As I sit here reading this, I'm watching the Biggest Loser. I don't get to watch it regularly anymore due to not having DVR and being gone on Tuesdays. On tonight's show, Abby from Season 8 was on. www.abbyrike.com Abby lost her husband, 5 year old daughter and 2 1/2 week old son in a car accident. I remember watching her 4 years ago and thinking "if she can do it, so can I. I've never gone through something like that. What's my problem?" It was my inspiration. It was my motivation and the focus I came back to over and over again. It is what helped me lose 53lbs. As I sit here, 4 years later, I look back on my journey and I have had adversity. I have had struggle, but it still doesn't compare to what she went through. When she was on the show tonight, one of the other contestants said "I saw you and thought 'if she can do it, so can I. What's my problem?!'" It was the exact words I uttered to myself over 4 years ago. This is exactly what I needed to hear today as I embark on a fitness challenge tomorrow. I have been needing motivation and I find it to be no coincidence that the same person who inspired me then is inspiring me again today.
With that...thanks for reading.
One of the things that I'm struggling with is being alone. I haven't lived by myself in 9 1/2 years. I've decided to blog about this since I keep having all these thoughts about it. I struggle. "OMG my phone hasn't rang in 2 days. Nobody loves me!" I've always had this self esteem problem for reasons I won't get into in this post. Please people. Let's focus on one pile of baggage at a time. Otherwise I won't have anything to blog about in the future, but I digress...
So I've been feeling lonely lately. It's been bugging me. Maybe it's just the winter blahs. Maybe it has to do with so much change. Maybe it's just PMS. Maybe it's just gas. Who knows? I've started to try to focus on the positives of living alone again. It's helping me, little bit by little bit. So let's just look at the list...
Bad Stuff first...
1. If a rapist or murderer comes in my house, all I have his my impeccable singing skills and an overly friendly dog to distract him before I whip out a can of whoop ass and go to town.
2. It's hard to cook for 1 person. Heavy on the convenience foods. I love cooking...I hate heating.
3. I've discovered my dog has a never-ending amount of hair and guess who gets to clean that?
4. I have to do my own dishes.
5. I have to take out my own garbage.
6. I have to do all the heavy lifting on my own.
7. I have to pay all my own bills.
8. I have to clean up poop...inside and out. I hate poop.
But then I think...I'm lucky I'm independent enough to be able to do all of those things on my own. God graced me with the strength to be able to accomplish all of these feats. He's training me to be stronger and to do it on my own.
So the good stuff...
1. I don't have to share snuggle time with my furry beasts. I get them all to myself. (this could also be on the bad list. LOL)
2. This is forcing me to reach out to people. I have been spending more time with people I wouldn't have otherwise. I've reconnected with so many amazing friends that have been ridiculously supportive and also continued loving friendships with those who have been there the whole time.
3. The remote is mine and mine alone.
4. I can crush as much candy as I want and not be judged.
5. I have a queen bed all to myself...well...and Scooter.
6. If I want to sit around the house in my underwear all day...I can.
7. I get to decorate how I want and make this place my own. I don't have to compromise.
8. If I want to take an hour to straighten my hair, I can. It's my time and I can do what I want with it.
9. I can have anyone over, whenever I want.
I know I'm going to struggle at times because it's change and who likes change? I need to keep moving forward and looking at my new normal as an opportunity to grow into a better person. I want to be more positive. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better listener. I want to dig out the garbage that has been holding me back for years. I want to be able to look at all of these things and realize maybe God's plan was to put me through the ringer to make me stronger. Good things have to be on the horizon for me. I hope there is a day where I can be blissfully happy with myself so I can be blissfully happy with someone else. My goal isn't to be with someone. It's to be with myself and know that I am enough. I am good enough. I am pretty enough. I am nice enough. I am kind enough. And gosh darn it people like me (Thanks Stuart Smalley).
