i probably shouldn't be posting right now. Why? Because I'm tired so who know what's gonna come outta my blog.
But anywho...
I can't believe how fast this summer has gone. I also can't believe how much fun I've had. I said I wanted to have the summer of fun and I have been. There have still been some internal struggles, but I'm working through them and trying to get myself in a better place.
The biggest change is that I've been getting OUT and doing stuff. I used to be such a homebody before. I thought I just loved my house (which I did), but I also realized it was because I was afraid to leave. Whenever I left, it was a "cat's away so the mouse is at play" situation and it usually ended with me having to pick up some kind of pieces. I had this massive sense of relief when I could go out and enjoy myself without the worry of what I was going to come home to (with the exception of kitten shenanigans).
The stress I felt last summer was making me sick, literally. My kidney stones were awful, I was getting bladder infections all the time because of it and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had no motivation. None. Nope. Nada. I think I rode my bike once last year. ONCE! I've already rode 350 miles so far in June, July and August. 350 MILES?! SAY WHAT?! As much as I enjoyed my garden and my pool, I barely dealt with either one of them last year. This year, I longed for a garden, but the timing and cash-flow weren't cooperating so next year...I have a sense of peace this year that I didn't have last year. Granted, I still have stress, but it's not the same stress. It's residual crap I need to handle from the fallout of the divorce, but I know in time, that too will pass.
I've discovered so much about myself this past year. I am ok living by myself again. At first, I was scared that I would end up hitting my head, passing out and having Snickers eat my face off, but now I'm actually enjoying it. I still go through phases where I feel lonely, but I will gladly take the loneliness compared to what I was living before. Even though money is much tighter and I need to be more disciplined than in the past, it's ok. I'm finding some amazing things to do for free or cheap. It's stuff I've always wanted to do, but didn't want to do alone. I've reconnected with so many amazing people and have added some new ones to the mix too. I realize just how blessed I am to have the support of all these people around me.
With the changes in my marital status, I've also had to come to terms with dating again. It's terrifying. The though of having to get to know someone again, wonder if they're interested, be scared if they think I'm too fat, too goofy, too big haired, too nerdy, too obnoxious, etc. It's terrifying. I have slowly been putting myself out there, but I'm realizing I'm not the same person I was before. I'm not willing to settle or lower my standards just so I can be with someone. I'm ok with that. I've also noticed there are a lot of guys out there that try to convince me otherwise. I'm not going to compromise who I am to be with someone. Not anymore. It's not to say I'm not willing to compromise, I'm just not willing to compromise who I am to make someone else happy. Can I be better? Absolutely, and I'm working on that, but I am far from perfect. I'm still insecure. I still take things personally. I still guard my heart because of all the hurt I've had to face. On the flip side though, I know I have a lot to offer. I'll get there eventually. It just might take some time. I'm not willing to rush just so I can squeeze myself into a mold I think will make me normal only to find out it's the furthest thing from normal. I would rather have a slightly off kilter happy relationship than a dysfunctional miserable one.
Another things I've discovered this past year is my laugh. I think I've belly laughed harder this year than ever before. That OMG-my-gut-hurts-my-cheeks-are-about-to-explode-and-I-have-tears-running-down-my-face belly laugh. It's a feeling I lost a few years back. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I held that back for so long because of everything I was going through. It's coming back and it feels awesome. I've had some awesome things to laugh about. To name a few, sitting in my living room with some old, old friends reminiscing and laughing uncontrollably (this has happened numerous times), watching Snickers face plant into the kitty condo and then her ass catches up to her 2 seconds later, State Fair ('nuff said), Brewer games (thanks Colleen) and the endless uses for an Aramiz Ramirez head-on-a-stick, watching Ann sleep during fireworks, jumping on the trampoline with Camden and Coleson, dressing up as Thor with a baby dressed up as Thor, endlessly tickling Arianna and Elias, attempting to get Grandma lit on fuzzy navels (I love that woman), telling the ridiculous stories of my dating life, conquering the hammock (thank you for lowering it Dale), swinging on a children's tire swing whilst drinking martinis (pinkies out girls!), cards against humanity, Breakaway and many many more. I thought I lost my laugh. It's back, and still loud, and probably a little too obnoxious, but I'm ok with that because it is genuine, from the heart and 100% Dana.
This year has flown by. That's how the last few years have been. With the stress comes the ability to lose time. I guess sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes it's not. I wish summer would slow down a little. I'm enjoying getting out and having fun. I have a lot more things I want to do!
I hope everyone is having a fantastical summer so far. I know some of you have been dealing with pain, heartache, breakups, death, illness, unemployment and other struggles. I hope you realize, there is a time for this in your life. Without the pain and struggle, we can't appreciate the good times. If anyone can be a testament to that, it's me. I have had so much happen in just a few short years. I've lost some of the most important people in my life, gone through a divorce, dealt with the financial fallout, dealt with the pain of kidney stones and eventual surgery and so many more things I'd love to write, but I'm not willing to air my ex's dirty laundry. I will be ok and so will you. Ask for help, surround your self with good people, don't slip into old habits, don't hurt the ones you love, enjoy life.
My new normal still isn't what I wanted it to be, but lately, it's been turning out to be ok.
Peace out homies,
Dana
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