The last time I wrote was June 2013. I looked back on my blog post and I realized how much I had been through in such a short amount of time and how much I still went through after June. I realize I have been slacking on my blogging...BIG TIME, so here it is...
I wish this last year could have been different. But then I remember the saying "wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first". So enough wishing because I have enough shit. I write this post from a completely different place; physically and mentally. I think just about everybody knows my husband and I are getting divorced. I have spent years trying to make this marriage work. I've tried to make things easier. I've tried to make this less stressful. I've tried to do what's best for him. I've tried therapy. I've tried support groups. Nothing worked. I finally decided I needed to start looking out for me and stop looking out for him. Things changed almost immediately and drastically.
There comes a point where enough IS enough. I'm not going to go into specifics because I don't need to air our dirty laundry. This isn't about making him look bad or me looking good. It's about my feelings and what I have gone through and what I still continue to struggle with. I couldn't struggle anymore. I've dealt with so much this past year. First, dealing with his struggles and the strain they were putting on our marriage. Then, my dad dying. My health was starting to suffer because of all of this stress. Kidney stones were getting worse and finally got the best of me in November. I finally had the procedure to blast them and get them out. The change in how I feel has been amazing.
In the middle of all of this, I moved out a few months ago. It was hard. I had to leave behind the home I helped create and make my own. I had to say goodbye to some of the best neighbors, move the pets out of the only home they had ever known and start the process of dividing our things. So many people have been ridiculously supportive through this whole process, but no matter how much support you have, it's never easy to drive a U-Haul filled with your things down the driveway of the house you bought 8 years ago hoping to build a life with your spouse. That single moment closed a very big chapter in my life. I would no longer have my garden to tend to, the patio room the pets loved loafing in, the corner toilet that everyone found hilarious, the pool I enjoyed relaxing in, the 4th of July parties we had every year, the big yard with different wild animals visiting, my kitchen that I loved to cook in. It's not my home anymore. Now my home is a duplex that I like, but it isn't mine. It will still be my home, but not the way my house was.
Along with leaving my home, I had to come to terms with the fact that my marriage was ending. I felt like I had failed. I had failed myself. I had failed him. I had failed my family and his family. This would never be the marriage I needed it to be. I will probably never have kids. That hope dwindled when this decision was made. I realize a failed marriage is better than a bad marriage, but it's hard at first. Anyone who has ever gone through a divorce knows this feeling. I know deep down that it wasn't a failure. It just didn't work. It would be a failure if I hadn't learned anything from it or grown from it. I think I've done both.
Along with all of this, I've lost so many other things that aren't as obvious. I feel like I've lost the family I had been part of for almost 10 years. I had a place that I belonged. I knew where I would be on holidays. I knew my place. I knew that they filled a void created by my family of origin and the issues that existed there. I don't have that anymore. I don't know how to navigate this territory. Do I still keep in touch? Would it be weird for me? Weird for them? Do they even want to hear from me? Do they think I'm this horrible person who they want to spit on if they see me in the store? Has this changed the way they feel about me? Do I still have this unspoken, unwritten, unconditional welcome in their homes and their lives? A few people have come right out and told me I do and to them, I am grateful. They helped calm some of the anxiety surrounding all of these questions. They took away some of the loneliness I had been feeling. I am so grateful that when I had my kidney stones removed, it was my two sisters-in-law that were there to take me, get my meds, get me home, bring me ice cream and keep me company. My own insecurities made me question the bonds we have, but thankfully, graciously, they have given me the validation I needed.
I have been trying to keep my head up and get through this process with dignity and respect. It is not easy. I have been trying to stay positive and keep things upbeat, but it's hard. When I'm around people, I feel more alive. When I'm at home by myself, I have a tendency to sink into that dark place. The place where I wallow in pity and sadness and question why this is happening. That place where I wish (there's that word again) things could have happened just a little differently so I could make sense of it more. That place where I question whether or not I've made the right decision and whether or not I really did everything I could. I can't avoid it though. I need to learn to deal with it and change it. I am going to be alone more now and I need to learn how to live with that. I need to be comfortable with myself and what I've been through and not run from it. It doesn't stop me from having moments of sadness though.
One thing I am eternally grateful for this past year is that I've been able to turn to God with all of this. My faith has grown and I am so thankful for that. Sometimes it takes bad things to get you to come to your knees and tell God "I just don't have the strength anymore". That's part of the problem to begin with. I've been relying on my strength and not His. I'm learning more to have faith that God knows what's best and is refining me to make me stronger. He has a plan for me and I need to have faith He will provide. He has provided so many times in the past. There were things that just didn't make sense, but He came through. He will see me through this too.
So this was my long overdue blog post ripe with raw emotion, vulnerability, insecurity and instability. I am eternally grateful for the people that have helped keep me upright and positive. I need that right now and I welcome it. Thank you for listening to me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time. Thank you for putting up with my meltdowns. Thank you for taking a tour of my thoughts and feelings and feeling like you're in a never ending dead end maze (you'll get out in a minute). Thank you for getting me out of the house. Thank you for helping me move. Thank you for buying me dinner when you really REALLY didn't have to. Thank you for the gifts and cards. Thank you for the Facebook posts of encouragement. Thank you for the phone calls and text messages. And thank you for continuing to be there when I don't know what tomorrow will bring. So with that, Happy New Year to all of the amazing people in my life and THANK YOU for being you. I love you. Dana
I love the raw honesty of this, Dana. You have come a LONG way in such a short time. Take it from someone who's known you since you were a little girl. You have really grown A LOT!
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Auntie M