On a side note: As I sit here reading this, I'm watching the Biggest Loser. I don't get to watch it regularly anymore due to not having DVR and being gone on Tuesdays. On tonight's show, Abby from Season 8 was on. www.abbyrike.com Abby lost her husband, 5 year old daughter and 2 1/2 week old son in a car accident. I remember watching her 4 years ago and thinking "if she can do it, so can I. I've never gone through something like that. What's my problem?" It was my inspiration. It was my motivation and the focus I came back to over and over again. It is what helped me lose 53lbs. As I sit here, 4 years later, I look back on my journey and I have had adversity. I have had struggle, but it still doesn't compare to what she went through. When she was on the show tonight, one of the other contestants said "I saw you and thought 'if she can do it, so can I. What's my problem?!'" It was the exact words I uttered to myself over 4 years ago. This is exactly what I needed to hear today as I embark on a fitness challenge tomorrow. I have been needing motivation and I find it to be no coincidence that the same person who inspired me then is inspiring me again today.
With that...thanks for reading.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Goodbye and good riddance 2013!
The last time I wrote was June 2013. I looked back on my blog post and I realized how much I had been through in such a short amount of time and how much I still went through after June. I realize I have been slacking on my blogging...BIG TIME, so here it is...
I wish this last year could have been different. But then I remember the saying "wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first". So enough wishing because I have enough shit. I write this post from a completely different place; physically and mentally. I think just about everybody knows my husband and I are getting divorced. I have spent years trying to make this marriage work. I've tried to make things easier. I've tried to make this less stressful. I've tried to do what's best for him. I've tried therapy. I've tried support groups. Nothing worked. I finally decided I needed to start looking out for me and stop looking out for him. Things changed almost immediately and drastically.
There comes a point where enough IS enough. I'm not going to go into specifics because I don't need to air our dirty laundry. This isn't about making him look bad or me looking good. It's about my feelings and what I have gone through and what I still continue to struggle with. I couldn't struggle anymore. I've dealt with so much this past year. First, dealing with his struggles and the strain they were putting on our marriage. Then, my dad dying. My health was starting to suffer because of all of this stress. Kidney stones were getting worse and finally got the best of me in November. I finally had the procedure to blast them and get them out. The change in how I feel has been amazing.
In the middle of all of this, I moved out a few months ago. It was hard. I had to leave behind the home I helped create and make my own. I had to say goodbye to some of the best neighbors, move the pets out of the only home they had ever known and start the process of dividing our things. So many people have been ridiculously supportive through this whole process, but no matter how much support you have, it's never easy to drive a U-Haul filled with your things down the driveway of the house you bought 8 years ago hoping to build a life with your spouse. That single moment closed a very big chapter in my life. I would no longer have my garden to tend to, the patio room the pets loved loafing in, the corner toilet that everyone found hilarious, the pool I enjoyed relaxing in, the 4th of July parties we had every year, the big yard with different wild animals visiting, my kitchen that I loved to cook in. It's not my home anymore. Now my home is a duplex that I like, but it isn't mine. It will still be my home, but not the way my house was.
Along with leaving my home, I had to come to terms with the fact that my marriage was ending. I felt like I had failed. I had failed myself. I had failed him. I had failed my family and his family. This would never be the marriage I needed it to be. I will probably never have kids. That hope dwindled when this decision was made. I realize a failed marriage is better than a bad marriage, but it's hard at first. Anyone who has ever gone through a divorce knows this feeling. I know deep down that it wasn't a failure. It just didn't work. It would be a failure if I hadn't learned anything from it or grown from it. I think I've done both.
