I have been processing lately. Processing my situation. Processing my past, present and future. Processing, processing, processing...does not compute.
One of the things that I'm struggling with is being alone. I haven't lived by myself in 9 1/2 years. I've decided to blog about this since I keep having all these thoughts about it. I struggle. "OMG my phone hasn't rang in 2 days. Nobody loves me!" I've always had this self esteem problem for reasons I won't get into in this post. Please people. Let's focus on one pile of baggage at a time. Otherwise I won't have anything to blog about in the future, but I digress...
So I've been feeling lonely lately. It's been bugging me. Maybe it's just the winter blahs. Maybe it has to do with so much change. Maybe it's just PMS. Maybe it's just gas. Who knows? I've started to try to focus on the positives of living alone again. It's helping me, little bit by little bit. So let's just look at the list...
Bad Stuff first...
1. If a rapist or murderer comes in my house, all I have his my impeccable singing skills and an overly friendly dog to distract him before I whip out a can of whoop ass and go to town.
2. It's hard to cook for 1 person. Heavy on the convenience foods. I love cooking...I hate heating.
3. I've discovered my dog has a never-ending amount of hair and guess who gets to clean that?
4. I have to do my own dishes.
5. I have to take out my own garbage.
6. I have to do all the heavy lifting on my own.
7. I have to pay all my own bills.
8. I have to clean up poop...inside and out. I hate poop.
But then I think...I'm lucky I'm independent enough to be able to do all of those things on my own. God graced me with the strength to be able to accomplish all of these feats. He's training me to be stronger and to do it on my own.
So the good stuff...
1. I don't have to share snuggle time with my furry beasts. I get them all to myself. (this could also be on the bad list. LOL)
2. This is forcing me to reach out to people. I have been spending more time with people I wouldn't have otherwise. I've reconnected with so many amazing friends that have been ridiculously supportive and also continued loving friendships with those who have been there the whole time.
3. The remote is mine and mine alone.
4. I can crush as much candy as I want and not be judged.
5. I have a queen bed all to myself...well...and Scooter.
6. If I want to sit around the house in my underwear all day...I can.
7. I get to decorate how I want and make this place my own. I don't have to compromise.
8. If I want to take an hour to straighten my hair, I can. It's my time and I can do what I want with it.
9. I can have anyone over, whenever I want.
I know I'm going to struggle at times because it's change and who likes change? I need to keep moving forward and looking at my new normal as an opportunity to grow into a better person. I want to be more positive. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better listener. I want to dig out the garbage that has been holding me back for years. I want to be able to look at all of these things and realize maybe God's plan was to put me through the ringer to make me stronger. Good things have to be on the horizon for me. I hope there is a day where I can be blissfully happy with myself so I can be blissfully happy with someone else. My goal isn't to be with someone. It's to be with myself and know that I am enough. I am good enough. I am pretty enough. I am nice enough. I am kind enough. And gosh darn it people like me (Thanks Stuart Smalley).
On a side note: As I sit here reading this, I'm watching the Biggest Loser. I don't get to watch it regularly anymore due to not having DVR and being gone on Tuesdays. On tonight's show, Abby from Season 8 was on. www.abbyrike.com Abby lost her husband, 5 year old daughter and 2 1/2 week old son in a car accident. I remember watching her 4 years ago and thinking "if she can do it, so can I. I've never gone through something like that. What's my problem?" It was my inspiration. It was my motivation and the focus I came back to over and over again. It is what helped me lose 53lbs. As I sit here, 4 years later, I look back on my journey and I have had adversity. I have had struggle, but it still doesn't compare to what she went through. When she was on the show tonight, one of the other contestants said "I saw you and thought 'if she can do it, so can I. What's my problem?!'" It was the exact words I uttered to myself over 4 years ago. This is exactly what I needed to hear today as I embark on a fitness challenge tomorrow. I have been needing motivation and I find it to be no coincidence that the same person who inspired me then is inspiring me again today.
With that...thanks for reading.
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