Having your normal changed for you is sometimes much easier than changing it for yourself. For instance, when my dad died, my normal changed. My new normal was a world that he wasn't a physical part of anymore. I had no say in this normal. I had no way of changing it. I had no control over it at all. It was learning, day by day, to live my life without this person in it. It was being forced to come to terms with the unfinished business that was leftover when he was gone. It was being forced everyday to emotionally survive (some days being harder than others). I had to go on without him because I had no other choice. Now granted, I did have choices along the way, but the drastic life changing force behind all of it was completely out of my control.
Changing your own normal is much more difficult. In the months that passed following my dad's death, it became more apparent that my marriage was not going to survive. I was in survival mode for a long time. I didn't have contentment. I didn't have security. I didn't have happiness. But even without these things, I fought for my marriage. I kept telling myself I couldn't go through all of this trauma and drama in 1 year. In 12 months, my world had turned upside down and completely changed and I fought it, but in the end, I made the decision. Sometimes it's easier to have the decision made for you because then if it doesn't work out, it's easy to blame someone else. I took a leap of faith and decided it didn't matter if I fell flat on my face. I needed to try something different. As we all know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I was ready to stop running on the hamster wheel of dysfunction.
In the months following the separation and eventual divorce, I started to feel alive again. I started feeling myself come back. I started feeling happy, joyful, fun, free, and new. But at the same time, I struggled with loneliness, abandonment and anxiety. These old foes I had long suppressed were back. Some of them never left, but now that I was alone, they were bigger than ever. 9 years of living with someone and then suddenly being alone is a very big transition.
I know it will take time, but I also know I am not alone. Part of the reason I am so open with my feelings on this blog is so everyone reading knows they are NOT the only person who has had these feelings. It's also to get feedback and affirmation that I am not alone when feeling like this. We are not made to go through life alone and when we trick ourselves into thinking we should, we isolate and put ourselves deeper into depression, anxiety and dysfunction. I have tried to be an open book. I have tried to let people in because if I don't, I will end up spending days on end in bed with no contact and sink deeper and deeper. THAT is not normal. THAT is not ok. But it is MY tendency and that is what I want to change.
I have always been the independent type. I taught myself a long time ago that I shouldn't expect someone to know how I feel unless I've told them. I can't be mad at someone for not knowing my innermost feelings if I haven't expressed them. I have also been the type to go out and get what I want. For instance, at Christmas, my stepmom wanted to know what I wanted. Par for the course, I couldn't figure out what I wanted because anytime I wanted something, I just went and got it without thinking "hey, maybe I can ask for this for christmas". Sometimes I do this to the point that I miss out on things because I didn't wait. I miss out on the joy of receiving a gift someone wants to give me with love. I miss out on feeling that there is someone out there that wants to make me happy. I miss the chance to connect with others emotionally because I'm too independent and want to do it myself.
On the flip side, I also miss out on the things I desire. I want to be loved. Plain and simple. Don't we all? When I am doing everything for myself, there isn't room to let someone else do it for me out of love. At the same time, it is my tendency to force things. It's my tendency to chase, but it's my desire to be chased. I am doing the exact opposite to get the outcome I want. It's not that I think a bunch of guys should be swooning over me or anything, but I think I don't give them a chance to chase. I know this sounds kinda dumb, but I assure you, it's not a game.
I spent the last few years doing everything. It became normal to not have anything done for me. I did the shopping and would buy little things here and there, but I started realizing it was never done in return. I knew his likes, but he didn't know mine. I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel desired. I felt (and still feel) like I wasn't good enough to be on the receiving end of the good things. I realize he could have stepped up, but sometimes when you are with someone who has a strong personality like I do, it's intimidating and very hard. I wasn't making things easy by doing everything and being so independent.
So where am I going with all of this? I need to change my urge to be me. I need to stop doing things the Dana way and start doing things the healthier way. I would love, LOVE to date right now. I miss the companionship. But is it the right thing for me right now? Probably not. The opportunity has been there, but I realize that the second any interest is shown, I'm the one doing all the work. I'm the one making first contact. I'm the one suggesting plans. I'm the one asking. And I realize, I'm not the one being chased. I'm not the one feeling good about myself because someone wants to spend time with me. I am the one feeling the rejection. I am the one feeling worse about myself. There has to be give and take and I'm all give and no take. I NEED TO CHANGE THIS NORMAL! I need a new normal in which the person I am with puts in comparably equal effort to be a part of my life and I have done the same. So often, I think if I do more now, I will get more in return and instead, I just get drained. I need to stop forcing it and start letting someone show me I am worth it. I don't know how, but I will try. And this isn't always a romantic relationship pattern, although I think it is worse there. This is also a friendship pattern. I find myself being disappointed because I don't feel like someone wants to be my friend as much as I want to be theirs. But they have grown accustomed to the Dana that is calling them and making plans with them, not the other way around. I feel like I have fallen off their radar and they have moved on to more important things in their life and left me behind.
It meant so much to me when my friend asked me to do something last week. Out of the blue, she (you know who you are) texted me and we ended up going out for dinner. We had such a nice time catching up and talking and it filled my cup. We are so much alike sometimes we both end up being stubborn, independently bullheaded women that don't reach out when we should. She reminded me that it is ok to ask for help. It is ok to make a phone call. It is ok to be the first to call. But she also gave me the reassurance that our friendship is not a one way street and that we each bring something to this friendship that is fulfilling, energizing and special. It wasn't what she said. It was just her presence in my life and her desire to care. She reminded me that I am worth being friends with and that I am good enough. We have an easy give and take. I wish all friendships and relationships could be this easy.
I have mentioned to a few people that suggested I start dating that I am terrified. I thought at first it was just the rejection I was terrified about, but I think what really terrifies me is that I will repeat this unhealthy pattern and end up miserable again. I won't have my cup filled and will keep exerting more energy to try to make it happen instead of realizing it's not my job to make it happen. I'm having a confidence problem right now because I don't know how to trust my gut. I don't know how to believe in myself. My gut reaction right now when someone shows interest in me is "why would he want to go out with me?!" Uh...that's not ok. I understand it is hard for anyone to see this because the person they see is usually the exact opposite. From the outside, I appear confident, but this is mostly in my friendships so it's easy. At the same time, I have so many insecurities that I struggle on a daily basis. I would like the companionship, but I think I would just end up screwing it up. I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I can't be this easygoing, laid back, confident person. Maybe in time that will be the case, but I also think I need someone unbelievably patient and understanding to the struggles I am facing. And part of me thinks it's not fair to subject someone to that.
I hope I can be cognizant of these patterns and start seeing them more. I think the more I see them, the more I will be able to change them. I want to move past the mistakes I've made and the bad habits I have ingrained in my brain and start working towards healthier, more meaningful relationships. I think with all of the things I have been through in my life and especially in the last few years, I deserve nothing less than an amazing person who can look back at me and see the same in return.
Here's to my new normal, cheers!
Dana
You are a beautiful person inside and out and you deserve to have a fulfilling and normal relationship. Love ya girl! MUAH!
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