I debated on putting something so open and heartfelt on my public blog, but I realized this is not the kind of thing I want to keep private. I feel if I kept this private, everyone wouldn't get a chance to know the glue that has held our family together. They wouldn't understand the immense loss we are all facing and they couldn't comprehend the grief we are living with.
This letter is to Mary, my stepmom, the love of my dad's life, mother of 3, stepmother of 2, mother in law to 3, grandmother to 2, sister, daughter and friend of many.
I feel like I have so much to say and so little time to say it. When did the time get so small? 15 years ago you came into my life. It was 15 years I didn't appreciate you enough. I didn't let you in. I didn't want to let you get close. I was afraid of what it would be like to have a mother figure because of the turmoil I went through. It wasn't personal. It was my own defenses going up because that was all I knew. I wish I would have grown closer to you. I wish I wouldn't have let this time be wasted.
I can't live in regrets though. I have to be thankful. I could have gone my entire life without knowing you and that would have been the real tragedy. Who would have been there for me after my dad died? Who could have understood better than you? You didn't care about the past. You didn't judge me for who I was. You didn't treat me like the brat I used to be. You treated me like a mother would treat her daughter. You hugged me, listened to me, gave me advice, cried with me, laughed with me and most importantly, loved me.
I don't think people know how much you will be missed. Those of us in your family know. There will be a void that can never be filled. The day we found out about your illness, a part of our hearts became permanently vacant. It can never be filled again because the tenant could never be replaced. I hate that your kids have to feel an ounce of this. They love you so much.
You have loved everyone so freely and so openly. When someone needed a hand, you stepped up and helped in any way you could. You took care of Grandma after Grandpa died. You didn't have to. You did it because you loved her and cared about her. The appreciation the two of you had for each other was admirable. That can never be replicated or replaced.
You set a great example of unconditional love. You loved all of us wholeheartedly. You always wanted holidays to be a good memory. You always wanted us to be happy. And even when we weren't, you didn't hold a grudge if we took it out on you. You just loved us. Life was a celebration to you. I can honestly say I didn't appreciate it enough. I didn't celebrate it enough. I didn't take advantage of it enough. The good thing is that I know this now and there is time to change.
The past year and 2 1/2 months have brought us closer. I am eternally grateful for that. It's also why this pain is so overwhelming. You never made me feel like I was a burden. You understood my grief and my pain. You didn't diminish it or try to minimize it. You grieved with me. With all of us.
I'm sorry for all the times I was a snot nosed brat. I guess that would translate into "red headed stepchild" (sometimes literally depending on the color choice). I'm sorry for not letting you in. I'm sorry for not letting you love me more. I'm sorry for wasting all the time we had. I'm sorry for the regrets. I'm sorry for the heartache. I'm sorry for not being able to be there everyday (you'd get sick of me anyway). I'm sorry all of this is happening to you.
I don't understand God's plan in all of this. I don't understand God's plan in my life the past few years. Things have been so hard. You've been there for me every step of the way. I don't know how we will get through this. I pray God will protect us and get us through this. I pray you have peace in this transition.
I love you. I'm sorry for not showing you more. I'm sorry for not saying it more. I don't know any other way to tell you how much you've meant to me, especially since Dad died. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being there.
If there is any comfort in all of this, it's that we had the chance to say the things that needed to be said. We had the chance to tell each other how much we love each other. We had the chance to be together. To enjoy our time together while we still had it.
Soon, your journey will end and we will have to find a way to go on. It will not be easy. How do you keep your house stable when the foundation is gone? In the end, these are the things that give me comfort...God is preparing an amazing place in heaven for you. One deserving of an amazing woman who has given so much to so many. He will wrap you in His loving embrace. There will be no more pain. There will be no more cancer. There will be no more sickness. But I know what there will be...waiting for you, with open arms, will be the love of your life ready to wrap his arms around his amazing wife.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
I love you,
Dana