Along with all of this, I've lost so many other things that aren't as obvious. I feel like I've lost the family I had been part of for almost 10 years. I had a place that I belonged. I knew where I would be on holidays. I knew my place. I knew that they filled a void created by my family of origin and the issues that existed there. I don't have that anymore. I don't know how to navigate this territory. Do I still keep in touch? Would it be weird for me? Weird for them? Do they even want to hear from me? Do they think I'm this horrible person who they want to spit on if they see me in the store? Has this changed the way they feel about me? Do I still have this unspoken, unwritten, unconditional welcome in their homes and their lives? A few people have come right out and told me I do and to them, I am grateful. They helped calm some of the anxiety surrounding all of these questions. They took away some of the loneliness I had been feeling. I am so grateful that when I had my kidney stones removed, it was my two sisters-in-law that were there to take me, get my meds, get me home, bring me ice cream and keep me company. My own insecurities made me question the bonds we have, but thankfully, graciously, they have given me the validation I needed.
I have been trying to keep my head up and get through this process with dignity and respect. It is not easy. I have been trying to stay positive and keep things upbeat, but it's hard. When I'm around people, I feel more alive. When I'm at home by myself, I have a tendency to sink into that dark place. The place where I wallow in pity and sadness and question why this is happening. That place where I wish (there's that word again) things could have happened just a little differently so I could make sense of it more. That place where I question whether or not I've made the right decision and whether or not I really did everything I could. I can't avoid it though. I need to learn to deal with it and change it. I am going to be alone more now and I need to learn how to live with that. I need to be comfortable with myself and what I've been through and not run from it. It doesn't stop me from having moments of sadness though.
One thing I am eternally grateful for this past year is that I've been able to turn to God with all of this. My faith has grown and I am so thankful for that. Sometimes it takes bad things to get you to come to your knees and tell God "I just don't have the strength anymore". That's part of the problem to begin with. I've been relying on my strength and not His. I'm learning more to have faith that God knows what's best and is refining me to make me stronger. He has a plan for me and I need to have faith He will provide. He has provided so many times in the past. There were things that just didn't make sense, but He came through. He will see me through this too.
So this was my long overdue blog post ripe with raw emotion, vulnerability, insecurity and instability. I am eternally grateful for the people that have helped keep me upright and positive. I need that right now and I welcome it. Thank you for listening to me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time. Thank you for putting up with my meltdowns. Thank you for taking a tour of my thoughts and feelings and feeling like you're in a never ending dead end maze (you'll get out in a minute). Thank you for getting me out of the house. Thank you for helping me move. Thank you for buying me dinner when you really REALLY didn't have to. Thank you for the gifts and cards. Thank you for the Facebook posts of encouragement. Thank you for the phone calls and text messages. And thank you for continuing to be there when I don't know what tomorrow will bring. So with that, Happy New Year to all of the amazing people in my life and THANK YOU for being you. I love you. Dana
I wish this last year could have been different. But then I remember the saying "wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first". So enough wishing because I have enough shit. I write this post from a completely different place; physically and mentally. I think just about everybody knows my husband and I are getting divorced. I have spent years trying to make this marriage work. I've tried to make things easier. I've tried to make this less stressful. I've tried to do what's best for him. I've tried therapy. I've tried support groups. Nothing worked. I finally decided I needed to start looking out for me and stop looking out for him. Things changed almost immediately and drastically.
There comes a point where enough IS enough. I'm not going to go into specifics because I don't need to air our dirty laundry. This isn't about making him look bad or me looking good. It's about my feelings and what I have gone through and what I still continue to struggle with. I couldn't struggle anymore. I've dealt with so much this past year. First, dealing with his struggles and the strain they were putting on our marriage. Then, my dad dying. My health was starting to suffer because of all of this stress. Kidney stones were getting worse and finally got the best of me in November. I finally had the procedure to blast them and get them out. The change in how I feel has been amazing.
