I've been in this state of borderline anxiety for a while now. I felt like this 10 years ago when I graduated college too. I was so busy and doing so much that when I finally graduated, I had a hard time going out in public places, going to restaurants or just being anywhere that there was noise. I was like this for almost 3 months. I've been feeling this way for a while, but have noticed with spring blossoming new life, I have been able to let the light in. I have fought this feeling and have continued to do things, but it is exhausting.
Tonight was the exception. I've been thinking about writing on this topic for a few days, but kinda thought "maybe I'm just overreacting". Then I was dumb enough to check a large insurance claim that has taken almost 3 months to process. They denied the claim. I just about had a panic attack. I literally started crying because the thought of having to call the insurance company and fight them on this is paralyzing me right now. I feel so overwhelmed and I hate having to do this. I could have Shane do it, but I think it would stress him out more than me. He is too passive when it comes to these things and will wait. I take charge and start asking for supervisors. I once had a landlord tell me he was going to give me my security deposit back after charging me for a door that was falling apart the day I moved in because he didn't want to deal with me anymore. If I know it's wrong, I'll fight it to the end.
As I was aimlessly walking through Target tonight, I called my sister in law and was talking to her about it. It hit me. This is where my dad would bring me balance. If I called him freaking out about stuff like this, he would say "Calm down. You can't do anything about it tonight. Get some sleep. Deal with it tomorrow. It'll all work itself out. It's not worth getting upset about". Of course, I would be completely distraught by this and would start with the "what if's" but he always had that way of talking me off the edge...and sometimes pushing me over it. Thankfully, she was there to listen and to bring me that balance.
I keep trying to trust myself and my feelings, but it's been hard. Growing up always being told I'm wrong and that my feelings aren't valid has really made me wonder if there is true happiness. Does anyone have this? All couples fight. All families are dysfunctional. All companies have those people that you wonder "how in the heck do they still have a job?!". Every house has an imperfection. Nobody has the perfect body. No car will go undented for long. Where are these people that we are always trying to compare ourselves to?! From the outside, many people look perfect, act perfect, talk perfect, etc, but then you get to know them and realize they aren't. They have insecurities, flaws, annoyances, cellulite, obnoxious families, bills piling up, fights, broken doors, stained carpets and dusty houses (right? I'm not dreaming this right?).
This is almost getting into a whole different subject in itself, but bottom line is...maybe my life isn't so bad. Maybe a lifetime of having to keep my guard up and keeping my arsenal loaded has actually weighed me down. It's kinda like those moms that bring one of everything with them everywhere and you wonder how soon before they throw their back out and start realizing 7 different kinds of sunscreen may not be necessary for a ride to the store. It's easy to focus other people onto the positive, so why can't I do it for myself?
The past 8 months have made it close to impossible to see the brighter side, but I am eternally grateful for a husband who is trying, a roof over my head, an organization I love working for, a car to get me there, 3 furry beasts to greet me when I get home (4 if you include Shane), 2 nieces and soon to be 2 nephews to keep me laughing, the family that is supportive to me, I'm even grateful for the family that isn't because it helps me recognize the ones that are, a 92 year old grandmother whom I love, a stepmom who cries with me and understands the pain that hits me in the core, the friends that have held me up when I can't seem to muster the strength to do it myself and the 3 people who actually read this blog to the end. God has put the challenges in my life to make me stronger and to get me to appreciate the good things. I am truly blessed.
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