Dating has brought out a lot of this in me. I've gone out with a few different guys over the last 4-5 months. None of them were the right fit. I felt myself slipping into old, familiar habits without even realizing it. Thankfully, it didn't work out. I say "thankfully" because if it did, I wouldn't have met the man I'm dating now.
I have struggled with a lot of insecurities since we started dating. Most of them stem from thinking I won't be good enough or he'll find something out and not like me anymore or that he'll just plain stop calling like some people have in the past. I started by expecting him to be like all the rest. I was projecting the treatment I had received in the past onto him. Again, thankfully, I was dead wrong.
In this process, I have found myself on the verge of panic attacks (sorry to my friends who have had to suffer through my analyzing and processing of all of this). I've been so afraid of what could go wrong that I wasn't able to enjoy the good things either. I was so focused on trying to prepare myself for the pain I expected that I couldn't even relish in the happy moments. I also internalized a lot of things that had NOTHING to do with me. I was manifesting my own problems because of assumptions I made and in the process, I was making myself miserable. One of my longtime coworkers recently said "enjoy the happy times while you can. If it's not going to work out, it's not going to work out. There's nothing you can do to stop that so why not at least enjoy it while you can?" He was right. I can't control this and I can't stop it, but I can stop trying to prepare myself for the worst and start enjoying the best.
I realized last night that I am lucky to have someone who is supportive and understanding. I told him I was afraid that I was going to push him away with some of the stuff I'm processing through and his response was "well, I'm sitting right here. You're fine". What?! You mean my neuroses didn't make me look like a complete monster complete with a hair growing mole? The funny thing is, I thought my neurotic overthinking was going to somehow blemish what he thought. To him, it was no big deal. He understood I just needed to say some stuff out loud. I also told him about some of the stuff I am still going through that is completely out of my control and his only response was "you've been through a lot and you will get through this too". Part of me thought he may make a mad dash out the door because (gasp!) I'm not perfect. I often fear the imperfections will outweigh the good parts, but what if someone can see through all that? My girlfriends can do it. They are my biggest supporters and closer to me than family. They know my neurotic moments and how I overthink EVERYTHING, but still love me anyway. Why should I expect anything less from someone I'm dating?
I've always been the type to wait for the other shoe to drop because it always has, but what if it DOESN'T? I'm always waiting for the bad things to happen and trying to prepare for it that I am missing out on the good stuff too. After our conversation last night, I realized there are a lot of good things here I need to appreciate. WHAT IF...an issue comes up and we talk about it and it's done? ...it never comes back up in a later conversation? ...he doesn't obsessively overanalyze it to the point of driving himself crazy? (oh wait, that's me). I have been so conditioned to think an issue is never truly closed. It can rear it's ugly head at any moment so I need to be prepared to combat it. Living like this has caused me to constantly have my defenses up to the point I can't enjoy the good parts. But this...this is DIFFERENT. After driving myself crazy one day, I thought it was over and prepared myself to walk away. We had an adult discussion about it and I explained my side and he explained his. We both understood where the other one was coming from and it was done...or so he thought. When I came over that night and said I was surprised he was even talking to me, he basically said "we resolved it. moving on?" What?! you don't want to rehash this until we've dissected every little detail and made 7 new problems?
Little by little, bit by bit, My New Normal is my wall is coming down and I'm starting to see there is a world out there with happiness, normalcy and healthiness. I'm starting to see I CAN be in a functional relationship, I just need to learn how. I am slowly learning how to accept the good things and the happy times. I'm learning to laugh at the things that make me happy and I'm learning to just breathe because if it goes down the crapper, it goes down the crapper, but for now, it's not so why not enjoy the ride while I can. I kinda feel like I've been on a cross country trip with a blindfold on. There is so much beauty around me but I'm afraid to see it because there might be some bumps along the road too.
Sometimes, my overthinking and overanalyzing can be used for good. I can finally understand why I do what I do and correct it. It is the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference
I'm lucky that I am changing. I am starting to see myself the way my friends see me and maybe, just maybe, that's pretty dang good.