In the middle of all of this, I moved out a few months ago. It was hard. I had to leave behind the home I helped create and make my own. I had to say goodbye to some of the best neighbors, move the pets out of the only home they had ever known and start the process of dividing our things. So many people have been ridiculously supportive through this whole process, but no matter how much support you have, it's never easy to drive a U-Haul filled with your things down the driveway of the house you bought 8 years ago hoping to build a life with your spouse. That single moment closed a very big chapter in my life. I would no longer have my garden to tend to, the patio room the pets loved loafing in, the corner toilet that everyone found hilarious, the pool I enjoyed relaxing in, the 4th of July parties we had every year, the big yard with different wild animals visiting, my kitchen that I loved to cook in. It's not my home anymore. Now my home is a duplex that I like, but it isn't mine. It will still be my home, but not the way my house was.
Along with leaving my home, I had to come to terms with the fact that my marriage was ending. I felt like I had failed. I had failed myself. I had failed him. I had failed my family and his family. This would never be the marriage I needed it to be. I will probably never have kids. That hope dwindled when this decision was made. I realize a failed marriage is better than a bad marriage, but it's hard at first. Anyone who has ever gone through a divorce knows this feeling. I know deep down that it wasn't a failure. It just didn't work. It would be a failure if I hadn't learned anything from it or grown from it. I think I've done both.
Along with all of this, I've lost so many other things that aren't as obvious. I feel like I've lost the family I had been part of for almost 10 years. I had a place that I belonged. I knew where I would be on holidays. I knew my place. I knew that they filled a void created by my family of origin and the issues that existed there. I don't have that anymore. I don't know how to navigate this territory. Do I still keep in touch? Would it be weird for me? Weird for them? Do they even want to hear from me? Do they think I'm this horrible person who they want to spit on if they see me in the store? Has this changed the way they feel about me? Do I still have this unspoken, unwritten, unconditional welcome in their homes and their lives? A few people have come right out and told me I do and to them, I am grateful. They helped calm some of the anxiety surrounding all of these questions. They took away some of the loneliness I had been feeling. I am so grateful that when I had my kidney stones removed, it was my two sisters-in-law that were there to take me, get my meds, get me home, bring me ice cream and keep me company. My own insecurities made me question the bonds we have, but thankfully, graciously, they have given me the validation I needed.
I have been trying to keep my head up and get through this process with dignity and respect. It is not easy. I have been trying to stay positive and keep things upbeat, but it's hard. When I'm around people, I feel more alive. When I'm at home by myself, I have a tendency to sink into that dark place. The place where I wallow in pity and sadness and question why this is happening. That place where I wish (there's that word again) things could have happened just a little differently so I could make sense of it more. That place where I question whether or not I've made the right decision and whether or not I really did everything I could. I can't avoid it though. I need to learn to deal with it and change it. I am going to be alone more now and I need to learn how to live with that. I need to be comfortable with myself and what I've been through and not run from it. It doesn't stop me from having moments of sadness though.
One thing I am eternally grateful for this past year is that I've been able to turn to God with all of this. My faith has grown and I am so thankful for that. Sometimes it takes bad things to get you to come to your knees and tell God "I just don't have the strength anymore". That's part of the problem to begin with. I've been relying on my strength and not His. I'm learning more to have faith that God knows what's best and is refining me to make me stronger. He has a plan for me and I need to have faith He will provide. He has provided so many times in the past. There were things that just didn't make sense, but He came through. He will see me through this too.
So this was my long overdue blog post ripe with raw emotion, vulnerability, insecurity and instability. I am eternally grateful for the people that have helped keep me upright and positive. I need that right now and I welcome it. Thank you for listening to me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time. Thank you for putting up with my meltdowns. Thank you for taking a tour of my thoughts and feelings and feeling like you're in a never ending dead end maze (you'll get out in a minute). Thank you for getting me out of the house. Thank you for helping me move. Thank you for buying me dinner when you really REALLY didn't have to. Thank you for the gifts and cards. Thank you for the Facebook posts of encouragement. Thank you for the phone calls and text messages. And thank you for continuing to be there when I don't know what tomorrow will bring. So with that, Happy New Year to all of the amazing people in my life and THANK YOU for being you. I love you. Dana
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