So remember my last blog post where I was all like "yay! I'm dating someone and he's really nice"? Yeah, scratch that. That didn't work out. He's still nice, but that didn't work out. So in the meantime, I waddle back into the tepid waters of the dating pool again. Someone drown me please!
My friend told me today I should start keeping a record of some of the stories I tell her about the guys I've gone out with. Some of them are just laughable. There's the 28 year old who I referred to as "The Puppy" because it was as if he were nipping at my heels constantly. When I told him I didn't think we were right for each other, but I wished him the best of luck, he turned around and blamed me by saying I was too busy to date. After knowing me TWO WHOLE DAYS he determined THAT was why we wouldn't work out. Not the incessant texting about NOTHING (i.e. "did you get your potatoes yet? LOL"). Why the F*#@ do you care if I bought the potatoes I said I was going to buy or not?! BACK OFF DUDE! Thanks for telling me I'm really pretty though.
Then there was the guy who says he's 42, but looks 52. Then says how he did coke from the time he was 18 until about 38, when he switched to crack, but he's good now. Um...BYE! I don't care how much money you have! Maybe that's why you look 52 instead of 42! And then, he asks me ON A FIRST MEETING "how much do they pay at Children's? I mean, you have to be making a decent living". Um...'scuse me?! I make enough to drive my Camry back to Stallis THANKYOUVERYMUCH! Then I get a text after I get home "what do you think?" Um...what? Does your ego need that much feeding that you have to ask me what I think? You should be saying "this is what I thought". Uh Buh-bye now!
There were also a few nice guys who I ended up being friends with. I like those guys. So now there's LBFD, LBFG and LBFR (Let's Be Friends...Fill in the blank). They had the balls to say "hey, you're fricken awesome...in a friend sort of way". You can never have too many friends, especially those who buy you White Russians or run saltines and 7up to your house when you look like death (and they walk in and say "holy f*&%" because you look so awful, but you don't care cuz you know you're not gonna date them!).
Oh oh oh! So back to my piss tainted dating pool...So then there's the guy who seemed REALLY nice. Called, texted, very attentive for about 5 days. Had a great first meeting on Valentine's Day. Thought everything was really promising...UNTIL HE FELL OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET! Last words? "I'll talk to you tomorrow". 2 days later, he unfriended me on Facebook! Found out there was another little side dish he was interested in. Oh well, good luck with his passive aggressive cowardly ass. I don't need it! I can't do passive aggressive cowards. I can't and I won't and you can't make me!
So for the guys who may be reading this...Let's chat, shall we? First, no bathroom selfies on your dating profiles. NO BATHROOM SELFIES! No selfies lifting up your shirt to show off your abs. Along these same lines...NO GYM SELFIES EITHER! Do not take pictures of yourself in the mirror holding your phone. Find a friend! Do not post pictures with carcasses, this includes fish. Don't post ONLY pictures of your kids. Yeah, they're cute, we get it, but if you look like a hobbit, be up front with it. Some chicks dig hobbits. Along the same lines, don't post pics of only your pets or cars. We're glad you don't drive a Datsun, but please, I don't need to see 7 pics of your Chevy truck in all it's glory. Use proper grammar. There's a different between "your shit" and "you're shit". You look like a complete idiot if you can't spell. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD USE PUNCTUATION! THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR! This is not a proper sentence I wish I could say it was but then I would be lying does anyone want chicken for dinner no ok I guess pizza it is. And finally, take a decent picture. SMILE! If you look like a convicted felon, we're gonna think you're a convicted felon!
Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel a little better. Ladies, raise a glass, here's to not settling. Here's to quality over quantity. Here's to being happy without a clown instead of miserable with one. Cheers to all my peeps in the dating world. I commend you for not giving up, and applaud you for not settling for anything less than what you deserve!
Peace
