After my dad died, I joined a Griefshare group (www.griefshare.org) to help me through some of the pain. One of the things I learned was that although our loved ones had just recently died, many people had started grieving long before the actual death. They were given a diagnosis months before and had a chance to start their grieving process sooner. For me, my grief started on that tragic day. It was sudden and immediate.
Many of the new beginnings I have been faced with were sudden, immediate and completely out of my control. Others were planned, calculated and patiently waited out. Many of these events overlapped and forced me to juggle numerous stresses at one time. It was exhausting. I was trapped in my own hell. I couldn't move forward and couldn't go back. I had to just wait.
As I said before, today marks the end of the last personal struggle I've faced over the past few years. I felt like I couldn't drop the last anchor until today. Today marks my final new beginning. There will always be grief and there will always be pain, but the intertwined situations that have caused so much pain, stress and heartache for me the past few years are O-V-E-R! Of course, I probably just jinxed myself, but oh well.
I am grateful for where the past few years have brought me. It wasn't easy, but God had a hand in this and a hand protecting me. I've lost so much in a few short years (death, divorce, financial, physical, emotional, mental), but at the same time, I've come out the other side stronger, smarter, healthier and a little tougher. I may never fully understand all that has happened, but I do understand what it has taught me. It's taught me to be patient. It's taught me to persevere. It's taught me to accept what I can't control.
I am more in touch with who I am than I ever was. I am willing to look at myself and see someone who is flawed, but not willing to compromise who I am to please anyone or selfishly gain. I try to be fair, understanding, helpful, giving, loving and positive. (note: I said TRY). I know God has a plan for me and I don't understand what it is, but I will do my best to follow the path He has put me on. It would have been easy to hide in drugs, alcohol or other addictions. It would have been easy to jump into another relationship right after my divorce to mask my own flaws. It would have been easy to settle for someone less than what I deserve. It would have been easy to give up and not care. I chose not to take the easy route. I chose to do what was RIGHT and heal through this process. I chose to embrace all that was happening to me and analyze it so I could understand it better. I chose to grow as a person and be a better version of who I was before. I chose to alter My New Normal into something I never thought was possible.
I am still a work in progress, but today, I can look back and say I did it. I survived I'm going to be ok. The last few years of my life have been hard, but I am lucky to be where I am today and I will not look back and dwell on the woulda, coulda, shouldas.
Thank you to those who have had any part of my journey. Thank you for your words of encouragement, your support, your hugs, your tears, your pep talks, the dinners you bought me, the events you took me to, the drinks you bought me, the time you spent with me and the love you've given me. At the same time, I also need to thank those who weren't there for me or that caused some of the pain. Thank you for helping me realize the type of people I want in my life. Thank you for not wasting my time in thinking you actually cared. Thank you or not taking time away from the people that did matter. Thank you for making it easy to walk away. The real tragedy would have been missing out on those that wanted to be in my life and not realizing what I was giving up.
I pray no one ever has to experience the things I have over the past few years, but know that if you do, you will be ok. You can survive. Face it head on, deal with it, heal from it, learn from it and grow from it. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your situation or suffering isn't a big deal. All they are saying is it isn't a big deal TO THEM. It is a big deal and you have every right to feel that way.
Onto new beginnings!
Dana
