As many of you probably saw on Facebook, yesterday marked a year since I filed for divorce. Without a blink, I know I am in a better place than where I was a year ago. I was able to reflect on where I was a year ago and where I am now. It also got me thinking where I want to be.
A year ago, I was physically sick over the events in my life. Kidney stones were out of control, blood pressure was high, stress was high and I was exhausted. EXHAUSTED. I went to see my doctor a few weeks ago. I had the usual blood tests, urine tests, physical, etc. I compared this year's results with last year's results. The difference was obvious. My doctor pointed out that my kidneys and liver were functioning at normal levels again. They were not last year. Part of that may have been because of the stones, but I have stones now and they are still functioning normal. It was a great feeling to see, in writing, that my physical health is no longer taking a toll due to the stress of my situation. I can also see it in pictures. I can see a difference in my eyes. My eyes are brighter now. My smile is more genuine and not forced now. A family friend told me within weeks of moving out that my body language changed after I left. I was more relaxed, especially in my face. I didn't keep the stress on my face and tenseness in my body.
I have also started dating again. This whole process has been hard. It has brought up a whole new set of challenges for me that I haven't had for 10 years. Some of them are new due to the divorce and the situation I was faced with that led to the divorce. I'm realizing that I will never be in the same place I was before. I am in a different place. It is My New Normal. The experiences I have had in the past 10 years have changed me; some good, some bad. I have found myself being insecure and self conscious. I have discovered some of these situations are a first for me. I don't know how to navigate them, but I am willing to figure them out.
My biggest problem is I tend to take things personally. I know this is something I need to work on. I've always had this problem, but I think the events of the past year have exacerbated this insecurity. I am so used to trying to anticipate every possible scenario to minimize the surprises and to prepare myself to deal with situations. Between a divorce, financial instability, death of a loved one and my own health issues, I want to minimize the surprises as much as I can. Unfortunately, this causes me to overthink EVERYTHING and come up with possible outcomes and reasons for each scenario. It's kinda like one of those build your own stories books we used to read as kids. I map out every possible story in my head to try to prepare myself for every possible outcome. In the process, I work myself into a frenzy feeling insecure and responsible for the outcomes when honestly, may not have anything to do with me.
The biggest frustration in all of this is that I am usually fighting myself in these situations. I'm exhausting every option in my head and the actual outcome usually isn't one I have thought about and usually is much simpler than the frenzy I've worked up in my own head. I need to learn how to slow my brain down, simplify and be confident in my situation. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. With dating now, I've found that I need someone who can accept me for who I am now while understanding this is not who I want to be in the future. I want to be better and work on this, but I also feel like I can't work on it unless I am in the situation to have these feelings. (For the record, this is not why I want to be with someone. It's because I genuinely miss the companionship and want someone in my life).
I've realized this makes me wish I could date my girlfriends if they were in a man's body. LOL My female friends understand it. They get it. They know exactly where I am coming from because a lot of them are wired the same. I think the biggest reason is they see the redeeming qualities in me and they trump the less appealing qualities. They know my insecurities are a character flaw and something I want to work on. They are also my biggest cheerleaders. They are able to understand me; not on a superficial level, but deep down in my soul. They see my heart. They know I am a deeply complicated person who tries to be in touch with my feelings and the reasons I am feeling that way. They know they can ask me for anything and I will do my best to help. They know I will be there to support them how they have supported me. They know the things I have been through have brought me life experience no one else can understand. They know these things have damaged me, but it doesn't change the goodness in my heart. One of my friends in my bible study told me she felt like God was putting me through all of this to use me for good things. When I have friends who are losing parents, contemplating or going through divorce and feeling defeated, they know I understand what they are going through on a deeper level. I have been able to offer support to friends in many of these situations because I've survived them.
It reminds me of "Just Give Me a Reason" by P!nk and Nate Ruess. I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday and was reminded "We're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again". I am not broken, but I was close. I am bent, but I am learning to love again. I'm learning to love life again. I'm learning to love getting out and meeting new people again. I am learning to love adventure and activity again. I am learning to love the person who I have become in the past year since I filed for divorce. I am also learning to embrace the dating process and understand it is a process and it's not my comfort zone. It's not what I am used to. It's not what I've been conditioned to for the past 10 years. It has not broken me, just bent me, and I am learning to love again. For that, I can thank God everyday he has given me another day to make a difference in the lives of those I encounter. I can be thankful My New Normal is not what I imagined it would be a year ago. I will keep getting better. I will keep growing and examining the changes in my life. I will keep living my life forward, but understanding it in reverse. I will keep Living, Loving and Learning.
