I know I say this every time I blog, but I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've blogged!
As I sit here on this Christmas Eve, I can't believe how much has changed in just a few short years. I look back on all that life has thrown at me and for some things, I'm grateful. For others, I'm sad, but I hope I will learn something from the experience.
I reflect back to last year and the loss of my marriage and the changes I faced during this time of year last year. I felt like I lost a family I was part of for 9 years. I was on my own again, but it was also a year since my dad had passed and I didn't know how Christmas would be without him. Mary was awesome. She worked hard to make sure he was part of it, but also wanted us all together. It was such a comfort to know some things just wouldn't change. Unfortunately, this year is no exception. Now that she's gone, Christmas just isn't the same. It will still be Christmas, but not the way it was. I wish I would have appreciated those days when they were here because now that they're gone, I miss them more than I ever thought I would. There is no yule log playing on the TV. There are no gifts under the tree with all of our names on them. There's no white elephant exchange (which may be a good thing because I don't know that I need another monkey hula ornament creeping me out JESSICA!). There is no meal where we eat way too much and too many sweets and walk out fat and happy. The joy she brought to this time of year is missing. There's a huge hole in my heart I never realized would be there until I lost my dad and her. I didn't realize the gift I was given for so many years was my dad and her in my life.
On a happier note, there are a lot of things to be grateful for. I'm grateful my life has changed for the better. I spent the past year healing mentally, emotionally and physically. I didn't know where my life would be a year ago. I'm not where I thought I would be, but I am right where I should be. This year has not been without struggle or pain, but it has been filled with joy too. I feel happy again. I am able to enjoy my life and do the things I never thought I'd do.
I went out for my (non) birthday this year. I say "non" because I didn't want any over the top overt birthday obnoxiousness. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who understand the difficulty of losing my dad and grandpa on my birthday and know it's a lot for me to handle. But I had FUN! I felt like a kid again at Dave & Buster's playing video games and enjoying myself. My favorite part of the night (besides having my amazing friends by my side), was 4 way air hockey. That was A BLAST. I highly suggest it if you ever go to D&B. Unfortunately, not everyone was able to make it out for my birthday. My closest friends, who are like sisters to me, made time to go out another night and made it special. I love this close knit group of friends. I can always be myself around them and we can always talk about anything (ahem...inappropriate pictures, ladies...).
I have also started dating again. This has been a learning experience that has brought some challenges. I didn't realize some of the insecurities and anxieties I would be feeling. I've had some pretty crappy dates, some ok dates, some amazing dates and even gained a few great friends out of the experience. For right now, I've been lucky enough to enjoy the company of someone who I enjoy spending time with who has been amazingly patient and understanding about the things I'm going through. He didn't know about my birthday, but when I told him, he said he wanted to take me out for a special night and to make good memories. How could I pass that up? I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I am going to enjoy what I have and be thankful for all the people God has put in my life this year.
My New Normal this year isn't what I thought it would be, but God has shown me I have some amazing friends who I consider family. I also have some amazing family. I was able to see a lot of my family I don't see very often. My aunt and my cousin stayed with me in August for a few days and it was awesome. I missed them so much and I cherished the time they were here. I didn't know where I would be this year physically, emotionally or mentally, but I am in a good place. I have people in my life who want me in theirs. I am so blessed.
And of course, I'm lucky enough to have some hilarious furry creatures. They have been my constants. I realized in September of this year that I had Scooter 9 years. A quarter of my life has been with this dog. He's "just a dog" right? Not my Scoots. He's been such a comfort through all of this. The tail is always wagging and he will never turn down a snuggle.
I have been a lucky girl this year. The gifts I have been given can't be wrapped in pretty paper with a bow on top. They are gifts I unwrapped in my heart that will always have a place in there. It's been the love and support of the people around me, the companionship of my fur babies and the blessings God has bestowed on me. Why would I want anything else?
Merry Christmas everyone. May God bless you in amazing ways this year with love, acceptance, support and amazing people who make you and your life better.
