So here I am, finally getting around to blogging. I've been thinking about this subject for a while and have been contemplating about writing about it. After some events this week, I finally got the motivation to sit down and put it on "paper".
I realize that I am an honest person in a dishonest world. This frustrates me. It torments me. It makes me absolutely batty! I choose to live my life honestly. I choose to be authentic, genuine and caring. I don't always get the same in return. In fact, I spent years getting the exact opposite of that in return. For a long time, I went along thinking my life was based on things that were honest and real. I thought my life was authentic. Then I found out I had been lied to...a lot...and repeatedly. This feeling makes me sick to my stomach. The lies negate the positive experiences in my life because I feel like it was all a sham. The smoke and mirrors that tricked me into being fooled. I feel like when I am lied to, it is a personal insult to me because someone doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me.
As I said earlier, there were some events this week that brought this subject to the forefront and made me want to talk about it. I had been talking to someone for a while, probably over a month. I didn't have much intention on being more than friends with him. He seemed like a nice guy, but logistically, it wasn't going to happen. I ended up meeting him anyway figuring I'd make a new friend. He wanted to be more than friends. For some reason, I didn't do my detective work before I met him and the next day, discovered everything he told me was a lie. He was not separated. His divorce had not been in process for a year. He did not have 1 kid, he had 2 (the youngest is only 2 months old). All lies. I was INFURIATED and sick to my stomach. It made me sick to think I trusted him. It made me sick to think there are people out there that try to take advantage of people just for their own selfish gain. It made me sick to think his wife is an innocent victim in all of this. It made me sick to think none of my flags went up.
Normally, my gut instincts are pretty good. My gut tells me something is off, but I don't always know what. This is the point where I turn into a paranoid freak trying to figure out what is off. I had this "gift" when I was married too. I knew SOMETHING was off, but I didn't know what. I would drive myself crazy until I found out. And then once I found out, I would try to fix it. Fix, fix, fix, never give up, fix...until I gave so much of myself that I didn't know who I was anymore. This time, I sent a message telling him I knew the truth along with a few choice words. I waited for a response. After about 5 minutes, I realized I didn't care what his response was. It would probably be mean. It would probably be another lie. I didn't want to know what he had to say for himself because I didn't care. I blocked his number, blocked him on Facebook (even though we weren't friends), and blocked him anywhere else I could find. I didn't want any part of this.
Again, I was discouraged. Again, I was upset. Again, I had lost faith in humanity and dating in general. Dating has been difficult. Everyone has their own set of experiences to bring to the table and it's sorting out whether or not your baggage can handle someone else's baggage and vice versa. There have been a very select few that I have met that I think I could actually be in a trusting, loving, productive relationship. Unfortunately, there have been other factors that have contributed in the inability to making it work (schedules, distance, etc). It's frustrating when the good parts are there, but factors outside your control affect the ability to make it work. It's even more frustrating when you know you've found someone who brings out feelings you haven't had in a while, but you just can't figure it out.
This brings up a whole new set of problems. Because I have had these experiences, I have become jaded and distrusting, yet trusting at the same time. I have ruined relationships because of this. I have pushed people away because I think they are being dishonest and they aren't (or at least won't admit to it). As I said before, I take it personally when I am lied to. I feel like someone is disrespecting ME when I am lied to. I keep feeling like I am the problem when I am lied to because it is happening to me. I once had someone tell me I MAKE people lie to me. The thought of this tormented me for a long time. I later realized it was his pathetic cop out for justifying his own lies.
Lies are a form of manipulation. They manipulate someone into thinking the truth is not what it really is. We all lie in some way, shape or form. My driver's license doesn't have my real weight on it. I'd like to call it my "goal weight". LOL There are lies that are small and harmless. There are lies that are unintentional. Then there are lies that are trying to cover what is really going on. They are meant to distort reality. They are hiding something or covering it up. This is where the damage is done.
I know I need to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is like me. Not everyone can be honest about how they feel, what they are doing or what has happened in the past. I know these are not the people for me, but I also need to not feel slighted by these people. I posted something to Facebook the other day that said "Just because someone fails to see your worth, doesn't mean you are worthless." It is so true. I have such a hard time remembering this. If someone lies to me and doesn't give me the respect I deserve, this is not a reflection on me. This is a reflection on them and the type of person they are. I think, especially as a woman, we put our worth into how others treat us and fail to have confidence in ourselves and what we deserve so we either tolerate it or get discouraged and depressed by it. I'm the second one. I get discouraged and depressed.
My very wise friend told me a week ago that I worry about what people think of me, but it's the wrong people. My friends see my worth. My friends love me and care about me. My friends get my brand of crazy and accept me for who I am. My friends actually LIKE ME, but for some reason, I don't put stock into that. I put stock into the people who don't see all of these things. I need to focus on the ones that understand I am not perfect, but I deserve to be loved. I am going to have bad days, but I deserve to be forgiven. I am going to screw up, but I deserve to not be discarded. I am a good person and deserve good things in return. People who don't see that, don't deserve the love I have to give. If someone can't forgive me for having a bad day or can't have compassion regarding the fact that yes, I get sad about the things I've lost and I get sad about the way I wish my life would have turned out, then they aren't worth it. I've had to come to terms with the fact that the people who said they would always be there for me and love me unconditionally, may not. I've learned this the hard way recently and it breaks my heart, but I refuse to try to fix something that is out of my control. I am human and will not empty myself to find love and acceptance from someone who can't accept me for who I am, flaws and all.
I will continue to live my life honestly, authentically and with care and love. I hope that someday, I will find that person who can do the same AND is available logistically. I need to do my best to not put my value and worth into people who do not bring positive things to my life. I realize this means letting go of relationships I thought would be set in stone, but what is the point if the foundation isn't based on love, honesty and respect?
If you love someone, be honest with them. Give them the decency to have the truth and let them live their lives based on that truth and not on the lies you've given them. The truth will always stand on it's own. Lies are a flimsy foundation that will usually fall apart eventually. The truth may not always be what you want to hear, but it will always be the truth. If other people lie or you are lied to, that doesn't justify being dishonest in return. Be authentic. Be compassionate. Be loving. Be true to yourself and real. You can guarantee you will always get the same from me in return and I will always try my best to do it in a way that is caring, loving and respectful (even though I may fail sometimes).
The reason I blog is to get my innards out and also to hopefully have some influence on the world around me. I hope what you've read brings out positives in you and the world around you. It wasn't to judge anyone, but if you feel judged by the words I just wrote, you may have some introspection to do to figure out why you are feeling that way. I hope it is a good thing and I hope you can understand this blog wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but just a reflection on my life recently and how I analyze and value honesty around me.
Dana
